25/9/2009 - Well May We Say 'God Save Rinny', Because Nothing Will Save The Govenor General |
Irrational Thoughts in Passing…
1. One of my employees, just one in particular, can hear my thoughts. And he judges me for them.
2. That crack whore that I had banned from the shopping center for shoplifting (and general crimes
against humanity via just…existing) knows what kind of car I drive and is going to key it in a crack fuelled act of revenge, and the police won’t believe me when I tell them it was her.
3. Every night, just as I’m about to drift off, I’m sure I can hear someone stealing my television.
4. Everyone is looking at my shoes, which are scuffed and unpolished. They are disgusted.
5. Everyone is looking at my gigantic hands.
6. The local magpies are capable of intelligent thought and hold meetings in an abandoned tin shed with a picture of me on the wall that says ‘This One’ in scratchy magpie writing underneath.
7. My friends think I’m a bad driver.
8. My friends are just humouring me by being my friend.
9. My book collection is inadequate.
10. My voice is annoying and fake, and I am powerless to stop it.
11. The clocks are trying to tell me something.
12. It will one day be revealed that my life thus far has been an elaborate hoax.
13. I will never know true love.
Rationalism Kicks In
1. He can’t hear your thoughts, and even if he could, he’d die of boredom.
2. She’s probably in gaol. Or dead.
3. The house is locked, and it’s not even a flat screen. They’d sooner steal the vodka in the freezer. Oh no! The vodka in the freezer!
4. But you’re wearing sexy black lace sockettes underneath those cheap, nasty, scuffed mary janes.
5. Yes, yes they are. Distract them by tossing your shiny, glorious hair.
6. That’s silly. They’d meet in a dead gum tree, not an abandoned shed.
7. And yet they still get into a car with you.
8. And you’re largely just amusing yourself, so what’s the problem?
9. If you hide the masses of chick lit from the misspent days of your youth, then it’s passable.
10. Someone (your friend, who was just humouring you, probably) once told you that you sounded like Ashley Judd. Even though you know she’s a now an almost unknown actress circa the mid 90’s, you were secretly chuffed.
11. Yes. The time.
12. Because the entire world revolves around you, apparently.
13. You can’t miss what you’ve never had.
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About Me
One girl's incoherent and nonsensical quest to locate her soul.
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