manah manah
• Tuesday 22 August 2006 - Warning, Depression and Insecurity Ahead
Feeling kind of 'blah'.
I just got home from court... you know... that case I've made mention of before. I've been sitting around all day... waiting... waiting... waiting.
"Make sure your there by a quarter to 9," they'd told me. I turned up and found out that they'd installed a metal detector since the last time I was there. "Ooh, this is new," I said to the security guy. "Been a while since you've been here?" he asked... with that tone that said, "Oh, so you're a repeat offender, are you?" I put my bag up on the bench and walked through the gate. Then he asked me to open my bag. I had two pairs of scissors in there that he confiscated until I left. "Don't use them for paper," I tried to joke. "They're my hair-cutting scissors." He gave me a half-smile and I walked away, feeling kind of like a criminal.
When I got upstairs I was taken into an office and had the basic procedure explained to me. "I'll ask you questions that pertain to your statement," the prosecutor said. "Then the defence will get to cross-examine you. I doubt he'll ask you too much. Etc etc, blah blah." He also told me that my ex wasn't making his statement until tomorrow. Apparently he couldn't make room in his busy schedule today. The whole meeting lasted about 15 minutes.
"We'll be starting at 10. You can have a wander around, but make sure you're back here by then." I went down the road to buy a drink, downed a couple of quick smokes and returned.
"He's already gone down there, wait outside the courtroom and they'll call you. It shouldn't be too long," the receptionist told me. I found the right courtroom, sat down and waited. A couple of times I got up and paced a bit. At 10.30ish the door opened and several people came out, including the rock spider and his lawyers. I took a long look at him as he walked past. He didn't look at me. The prosecutor followed them out.
"We're having a short break," he told me. "You can wander around a bit (I think he likes that turn of phrase), but be back here by... oh... around quarter past 11". I didn't want to go too far, but I had to move the car (2 hr parking limits). I picked up my scissors and took them back to the car and left them there. I had to drive up and down the street a couple of times until I found another park. I decided to take my camera with me this time. I snapped off some photos of buildings, birds and flowers (all the time chain-smoking in an attempt to stock up on my nicotine levels) on the way back to the courthouse.
Back through the door, back through the metal detector... and it beeped. I'd forgotten to take my sunnies off. Feeling silly, and even more like a criminal, I had another go. All good this time. Gathered my stuff and started up the stairs. Stopped on the first floor for a quick rest stop, then decided to take the elevator up to the second floor.
Ding... the doors opened. The rock spider was inside with his lawyer. He started out of the door, not realising that it'd stopped on the first floor. When he looked up and saw me he visibly jumped. I was glad that I'd thrown him off. "Nah, it's ok," I said. "I'll wait for the next one. I don't like the smell in there." I watched him squirm as he waited for the doors to close.
Took the next lift up the one floor and sat in the waiting area again. Paced a bit... sat a bit... took some photos of the carpet, the chairs, out the window... none of them turned out too well, I don't think. Haven't looked at them properly yet. Paced a bit more... sat again... and paced again.
Around 1 the doors opened again. This time just the rock spider. He made a quick dash past me, avoiding looking at me. Then a few minutes later, the prosecutor came out. "We're breaking for lunch," he said. (You guessed it...) "You can have a wander around a bit if you like, but make sure you're back here by 2.30.
Well, what am I going to do now, I wondered. I didn't want to hang around for an hour and a half. I decided to go and have coffee with a good friend that I hadn't been to see in a while. I don't visit much any more. I prefer to stay at home when I can... safer and more comfortable. The only time I do go out I'm usually with Gryph... again safe and comfortable. So off I went. It was by far the nicest part of the day. We sat for nearly an hour and chatted, each of us catching up on stuff that had happened since the last time we'd seen each other. I showed her our blogs too... there's not too many 'real' people who know about them... you know what I mean, don't you? Anyway, all too soon I had to head back to the courthouse again.
Found a park, left the camera in the car again (and the scissors) and went back in. Back through the metal detector... etc, etc. I was sitting and waiting, and in walked the police guy who originally took our statements. "You still waiting?" he asked. "I thought you would have been out of here by now." After that I started to get butterflies. It was almost like he was telling me that something had gone wrong. Before that statement I was just annoyed that they'd got me in so early just to have me sitting around and waiting. After... well, I just couldn't get it out of my head that something wasn't right. I dunno... maybe the stress...
Eventually they called me in. I promised to tell the truth and all of that, and sat down. The prosecutor asked me all of his questions... nothing I didn't expect. I answered them and I think I did ok. Then the defence lawyer cross-examined me. Everything was going alright until he asked me about the 'romantic connections' between the rock spider and I. I was livid. What romantic connections? "Isn't it true that on that day he rang you to ask you to go out for a few drinks with him?" he asked. "No, I don't remember that," I replied. "Oh, so you mean to tell me that you don't remember the defendant asking you to go out with him for drinks?" It was about then that I started shaking. I'm a shaker... when I get pissed off, or really stressed out I shake... like shivering. I wished I could stop it, but I was annoyed at this questioning... and the shaking was annoying me even more. "No, I mean that he didn't ask me out," I answered. "I knew that he was interested, and I definitely wasn't interested in him... so I think I would remember if he'd asked me out." "Oh," he said theatrically. He shuffled his paperwork... whispered to his colleague... shuffled a bit more. Eventually he looked up at the judge and said "No more questions, your honour."
What the hell was that? I imagine that was his defence... "Oh, I asked her to go out with me but the kid didn't like the idea so she made up all these lies." Is that it? I felt like screaming. What about the other two kids? What about the other two court cases that are pending? Did they both lie too? But I had already been warned that I couldn't mention anything about them. Why not? It goes towards his character, I would think. How can the jury make an informed decision if they don't know that he's been accused of the same thing by three seperate little girls? Three seperate little girls who didn't even know each other. How fair is that? What happens if he and his lawyers manage to convince the jury that he was the unfortunate victim of an evil, lying little kid? What if he manages to convince three seperate juries? None of them can know about any of the other cases. It's the law. How fair is that?
I left the courtroom... left the courthouse as quickly as I could. I had to sit in the car for a minute or two. I was still shaking. I felt unworthy. I felt like I let her down. I felt like crying. I felt like running away. But I started the car and drove home.
I can't help thinking that I didn't do enough. I can't help wondering if what I've said has helped or hindered this case. I keep wondering what'll happen to him. And how is my baby going to handle it if they believe that she's lying? I can't wait until the case is finished, but I dread it just the same. I just can't stop thinking about it. My stomach's still in knots.
Like I said... I feel 'blah'.
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• Tuesday 22 August 2006 - Don't know what to say
Kind Regards
Lourob