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Still no sleep. I love you so much | ||
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| Im trying so hard to be strong, but im dying. still cant eat, i want to eat, but throw up. Im so tired, i want to sleep, but cant. Ive lost the only person who ever cared about me. I love BUnzy so much, i wish he could forgive me, give me a chance to love and adore him as he deserves. Id give anything for another chance at happiness. My life is just a big black hole without him, my body aches, my heart is broken. I dont know how much longer i can hold on. When i held him tonight i dindt want to let go, i dont wnat to let him go, i love him, completely with every part of me. | ||
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| Im such a bad person, i didnt deserve Bunzy. I love him so much, id do anything to make this up to him, for a secnd chance at life. To show him me, that im not as strong and tough as i make out, that i do love getting flowers, i really am all soft and mushy. I kept my weakness hidden from him because i was just too scared. I still cant keep food down, im getting weaker evry day, i dont know how much longer i can hang on. | ||
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| I almost fainted earlier, im so tired, this is becoming unbeareable. Still cant eat, cant stop thinking about BUnzy. | ||
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My whole life evryone just gave up on me, no one wanted to help me or stand by me, i dont want BUnz to give up on me too.
If he cant forgive me i dont know what ill do. | ||
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another day and still no sleep, still cant eat and camt stop crying. I think im dying | ||
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| Im such a horrible person. I dont want to be me anymore, i hate me. I want out. | ||
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| I cant do this, i Love BUnzy so much, my whole body hurts at the thought that ive lost him forever. Theres so many things i should have told him, theres parts of me i so wanted to let him into, but i was to scared. He is the only person in my life that i actually trusted and depended on, he is the only person i needed. | ||
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| this isnt getting any easier, im so tired and weak. i have this pain in my chest that wont go away, my hands are shaking allthe time. im scared, i dont know whats happening to me. I still cant keep food down, dont sleep and cry and cry and cry. I want my family back. | ||
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J has turned his saddness to anger, he is lashing out at me, kicking, punching and screaming. I feel so lost, how can i help him whne i cant stop crying myself. | ||
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Another sleepless night for J and I. i dont want this, i just want to be holding him tight. J isnt coping any better, he is crying alot, over nothing, he doesnt want to play, he looks so sad all the time. Bunzy is so important to both of us. God to have him back, sure it would be hard work, but worth it. Its all my fault, i didnt deserve him.
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| soooooo empty. Just feel so very empty. J has already woken up once crying for BUnzy and its not even midnight. he asks me again and again, when is BUnzy coming home, I tell him that Bunzy isnt coming home. he cries then wants to know why. I dont know what the best thing is to tell him, i cant tell him the truth, that Bunz doesnt love him. So tell him that BUnz had to go away because he has a very important job to do, J asks what and i tell him that Bunz has to save the world. I miss Bunzy so much. I just want to be with him, every part of me hurts. I still cant eat. I dont want to go to bed, i cant sleep, i just toss and turn, cry and toss and turn. and when i do finally sleep, i wake suddenly, with an overwhelming sense of doom, pain and sadness with BUnz being my very waking thought. HOw can one person love the other so muchm yet that person not return that feeling. | ||
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The days arent getting any easier. J still cries for Bunzy, last night was a record 5 times he woke up crying his name. He doesnt understand. I miss him terribly, im trying to stay strong for J, but its so hard. Bunz was a BIg part of every thing we did every single day, i let him into every aspect of my life and now that he has gone there is a big black empty hole in every minute of everyday. I cant call him just to say hi babe when im thinkning of him. His smell has left the house. I miss him so terribly. People think im strong and that i will get through this. I dont know that i can. I dont sleep, i cant eat and when i do i cant keep it down. Before he left i thought i could change the world, make it a better place, now i just dont want to be in it. I dont want to go near my horses, i dont want to rescue anymore. It doesnt matter. After J finally settles down at night i cry and i cry and i cry. Just want to hold him, smell him , hear him. He didnt let us become a part of any aspect of his life, didnt want my help with his work, with anything really. Before he left i was looking forward to our next counselling session, i was looking forward learning more about eachother, understanding why we are the way we are, being more accepting of eachother and forming a stronger bond. I didnt want to feel scared all the time, i wanted so much for him to help me, Ive not felt like this before about anyone, ive not really LOVED anyone like i do Bunz, i took such pleasure in the simplest of things. I wanted so badly for him to let me into his life, depend on me for something, anything, just to know that he wanted my help, input. Id give anything just to hold him. To feel his hand on mine.
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