Not in Kansas anymore

What?

The cosmos is completely random yet inconceivably relevant to everything isn't it?  I mean, the whole six degrees of separation thing, the coincidences that confound you into believing there's "more to it - there has to be".  Who writes it?  And what causes that tight restricting in the chest  - physically agonising - when faced with an inconsistency in "the norm".  When the standards and beliefs we are led to take for granted because of social setting or upbringing are overturned, how do we come back?  What is the support offered by the lucky few?  Vague metaphors paraphrased and re-paraphrased, rehearsed to become the socially acceptable "do you want fries with that?" banality to the emotionally incontinent. 

It's all the same.  And it never ends.  The one consistency is that we're all vulnerable to the game, no matter the situation of life.  darkly comforting.  

A search for truth

I have recently been through a momentus revelation of the power of the real meaning of "The Joy of the Lord".  The knowledge of my personal relationship with him is my Joy, it's not about happiness.  These last 12 to 18 months (in particular, though I've been in this state all my adult life) I have been fully switched on to the fact that I'm single, and lonely and blah blah blah...  Consequently, as embarrassing as it may be to admit to  myself and the no people that read this, but I have dated anything that the "cosmos" has thrown my way.  All of them have been "interested in me", but somehow tied up in another woman, whether it be a girlfriend who is planning to move over from England, or a wife that they've been separated from for 4 years, or a wife that they are divorcing currently, or a current girlfriend that they are confused over or whatever, my point is, that despite all the myriad of other factors that made these men unsuitable prospects for me, I dove in, put my all in, and in some cases jumped out the moment the water got too bitter to drink, but in most cases swam that river until it became mud, and I needed hauling outta there!! 

Here I am, standing on the edge of another water, barely dry from my last swim.  He's handsome, ok with kids, seems to have his head screwed on correctly, really good kisser  and single.  He's also interested in me.  Now that may seem like a dumb thing to write, but I wrote it without thinking, which pops up a red flag to me.  Why would I need to write that if it wasn't a major factor for me?  Am I a serial dater?  Am I a megalomaniac, craving attention?  Do I look for valuation in someone liking/wanting me?  Am I dating partly, or mainly because I don't want to be alone?  There is nothing (other than the other women thing) that any of these men have in common.  And Mr PT is no different (in that he is not similar if you get me).  I have quizzed him on his ex, and he was adamant that he had no interest to go back there, it was over a year ago, and he broke it off, but you know what?  Not even sure if that matters.  I think it's me. 

Two weeks ago I was so ok with being single the rest of my life if that was the will of God.  Today, after having an encounter with a guy that finds me attractive and is "interested" (and I use quotation marks because my idea of interested rarely equates to a males idea of the word), I'm ready to throw caution to the wind again and dive in.  I've not even tested the depth.  

My struggle is this.  I so so so want to give it all up for God.  That's the very clear message I've been receving.  If I start to date Mr PT, am I doing that?  Or am I trying to take control again by "giving this one a go".  My holy father in heaven, Good Lord did i just say that?  That can't be good as a beginning of anything that's meaningful.  I think I have my answer.  I'm going to do something very out of the ordinary for Auntie Em, and turn down the opportunity to see where this one goes, good looking as he is, sweet as he is.  I'm not convinced he's it, and I'm done wasting my time, and I won't waste his.

I'm out. 

A very sober Mx

Chapter 2.

I'm back!!  I ended it well abnd truly with Mr emotionally constipated (aka Mr Wonderful) eventually.  I know I wrote that a while ago, but there was more on off on agains and loads more heartache after that.  However, I think we can safely say now that that chapter is finished.  Another old flame popped up for a little while being oh so confused about his feelings and not sure whether he should stay with his current girlfriend of 3 years, or go back to the single life, or hook up with me for the umpteenth time.  He's heading off to Mexico instead, to save the natives.  I had my momentary "crushing blow" cry, then the Good Lord presented me (or rather bombarded me with) the message that it really doesn't matter.  Man, what a relief that was!  I'v got peace like a river in my soul (old hymn...)

So C ya to him too.  Another man that isn't quite sure if I was worth the 100% attention he appeared to give to all his past women in his life.  I've had a chain of them lately.  What the?  What is it with men and their bit on the side attitude?  Well I'm no bit no longer.  I'm damn worth 100% attention, and I'm not settling for anything less.  Which is roughly what I told the spunk I was luckily enough to spend some times with last night.  No names, but he is HOT!!  He's a teacher at the school I mentor in.  We'll see what becomes of this. 

Anyhoo... dinner time and my poor little hungover body needs to replenish it's store levels.  Adios Amigos!!

Mx

The answer boldly presents itself

I no longer have to endure the miserable chore that was the thorn in my side I called my job.  I've been sacked.  The momentous occasion took place a couple of weeks ago by the manager who was of sorts, a friend of mine.  He's a real piece of work, I tell you.  I've never seen before someone who possesses a manipulative malice of this calibre.  Wow, took the wind right out of my sails for nearly a whole day.  Then I realised that regardless of the bitter after taste the event left in my mouth, he actually did me a huge favour.  I've wanted to be out of there for a long while now, but never had the balls to just leave.  The decision was made for me.  The reasons were a cop out, but I've seen him work his stuff before.  If he wants someone out of there, it really doesn't matter the reason.  I like how he waited until after his birthday, so as to receive my gift.  So be it.  I'm just gutted I put in for the gift from work as well.  What a waste of $75!!  As it turns out, and I think I've mentioned before the nature of the sort of people that work there, almost everyone had something to say about me.  All but the owners of the place, who rang me the next day to put my mind at rest about their true feelings on the matter.  They didn't agree with the decision but felt as they don't actually work there, they had to take the manager's word for it, though they've never seen any reason for dismissing me.  She graciously offered any help I may need in my search for more work.  This was a great relief for me, because it confirmed in my mind it was a personal attack, for which I'm still a little puzzled, but not particularly surprised.  And I know that my work ethic and capabilities was not the issue in question.  C'e la vie.

I've been in for a coffee since a couple of times, but found tht the service when you're a paying customer is quite ordinary, and I've found a much nicer soy latte down the road, and cheaper, so thankfully my coffee fix need not suffer.  Still deciding whether to look for more work, or just stick with the job at church for a while and see how we fare financially.  Probably a little worse off in the dollar area, but my sanity and peace of mind are worth far more than what I was getting from the coffee shop.  Power to you Jay, thanks so much for what you've done for me.  You really could have no idea how much happier I am now that I need never enter that establishment again.

Peace.

Mx

fool in love, fool out of love.

Have you ever had that ache that forms somewhere in the middle of the chest, and tears well up and free flow uncontrollably?  Like a boa constrictor is tightening around your middle and with every breath the tightening increases?  Or maybe for some it's a dull emptiness that doesn't feel right, but cannot be filled.  It's a fine line, in love or out of love.  In love your heart is full, the chest feels like it will explode it's almost too much to bear.  You do silly things like leaving homemade scones on a certain doorstep, send sweet little pathetic text messages with the intention of bringing a smile to a certain someones lips.  Then it all goes down the crapper and someone pulls the plug - out falls the love, drained like old bath water, and the ache remains for the heart now completely devoid of the substance it nearly exploded from.  You have a cry, you make a fool of yourself walking down the street with tears rolling down your cheeks from underneath your dark glasses.  What is it about this elusive emotion that makes us lose our common sense?  Our rationale?  What makes us so damn pathetic? 

You have probably ascertained by now that my rollercoaster ride with Mr Wonderful has finally pulled up at the exit gate, and like all rides at least one person gets out yawning, and another gets out totally bewildered, stomach in their throat, unsure of which way is up and quite wary of ever getting on again.  Guess which one I am. 

On the plus side my washing machine is still broken, toilet only half flushes, DVD player has decided to pack it in (can you blame it?), fridge is making all sorts of unpleasant noises, front gate has dropped and doesn't want to close and I've figured out that if I put all my weight on the door handle of my back door it will actually close without the necessity of all my possessions stacked up against it to ensure it doesn't open in the middle of the night.  Yep, it's good to live on the sunny side of the street. 

I really don't have that much to complain about.  As my dear friend Stace says, I'm alive.  That's gotta count for something!! 

Work is a fun place to be at the moment.  No one is happy with anyone or anything there, but no one will say so, because it gets back to someone else.  I've never worked in a workplace so messy!!  Anyhooo, as dad says, do my job and go home.  Surely I can't get in trouble for that.

Well that's me for another day, 'twas a pleasure of sorts venting my spleen, my heart, my thoughts.  Make up your own mind if I'm a fool or not, but I know the truth.

I'm out.

Mx

the sweetest blonde that will ever grace my bed..

Just a short note tonight, I have little left within me.  Sent a message this morning to "Mr Wonderful" - yes - I guess it was almost a test to see where I came in the list of priorities as well as just because I needed to talk to him - but the text read "If you can spare a moment tonight, I need to talk to you".  I wanted to intimate a little urgency in my tone, hence the word "need".  The response I received was "have kids today and training tonight.  You working, what's up?"  I guess it could be assumed that he had no time to talk to me tonight.  Well, there's the answer I was looking for.  No need to talk anymore.  Why do I.............

just why?

I'm off to bed, where the only male that will always be mine and I will allow to leave me happily lies.  Jacob.  My dear son, the only human on this planet I get to share my daily life with, who is 3, and on loan.

Mx

..me..

Is it not a typical regularity that when one thing goes bad a series of unfortunate events is sure to follow?  I have come down with quite a heavy flu, you know the type, with mucus resembling melted mozarella with a little green food dye, and the feeling that the front of your head,just behind the nose and eyes, is going to explode any moment, and your eyes water for no apparent reason (unless of course it is because you feel miserable because you are little more than death warmed up and propped up on two very tired legs.)  I've now developed a toothache - yes, woe is me.  Now, I'm a sissy when it comes to the teeth, I will be the first to admit this, but for very good reason.  I have had dental surgery, braces, root canals wisdom teeth removal, the works, so any time I feel the slightest twinge (and this is more than a slight twinge) I panic, and so does my purse!!!  Even just those two, in my sissy little way I could probably handle, but my washing machine is on the blink.  What is a mother to do when the washing machine dies???  Luckily I am a lingerie fiend, so I can last a month without running out of underwear, however the rest of my wardrboe, and my little boys wardrobe is not quite so amply stocked.   I believe it will cost me $55 for the part, and - get this - if I choose to have a serviceman fix it, $55 service call fee plus $22 for every 15 min.  Not bad huh?  that equates to $88 per hour.  Service men do alright don't they?  Forget suits, I'm looking for a serviceman!! 

Actually, you know what?  I'm not looking at all.  Not for men, not for women, I'm taking on a new outlook.  Realism.  Yep, I'm a realist.  The odds are not in my favor.  Sure I may be an attractive woman for 31, or for a mother, (as if there are different categories for attractiveness ratings...)  and sure I may have a dynamic personality and sharp wit, but the simple maths is there are not enough men my age for women my age.  And history (recent - very recent history) tells me that getting a man on the second time is a head ache you really want to reconsider diving into.  Take Mr Wonderful for example.  Yes, I'm still calling him that, but really only so that you know who I'm talking about.  I would hardly equate the word with him now.  Actually having not seen this man that I am apparently dating in four weeks, I really wouldn't know what to equate with him.  So my simple resolve to match his efforts (ie. nothing with nothing _ where do you think that will take us?) is the climax to our uneventful dating "relationship".  HArdly surprising really, if I use last year as the yard stick, I should have and could have expected him to become the man of old and just stop being interested.  That's what he did around Jacob's birhday, remember?  Just stopped.

Like that.

..........

.......

......

Annoying isn't it?  Like siting on the end of a phone on hold with no hold music.  You get that

......

Well, we're there again.  Only this time, I'm not going to cry (already done that) and take it personally, (yu huh,) I'm empowering myself and having a girls night out with a very good guy friend on Sunday, and he will be staying at my house Sunday night, so there is no kurfew!!!  Power to me.

On the other topic, ie. my new outlook of realism, I am in complete harmony with the idea of .. me.  Jacob will go one day, I know, and that will leave .. me.  And that's ok, because who knows me better than .. me? Who can put up with me better than .. me?  Realistically I'm looking for a man like me anyway, and that just doesn't add up, so .. me .. it is.  And I'm ok with that.

Tonight.

Mx

Tiddled and piddled

9:15p, on a Friday evening, and I must apologise for the typing and gramatical errors.  One full bottle of red and 4 nurofen later (properly spaced ofc ourse!!) I'm a little bit tiddly.  I don';t normally drink you see, so this should be good!!

Decided to have aglass of red with dinner, and have polished off the bottle, and have a cold - hence the Neurofen.  Started watching Stoned (would you believe it took me three attempts to wirte that correctly?) which is the movie about Brian Jones or someone h\who was the founder of the band Rolling Stiones.  Despite it being quite prolific in beautiful women in various states of undress, and despite my undeniable attraction to the female form and beautiul women in genaeral, and even despite my hot blooded sexual needs, I for some reason turn to the dinosaurs for comapny tonight.   Now why would I do that?  Am I trying to deny a sexual tendancey that has been there since high school?  Am I bizarre beyond coherent thought, that I might find something innately primate about the dinsoaurs and their basic instincts to exist, by hunting and mating?  Is it because I would rather rely on my minds eye and vague drug enhanced memories of my limited experience with other women, and lie here, in my hot blooded need for human contact, thinking of a beautiful blonde I once knew..... 

Yes, she was beautiful.  Long blonde wavy hair, gorgrous blue eyes, curvaceous, alluring, sweet, generous, faithful.  She really was lovely.  The prettiest smile you would ever see.   I could have easily fallen .  I think she still lives around here.  She's lost weight, but is still beautiful.  I think she's a stunner, doesn't  matter what her weight.  I ran into her a while ago, and she talked to me, like an old friend.  I think she would rather forget that we veered down that path.  Pity, I would walk it willingly with her.  Jenjen, if you ever find your way here, know that you are gorgeous, in every sense of the word. 

I've considered going onto RSVP to meet other women, but I really don't know if that is a good idea.  REally, I know I joke about it a lot, but I think about women, and check them out as much, if not more so than I do men.  Oh crap, Jamie if you ever spread this you are in sooo much doodoo.  Hell hath no fury like a woman betrayed.  Just remember that....

I'm supposed to be datinf Mr Wonderful again.  But my idea of dating is rather more involved than what this has tunred out to be.  What it really comes down to is the age old issue of effort.  The key ingredient that seems to be lacking in Mr Wonderful's idea of dating.  It's ok.  I'm exploring my innermost sexuality anyway, so I'm glad he's not too attached.  And no, I haven;t physically explored my sexuality recently, though I'm qhuite open to, should I meet the right woman.  Of course, where would I meet her, is the question.  My good friend and boss has suggested (as he is the only friend I have confided my absolute serious feelings to) that he and I  might go out one night, as he is gay, and we could go to a club that is custom to the kind of attraction of which I am eluding to.  The only issue is of course, that I would rather not rely on a meat market of any sort.  But, it would at least put me in touch with womeon of the same mind.  I don't even want to go into the ramifications this may have on the rest of my life.  \I'll deal with that later.  Or should I rather dconsider them now and allow them to dominate the decision making process in this.  What would be the responsibe thing to do?

It's all a bit much for me at the mo.  I'm getting off now.  I mean, I'm going off now.  Or the former. 

Whatever.

I'm out.

Mx 

Episode - oh I've lost count!

My, how time flies when you're makin' a mess of things!  Allow me to illucinate...

Yes, I think my heart is still attached to a certain Mr. Wonderful, whom I have not named and I would prefer to not go into those emotions playing around the edge of the heart.  My littlie's birthday party went off a success, he had a ball, his Daddy and Daddy's fiance came, and Daddy's fam, as well as of course lots of Mummy's friends and fam.  Mr Wonderful and his three came for about 45 min, and, after having had his twins blow out the candles on the cakes I made them (their birthday is two days after Jakes), he packed them up, leaving half of their birthday presents I gave them behind, and sped off towards the other side of the city, where a friend was holding a party, and his best mate was cycling to.  Mr Wonderful is so thoughtful, he drove over there so that his cycling friend would have a lift home.  He would have had maybe a half hour, tops, to spend there before having to bundle the kids up again to get them back in time for their mother to pick them up.  Yup, stole them away from a kiddies party to pick up his best mate.  I saw that as writing on the wall - this guy couldn't really give a stuff about me.  So, that night when he rang, I mentioned that the day went smoothly, and after he left I relaxed and enjoyed the day.  Quite a harsh comment, but nonetheless the truth.  Well, I believe the first time we spoke after that conversation was about a week ago.  He came into the shop I work in and ate humble pie.  I was gracious and friendly, and he asked to ring me that night to talk, I aquiesced. 

In the mean time, sometime around Christmas, I was feeling rather lonely, having renewed my membership to the lonely hearts (or is it bleeing hearts?  yada yada).... and decided to go on a couple of dates.  After all, no harm in getting out there and meeting people is there?  Apparently.  So all my friends and family believed.  Well, if you're anyone else, it probably is harmless, but I seem to not be able to do anything drama free.  I went on a date with, well, lets call him M.  He was charming, we had a great night, conversation flowed, he was a perfect gentleman, and about 3 years older than me.  I think.  Dropped me home, no expectations of a smooch, I was grateful, peck on the cheek and a possibility of doing it again.  Sounded good.  No dramas, no expectations, just two adults who enjoyed the company of the evening.  Apparently.  I must have missed something, because phone calls and text messages and yes, even flowers to my work, followed.  Kind of threw me a little, as I didn't think we were at curtain picking stage.  So as he was accelerating, I put on the brakes.  He got whiplash, and I took the wrap.  We're talking again now at least.  Kind of hard not to when I serve him breakfast every morning at work!!

So bad start to this dating thing, but you know, I like to give things a fair try, so off on another date I go.  This time with a man 16 yrs my senior, (yep, he's 47) who asked me out months ago, and I declined because I was head over heels with Mr Wonderful and naiive enough to believe it was requited.  Well, lets call him D, came in with his second oldest daughter, who is 19 - yeah i know, it gets better - and I slip him my number under his coffee.  I had thrown his number out ages ago.  (Jamie, do you remember the dude I sat and talked to for an hour at the window?  yeah, that's D.)  So I slip him my number and tell him that I'm shocking at calling, but at least if I give him my number I know we'll catch up, hoping that I don't sound slutty in front of his daughter.  I sooo should have gone with my very first gut instinct way back when I threw out his number. 

He is a lovely guy, but I thought M was in high speed, D is a speed demon.  Literally.  He drives F1 boats, and everything.  New to the dating scene himself, and getting caught up in the fact that we're both christians and that I'm someone who thinks of him, he was at marriage and building a house stage after 3 or 4 weeks.  I have a ring, which I now have the awkwardly painful task of returning.  Not to say that I didn't encourage this initially, I too got carried away, with a trip to Sydney, and a man that seemed to have it all together, had faith, had a job, got along with my parents - a huge plus.  The only thing he forgot to tell me straight away was that he was still married to the mother of his four kids, the eldest of which is 21, and the youngest is 15.  Yeah.  Separated for four years apparently, but the divorce papers came as such a shock to the whole family that consequently my name is mud, and I am no doubt the devil incarnate to the five of them.  (Mum and four kids.)  And you know what?  I can see why.  He is from the Gunna tribe.  You know, white man big talk, little do?  Or even little talk in some areas.  Communication not big on his agenda.  He advised me the other night after I had taken a week to myself away from him to settle and figure out the best way to deal with this, that he was prepared to give up a relationship with his kids to be with me.  Uh, uh.  Sorry, but what the????   I told him not to, as there is no way I would do that for him, and I wasn't even sure if I had feelings for him yet.  He persisted - yeah, you heard me - and I advised him as sincerely and graciously as I could, to sort out his personal and family life before he pursued anything else. 

So, Mr Wonderful is back texting me, and I'm enjoying our interaction, but once bitten twice shy, and am not divulging my singledom or in any other way relating to him my availability.   M comes in to the cafe every day for breakfast and coffee, and may be helping me out with my dad's birthday, and D's F1 race boat has stalled in the relationship department, and he can't quite figure out how he got to the pits.  It will be a while before he gets out again.  And I'm back to the blog.  Makes for entertaining reading though, doesn't it?  Or does it.  Well, it does for me, and if you can't laugh at yourself, well, you mustn't find much funny.

Before I sign off for the evening I have one more thing to say, and I promised someone I would.

I LOVE YOU JAMIE!!!!!

I'm out.  Peace  x

It's no use..

....I have to admit it.  I love the guy.  Yup.  What do you do?  What is there to do?  You can't really help who you fall for can you?  I'm not interested in meeting anyone else.  I'd rather be by myself if I can't be with Mr Wonderful.  Pretty sad huh?  Well, I like to think of it as loyal to my feelings.  As I explained to Mr Wonderful himself the other week.  You don't go out on dates just because you can.  I'd feel like a fraud.  So what if Mr Wonderful isn't in any position to be with anyone.  And even if he is and he's pulling that line so that he can get out of having to be with me  -  so be it.  My heart rules me I'm afraid.  And sooner or later it will sort itself out.  He'll either be in a place emotionally/financially/mentally where he can conceivably consider a relationship with moi or he'll come clean and tell me he's just not that interested in me.  OR  my worst nightmare ever will come true and I'll bump into him and an unknown sweetheart when none of us expect it.  Yeah, awkward.  Then the inevitable would take place, I would cry for about three years, take another two years to curse every single male that walks the earth, and then get back on the bike, dust the dirt off my bum, bandaid the sore, and ask for it all over again.  Either that or I'll be dead.  Not meaning that I would kill myself, I just mean that by the time I'd gotten over it I may have died of old age, after having a spent my life a crabby old man hating spinster drilling her son about the proper way to treat women.

It's not really that bad.  I just have a tad of theatrical in me tonight.

Speaking of that dear little boy, he is turning 3 on Saturday.  Wow.  Party on the day, Mr Wonderful and his three will be there, another friend and her daughter, my sister and her two, a few friends, Daddy and Bec, and Nanny and Poppy, Daddy's parents.  A nice little surprise for Jakey.  He doesn't know Daddy is coming.  And he's making his chocolate mousse!!!  YAY!!!!  It rocks.  He's not a chef for nothing!!

I have more dinosaur party bags to make, and the pinata is sitting there smiling at me asking for lollies, so must toodles for more prep for the partysaurus of the century.

OOROO.

Mx

In trouble

I was dumb enough to let sleep to a colleague that I have a blog.  It just happened to be the clueiest one at work when it comes to all things technological.  He's studying robotics at uni.  Need I say more?  Anyway, he proved his salt and found me.  Anouncing his discovery with a cool "Hi Rntm" when he arrived at work.  Well done to you Jamie!  Well done indeed.  Although - shit - you now know the geek I truly am - as if it wasn't already obvious to the multitudes. 

Well, I won't be deterred.  No sir, I have a voice and I will use it damn it.  Yes, I may have nothing to say, but that's never stopped me in the past, and it certainly won't stop me now.  I'm old enough to proudly stand by my nerdy soliloquays, I will not allow the fact that someone that I work with now has full access to my innermost thoughts and feelings that to date, only strangers and the select few of my dearest friends have had privvy to.  I know, I know - then why the heck did I start a blog?  Easier than writing.  Honest.  I still have my diary, but it's been over a year since I wrote in it.  Typing is faster. 

Have had a little excitement recently in that 3 men have asked me out in the last 2 weeks.  I wish they would all leave me alone actually - yeah - I said that.  Turn of events huh?  I've come to terms with the fact that I suck as a girlfriend.  I'm a good friend, and I used to be a great f--k buddy, but those days are over.  You can't have emotion if you are going to be a f.buddy, and I am no longer able to detach my heart from the things I do.  I never really was actually, just pretended so as not to guilt trip the guy.  I have a slightly higher opinion of my own feelings now.  So use your hand or take a cold shower, this little puppy is an all or nothing gal now.  And it's shaping up to be nothing.  Woo hoo!!

I'm done. 

Peace x

Game over

Hmmm, isn't this amusing?  Now that I have no Mr Wonderful, or not so as dear Miss Scarlet from the library has put it, I am logging on more often.  Aaah, the internet.  Every lonely hearts best friend.  And not so lonely.  And just plain bored, or just plain horny depending on your tastes I suppose.  Just thought I;d mention a few of the various "loggers on" so as not to seem discriminatory - but what the heck - it definitely is a lonely hearts club in here!  Whether you want to admit it or not.  I choose not.  I'm not lonely, nope.  Not at all.  In fact I enjoy my own comapny.  IT;s wonderful to be able to do what I wish of an evening once again without having to be prepared for that inevitable evening phonecall that would last an hour or three.  I can watch a movie... by myself.  I can sew, or cross stitch.....  I can .... log onto the internet... My dear God what a sorry excuse for a person I've become!!  What do normal people do of an evening?  Watch TV I suppose.  In which case I'm not that sorry after all, at least the internet has an element of interaction.  TV breeds a plethora of emotionally cripple, ego centric, self motivated, disinterested, anti social, greedy, ignorant bums.  All of which many of us have to work with, or for.  My, what a scathing bitch I'm being this eve.  Oh, well, deal with it world.

On a plus note, it seems that the cosmos is reading my inner state of mind at the mo, and sending out a wave of "it aint so girlfriend" messages.  I've been approached by a couple of guys who are apparently "interested" in me.  They have both watched me at work, and think I must be a lovely person because I'm always friendly and smiling to the customers.  My how looks can be deceiving!!  And I took my little on to Scienceworks todya and this guy, out of the blue, comes up to me and asks if I take compliments - um, who doesn't? yeah, I sure do, swing one this way baby - (no I didn't say any of that) and then he said to me I was really pretty.  And walked away.  Hmm.  A nice lift though, so even if Mr Wonderful doesn't think I'm all that, there is obviously some quality to what he ditched.  Man, am I so over being dumped.  A girlefriend reckons I try to hard to please.  She's of the old "treat em mean to keep em keen" school.  Seems to work for her.  I tried that, but I was on the phone the next day saying sorry. 

Oh whatever. 

I'm out.  Well and truly, game over.

Mx  

It's over

Yep, you heard it.  Mr Wonderful has done the inevitable and dropped our relationship into the too hard basket.  One can hardly blame him really.  I've not been the most balanced person of late, what with all the dramas in his life, and my unrelenting need to please, I;ve been a nervous, miserable, moody irrational pain in the patella.  Hardly a green light potential for someone stepping out of an unhappy marriage.  In fact, I don't seem to be much of a green light for anybody.  I get so nervous when I'm with someone that I'll say something or do something that will make them upset, or angry or not like me, that I tie myself up in knots and become someone completely different to the person I was initially.  I think it stems from my first love, and never finding out what I did to make him want to end the relationship.  In fact, every time we gave it a try, the end result was the same.  Luckily, in my middle age, I can recognise that we just weren't suited, but it would still have been nice to know what turned him off me.  I could have focused on fixing that, rather than obsessing over everything every future boyfriend mentioned as a pet hate.  Woah, I tell ya, living in this head is a real headache sometimes.

You know what shits me though?  When I'm single, I don't stress so much about who I am, or how I beahave.  I'm not trying to please anyone, and I surprise myself in this, but I actually like me the person.  Am I destined, then, to be a single woman?  Content, but lonely, happy with herself, but alone?  Is having that someone to hang with at night, to share jokes with, your day with, your trials with - your passion with - really all that? 

Mx

It is what it is - it sucks!

What upsets me about this current situation?  Where do I start?  Well, and let me stress these are not prioritised in order of importance to me, they are all equal in their mind numbingly frustrating capacity to hurt, but maybe a point of frustration for me would be that I have yet again developed feelings for someone whom, for all intents and purposes, either is unavailable to respond in kind or is preoccupied with a major crisis like a divorce and custody battle.  Whatever the reason, the outcome is that my feelings are not reciprocated.  Frustration number one. 

The aforementioned crisis fighter appears to have (or wants to have) at least a tendre for me, as is shown in his generous birthday gift, or his sporadic brief romanticisms, but he clearly in his current predicament does not have the time to spend? waste? on developing what he has been known to call “our relationship”.  Frustration number two.

Crisis fighter is trying very hard to keep his head above water, struggling with his newfound single parenthood – which I know can be tough with one – and he has three littlies to clothe, feed, bathe, put to bed, naps, potty train, entertain, shop for, cook for, comfort, discipline etc etc.  I love these children, and so does my son, and would love to be able to help out if needed, if only to be another set of eyes, and some adult company.  But Mr. Wonderful – for reasons known only to him – isolates himself, pushing an eager and more than capable hand of help and friendship further and further away.  I used to visit quite often, Jacob and I would just pop in, but now, thanks to adhoc comments made, and an indescribable “unwelcome”, we have stopped visiting altogether.  I feel more like an intrusion than a friend popping in for a cuppa.  Frustration number three.

I see more of Mr. Wonderful as a customer at work than as a friend that lives down the road.  I’m conscious of going to the same kids activities too much, for fear of what the repercussions of being seen together could be for him.  I’m careful not to make physical contact with him in the presence of anyone as I’m unsure of where he stands with regard to public displays of “togetherness”, and I know he is against displays of feelings in front of the kids.  Most of me understands this view point and agrees.  A little part of me says it could do the littlies good to witness daddy happy and emotive, but if the estranged wife were to find out that there were displays of affection in front of her kids, her lawyers would no doubt have a field day with it.  What number am I up to?  I’ve lost count.

Finally, and I think this one is the clincher for me, because it turns me upside down again, wracks my conscience with guilt, and tries to convince me that with this frame of mind I am more of a burden to Mr. Wonderful and quite frankly useless. 

Mr. Wonderful, however, insists I am not useless, and I am even able to bring a smile to his face, and I have heard him laugh from time to time at my witticisms.  He is not in a good head space right now, so that means a lot.  I get so mad when I think of the treatment he received at the hands of… well, anyway, he deserves better than what he has copped thus far.  His kids are very lucky that their daddy loves them so much.  And he really does.  The whole situation just sucks!

Peaks and troughs

My sister calls the ups and downs of her married life peaks and troughs.  And really it's a fabulous analogy.  I love the visual that comes to my mind.  My life goes in peaks and troughs youe see, as does, I'm sure, everyone else's.  The peaks are tremendous.  You're up on that mountain peak, you can feel the cool, crisp air filling your lungs, invigorating your spirit.  It's fresh, your exhilerated, you can see everything and know where you stand in relation to it all.  You're on top of the world, and it is spinning the right way.  Of course it's not 100% perfect, because you are vulnerable up there.  An easy target.  And the only way to go is down.  Down, down, down.  Sometimes it's a sudden plummet, for whatever reson you stumble off that peak and can't seem to quite get your balance until you've landed and your rear end is growing another cheek in the form of swelling from the thud of the landing.  Other times you meander on down, not actually heading for anything particularly depressing, but life's little challenges require the decline from the peak.  When you end up in the trough, you know you've hit it.  What comes to mind when I mention the word trough?  Do you think of a valley?  I think of a metal drum, cut in half length ways and supported by two sets of crudely made wooden legs, and filled with all food matter of various degrees of decomposition.  And that's exactly how I feel when I am "in the trough".  Rotten.  Discarded.  Scrap. 

So where would I place myself currently?  Am I revelling in the fresh alpine air of the peak, or clambering for a safer place in the trough with a hundred other smelly, rotting bits of refuse, all trying to avoid the putrid smelling black whole that is the pig's mouth, driven by an isatiable appetite?   Hmmm, perhaps I would be somewhere in the bucket about to be emptied into the trough.  Rotten, discarded and scrap, but at least safe from harm for the moment.

My goodness that paints a rather depressing picture.  I'm not that low really.  Just blerrrr.  I'm on a course of hormones at the moment, and I'm not taking to them very well.  As if I didn't have enough hormones, I decided to go and get some more pumped into my body.  Clever.  And it's a three month thing, so I just have to ride it out.  I'm terribly irrational at the moment.  And moody.  And the dizziness, bloating, nausea and emotional diorrhea aren't the funnest way to spend school hols either.  Have started taking eveing primrose oil to offset.  Will keep you posted if it works.  Poor Mr Wonderful is copping it.  Well, not at all, really.  That's what he's copping.  The silent treatment.  I just don't want to talk to him.  Nice huh?  Too tired to explain all that.  It's all me though.  After all, it's all about me is it not?  (That one's for you Nickers.)

Anyhoodlydoo, I'm nicking off now, but before I do I would like to share a decision I made on a long overdue commitment, that I  would encourage you all to do.  I became a rainbow warrior.  Join Greenpeace, and they'll explain it you. 

I'm out greenies,

Mx

I AM...

A few home truths about yours truly.  I have been an unbelievably moooody cow of late, and it’s driving me insane.  What is with me?  I’ve been feeling sad and sorry for myself and you know what?  I’M OVER IT!!!  I can’t for the life of me figure out what the problem is, so I’m afraid the hideously ugly truth of the matter must be this – self focus.  I’ve been so “I’m insignificant, and nothing special” lately that I’ve spiralled.  Well snap out of it girlfriend.  I am putting a swift size 8 to your keister and kickin` your rear end back to the real world where you are a happy, yes sometimes even funny, beautiful being, who was created by an amazingly awesome God who doesn’t waste his time creating something ordinary.  This little black duck – well, white duck – isn’t gonna put up with the dodgy doldrums any longer!! 

Look out world, I’m back, and I’m positive, and there’s nothin` you can do about it.  You can bring me down, but I’ll pop right back up again, and I’ll be just as zany and wacky as ever.  I’m gonna give more than I ever have, I’m gonna play like no ones watching, I’m gonna laugh louder, and smile at more strangers.  I no longer care so much about my figure, I’m curvy and I’m HOT dammit!!  I’m not going to compare myself to slim sister, or waif models, or girls 15 years younger than me.  I AM confident that I have a personality that attracted a wonderful man, and that he is still around because he knows it’s only hidden beneath a storm cloud.  I AM sunshine – the kind that shines on your face and makes you smile, and encourages birds to sing.  I AM the colour yellow, bright and noticeable, cheery and bold.  I AM a fabulous mother, full of love, equipped by God to nurture the growth of my little one.  I AM a special, talented, intelligent woman who’s turning 31 tomorrow and excited about ageing gracefully.  I AM a caring friend who is valued by others.  I AM able to study what I wish, I AM able to work where I please, I AM able to make a difference and I AM able to believe all of this!!!  I AM!!

You have no idea how it was for me to write this, but (and I hear a sigh of relief from those who know me) I will let this be my mantra for a month.  I’m tired of believing diddly squat about myself. 

I AM – a power phrase.

I AM GOD’S.   Powerful

Peace  x

Oh, and hey, Jonathan?  You rock man.  Peace brother, your birthday sms was sound, and timely.  Hope all is well for you and yours, truly I do.  You deserve it mate. X

world moving love

Would you move your whole world to another state for love? 

Would I?

It's a big step to take.  Not that it's on the cards or anything, it's merely a passing disinterested teasing question propsed as a by the by between "everyone at the table for dinner" and "wow!  how many mouthfuls are left?"  But it has left me thinking.

Would I move Jacob away from his dad, his grandparents, his cousins, his uncles and aunties, the house he knows, to a new state, with no friends, no family, not even for mummy, and only mummy his mummy for familiarity?  It sounds completely nuts.  And yet there is a part of me inside that has always known I wouldn't stay here.  I never wanted to settle here.  The only reason I have to date is because I was pregnant and single and needed my family, but one would assume I would have support of someone who loved me if I was moving for them.  It makes you wonder if they would move for you though.  In my current standing, no, I couldn't justify the move, nor would I take such a jump without any security to cling to.  But, if there is a future of a future ( if you get me), I probably would be willing to go.  JAcob's dad might stop me though.  Not worth thinking about that yet.  This is all just food for thought.

Had my hair done today.  About to give myself a manicure and a facial so that I can look my best for my birthday on Saturday.  I have no plans whatsoever and most of my friends will be away.  Family lunch on the Sunday, so Saturday I'll look fabulous and hang with Jakey.  Mr W can't find anyone to look after his littlies so no dinner date with him, and ahven't heard from him in two days, guessing birthday of "love interest" has sliped his mind.  It's ok, we've not been together for long, and I seriously am not expecting anything, but I did mention I'd like to take him out for dinner for my birthday.  A non commital chuckle was his reply.  Have been relegated to the backburner I believe.  That's fine for now, but to remain in the kitchen metaphor, if left for too long I WILL BURN!!!

Anymoo, Happy up and coming 31st Birthday Auntie Em. 

I'm out.

X

Blah blah blah

What to write, what to write.  Mr Wonderful has his parents staying with him at the mo, they seem really nice, despite what he has told me about them!!!    Getting along great with the littlies, I'm as much in love with them as I am - well, perhaps the less said on that topic the better.  We're a long way off stability and security in the relationship that's not really a relationship except when we're by ourselves or on the phone.  I have my reservations, as much as I'd love to be the hopeless romantic I usually am, and say that it's going to last forever and be fabulous, the actual reality of the situation is that there are four children involved who are the first priority, and if they don't like it, I'm afraid it's just not gonna happen.  I feel his kids like me, and the oldest actually asks to visit us now, the two younger ones will get used to me I guess, but I'm just a friend, or Jakey's mummy.  The table may turn if or when I become someone special to daddy.  And then there's how Jakey will take it all.  He was starting to develop a bond with Mr Wonderful, but since he has had his littlies full time, he's bascially disappeared from Jakeys life, except on the odd play visit (of which there has been two) or if we happen to see them down the street.  I don't know Jakey's memory capacity, but I do know that one of two things has happened in his mind.  He's either forgotten Mr W completely, or remembers him but is wary, because he was becoming a part of his life, but has stepped right back.  Either or, it's not very pleasant for my little boy to have this coming and going in his life.  Apart from that, Mr Wonderful has three kids, so they have siblings that they share daddy with, and they also have each other for support when change takes place.  I'm it for Jakey.  All he has is me, and three kids and an adult invading his life with his mummy is quite a threatening event.  Luckily, Mr Wonderful is fully focused on the effect absolutely anything might have on his kids, so this is all just hyperthetical.  But I'm taking every precaution so that my baby doesn't get hurt or overlooked.  Not that I would overlook him of course, and I'm sure Mr W wouldn't intentionally, but his life is his kids, and Jakey is not his.

Anyhooo, enough of the what ifs, and could be's that may never come to pass.  On a lighter note, I had my wisdom teeth taken out last week, and just to add to the fun of it all, I came down with tonsilitis.  YAY!  All I need now is a dose of thrush or a urinary tract infection and every inch of my body would feel like it's been kicked by a camel's hoof.  The complete set of bodily injuries.  Thank the heavens for painkillers!  Of course, because I can't eat properly, I'm eating mush, and junk too, and I haven't been for a run in over a week.  I feel like a big fat lazy heffer, with an arse rapidly becoming the size and shape of a tacky novelty couch cushion that you find in Dimmey's only weighing considerably more, and a face to rival the crater face of the moon.  Yep, lookin` real attractive - and feelin` the part.  Bring it.

I think I will leave it there for today, Need to make an announcement to the world in general however - my excitement over this must be shouted from some place very high.  CONGRATULATIONS JODI AND CHRIS ON YOUR PREGNANCY!!!!!!!     GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ONE FORMING IN YOUR WOMB.

Peace.  I'm outX

m

Recipe for a half baked upside-down fruit cake

Ingredients:

1 Auntie Em

30-40 short term relationships (encounters will suffice if relationships are unavailable)

3 substance abusers

4-8 commitment phobes

15-25 liars, cheats or users

a handful of decent men with bad timing

1 tonne of naiivety

a bucket of low sense of worth

and a lonely heart.

Method:

Throw all ingredients in together and stir so that ingredients are still recognisable individually but are mixed enough to taint each other.  Remove Auntie Em and heap rest of mixture on top bit by bit ad nauseum for 15 years or so, and set aside. 

How baked she becomes depends on how long she is set aside!!!!

DAting sucks.

I'm out. Peace

Mxxx

Back to normal - ripper!

I think I may make sarcasm my favourite past time.  Yes, things are back to normal, ripper!  And I say that with all the sarcasm my sweet little cynical aching heart can muster.  Hence three blog entries in almost as many days.  Back to normal.  No visits from a certain somebody - not even an uncertain anybody!  No phonecalls to take me into the small hours of the morning (ok I did ask for that one - clever...).  No text messages that make me smile because someone's thinking of me.  Barely even a social "hello, fancy bumping into you!" down the street - and we live eight houses away.  How can things go from seemingly really wonderful "can this be real?" to happily "ok into the hard slog but we knew it would be" to completely rooted single worded text messages in the course of a week or two?  What the hell happened?  And where was I?  I know I have a tendency to romanticize, and I know I'm a little impulsive, and I know that I'm a sucker.  But I sincerely believe I wasn't played again, it's just gone.  Houdini couldn't have done any better.  Mr Wonderful has a court hearing re: custody of kids tomorrow, so can understand he is a little distracted.  It's all very bitter, and of course I only hear his side of it, but I've no doubt that his wife or ex-wife or soon to be ex-wife has a similar sad story of victimisation that Mr Wonderful has.  Only now, apparently, I'm involved too.  I'm now being mentioned by "the ex" and other people are being dragged in and it is becoming a he said she said that you said episode, and I don't want to be a part of any of it.  Soooo, auntie em has done the whole pull right back thing.  You know what?  I'm not old, but I'm too old to be telling stories, and he said she saids.  Mr Wonderful is still that, but he isn't in a position to be someone else's Mr Wonderful just yet.  He will admit it too, that it's all still very fresh, and the hurt is still very much there (hence the bitterness that comes out when he talks about it).  And you know, I just don't think that it is healthy, for either of us, to be involved while that's all still in his heart.  It's not my role to help him get over his marriage, that would be a rebound thing would it not?  And I'm not prepared to let my little boy become aqcuainted or even possibly attached to someone that is only half focused on a relationship with his mum.  Now I'm not having a go at all, I fully agree that Mr Wonderful's focus is where it should be, on what's best for his children, and making sure that they are not hurt in this divorce process or by the custody battle.  But I think I deserve to be in a reltionship where my partner's focus is the same as mine, and that is a happy and committed union under the guidance of God.  I've just been crapped on too many times.  For once, despite my feelings, I'm going to take a stand on this and not have anything if it's not all that!!! 

So, I'm back on the couch, cross stitch awaiting, and Nina Simone and Lena Horne playing in the back ground.  Oh how I've missed my lady crooners, reminding me that "It's wonderful to have your lips divine, combined with mine......"  Aaaaannyway, it's not all about smooches, and sweet nothings and roses.  Fine dining can be done alone.  I proved this tonight, as I spent nearly three hours in a local restaurant by myself.  A lovely three course meal, my bible, and me.  The waitress was a little perplexed when I asked for a table for one, but I think by the end of the evening she'd come around, and decided it was nice to have a night to yourself.  As it happens, I read some awesome stuff.  I finished the book of Nehemiah, and started the book of Esther.  Now that is a cool book. 

I spoke to Jakey tonight who is spending his weekly stay at Daddy's.  He actually spoke to me tonight, like acknowledging that it was Mummy on the phone, and he told me he had a drink of juice, and said tata.  Bless him he is the funniest little sweet muffincake.  He made my night. 

Well, I think I may put off the cross stitch, my exstremely comfy couch is calling me for a cuddle so I may just snuggle in with a David Attenborough (good old faithful!!) and promptly fall asleep. 

I'm out.  Peace

Mx