If is a two letter word for futility
• 16/7/2007 - I have stepped into a fairy tale
Well, Friday morning started off with us leaving my house just after 9am. I had no idea where we were going, L had planned a surprise weekend for us. After about a 30 minute drive, I saw we were in Jandakot, heading for the little airport there.
He casually says... "we're just going to pop over to Rottnest Island for morning tea. I've chartered a little plane for us.
I nearly died! I just couldn't believe it! We pulled up and heading in, to be greeted by our pilot. The little plane we were in was a tiny two passenger plane. It was a beautiful flight, I will never forget it. After lunch at Rottnest, the pilot flew us back with a detour over the city... he had pre-arranged it so I could fly over work!
Back on the ground we then drove to Fremantle to have a late lunch. He had booked us the best suite at the Esplanade, one of the most beautiful hotels in Freo. We had an enormous balcony overlooking the port, it was amazing.
To finish our day, he then took me to my favourite restaurant, Joes Fish Shack.
Yesterday was then spent with him taking me to my favourite bookshop and coffee shop in Leederville, before I sadly had to say goodbye to him at the airport. He will be back in three weeks time, boy is it going to be a long three weeks!
It's just amazing, Friday felt like I had stepped into a fairytale. A day I will never ever forget. |
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• 9/7/2007 - Love Love Love
I thought I would never experience this feeling again...
I look at everything and feel like singing. I wake up laughing and go to bed smiling. What bliss! I feel like the first person in the world ever to experience this.
I feel so blessed... not only is my arthritis at bay (touch wood), but for the first time in forever, every part of my life seems in such perfect sync.
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world. |
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• 2/7/2007 - So this is what contentment feels like.
It appears I am being wooed. And I am just loving it. As opposed to being pursued (by the Canadian), this is a far better option.
So, maybe I'm not a commitment phobic... maybe I just hadn't "met the right one" yet. I've really never believed that saying, but just might be about to become a convert.
Friday: Was taken out to lunch, had barely been back at my desk an hour and the most beautiful purple box of flowers is delivered. Now, delivering flowers at work always seems so much more exciting because everyone gets to see them too! Accompanying the flowers was a little note saying how much he enjoyed our lunch.
Friday night: I get picked up and taken to a beautiful restaurant for dinner. Car door is opened for me EVERY single time, doors are opened for me, wine is poured... I could seriously get used to this sort of treatment!
Sunday: Get picked up and driven to the country for a beautiful lunch in New Norcia surrounded by the most incredible old buildings (Len would have a field day there with his camera!).
Best thing is... no walls, no guards.
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• 27/6/2007 - 6kg of olives
I went and visited my brother today... that in itself is quite amazing considering we don't have a great deal to do with each other, never have really. Anyway, don't want to get sidetracked in the first sentence...
Brother has an olive tree in his front yard, chockers with ripe olives. Now, I don't eat olives on their own, but make a fantastic olive tapanade which I do like and everyone who has tried it raves about.
So, I picked all of the olives from the tree, brought them home and my good friend across the road and I are going to salt them and marinade them.
Tonight, we cut all the little splits in them and they are now swimming in salt water. My fingers are now purple (how on earth do I get that off?). We have to change the salt water every day for ten days. Then we can basically bottle them. Anyone have any olive marinade recipes? I have one that suggests garlic basil and lemon juice but wouldn't mind trying a few more out. |
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• 23/6/2007 - Sunshine always makes things look clearer
Today is better. I will really miss him but I know if I didn't do it now, it would get harder and harder. Already he was possessive, obsessive, controlling. If those traits are coming out after 9 weeks, what did the future look like?
Bleak. |
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• 23/6/2007 - Okay, did that, so why do I feel so bad?
Told Chris.
Funny thing is, I didn't believe the words coming out of my own mouth.
He walked away.
Then rang me and said I was scared. And that I was only doing this because I was afraid. He told me I was wrong, we could make it work. Then he rang again and again.
If this is the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong? |
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• 22/6/2007 - Great Recipe...
Well, the talk didn't happened (coward), but I created this fantastic chicken dish that was so easy... thought I would share.
Let’s call it Chicken in White Wine & Mustard Sauce for want of a better name...
400g pasta, better with big pasta or even fettuccine, not little shells
400g chicken breast or tenderloins, sliced or diced
1 cup of fresh broccoli florets
1 cup of mushrooms, quartered so they all have a bit of stalk on
1 small chopped onion (red would be nice)
2 big tablespoons wholegrain seeded mustard
200ml (roughly) of thickened cream
Dry white wine
Get the pasta going.
Pan fry chicken in a little olive oil, remove from pan and set aside.
Pour about half a cup or so of white wine in to the pan and bring to a simmer.
Throw in the mushrooms and the onions and whack a lid on, turn heat off after about a minute or so.
Pour another glass of wine and drink it
Put the chicken back in the pan, add the seeded mustard and the broccoli and give everything a good stir around for a minute or so. Add a bit of black pepper too.
Pour the cream in and stir through.
Turn right down low, put the lid back on and let it simmer for about 5 minutes to steam the broccoli a bit.
Serve over the top of the pasta.
Absolutely delicious and took all of 20 minutes.
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• 20/6/2007 - Which one?
Okay, so here's the dilemma. The Canadian and I have known each other 9 weeks and it has been pretty rocky. A lot of that is due to him having kids back in Canada, his guilt about being here in WA and also the fact he is a bigger control freak than me.
I have asked him a few times if he likes living here, if he sees himself here for a while, that sort of thing... and because of his answers (some direct, some indirect), I have purposely held myself back from him. I honestly feel he will end up back in Canada. He made a comment recently basically saying that if things became serious, later (much later) down the track I could always move to Canada with him. It was a bit of a throwaway comment so I didn't really respond. Thing is, I would never take Zoe away from her Dad, even though we are divorced, he is still her father and I wouldn't do it.
The two big uncertainties though are how long before he decides to go back to Canada (could be years, might not be ever but I doubt it) and also the fact that it came up in conversation recently that he has had a vasectomy. Now, I know they can be reversed, but I would have to assume that he had one because he didn't want more kids and that he doesn't want to change that in the future. I would love to have more kids one day, but at the same time, know my age is against me so if I was going to, it would need to be within the next 3 years.
Now, two weeks ago I had a phonecall at work from a guy I met nearly two years ago. Totally floored me it did, we met literally once, clicked instantly, ended up exchanging email addresses. He lived 1000km away up North. Anyway, we lost touch after only a few weeks, but I have always wondered what happened to him, how he was etc.
Anyway, he said he had thought about me a lot during the last 2 years, even still remembered Zoe's name and age, everything. I remembered his voice instantly on the phone and straight away, we just clicked again. He asked if I would like to meet him for lunch. I told him I had recently met somebody, nothing serious but that it probably wouldn't be fair on anyone.
We talked for some more time, he said that if things don't go anywhere with the guy I had just met, could I give him a call as he would really love to catch up. I said yes, wished him well and said goodbye. I then spent the next day, not being able to get it out of my mind.
Anyway, I ended up ringing him back and asked if he would like to go to lunch still, but no expectations. He said he would love to.
Lunch was yesterday, we couldn't stop talking, just clicked instantly again. I feel comfortable with him in a way that I haven't felt with the Canadian yet. Add to that, he has no kids (but wants kids in the future) and he lives here in WA.
I know common sense tells me that if I launch into a relationship with the Canadian, the chances of it being long term are pretty poor. Given the fact we have already had a few issues in 9 weeks and his kids and guilt, if we work at it, we might get a year or so out of it.
So, do I call it off now, before it goes any further? Or do I keep it going and wait and see? Obviously the other big factor is the WA guy, I know if I hadn't met the Canadian, we both would be definitely looking at starting a relationship with each other.
I know what common sense is telling me to do, just hate the thought of doing it.
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• 18/6/2007 - Will you look at that, the wall came down...
Well, what do you know... I let my guard down. And you'll never believe it, I didn't self combust on the spot, nor did a plague of locusts descend on my head.
Funny thing is, now I have let my guard down and let this guy in to my life, I have just told him on the phone that maybe he should walk back out of it.
Thing is, he is Canadian. He has lived here in Perth for two years now. He owns a business that is based here and in Canada. He moved here to set up the Perth side of the business, but left behind two children (and an ex wife). A few times I've questioned why he lives here, because he beats himself up constantly about the guilt he feels about living away from them and that he tries to compensate by flying back to Canada every four weeks or so.
I actually feel that if he does decide to move back to Canada, then I'll kiss him goodbye and know that he needed to meet me to make that decision.
I warned him, he has pushed and pushed for me to let my defences down, now that I have, it might make him run. The whole two years he has been here, he has purposely NOT set down any roots, his apartment is in the city, walking distance from his office, looks like a hotel room, no warmth, no real possessions. He has made no real firm friends, just acquaintances through business. By letting me into his world, he is letting in family, stability, home, children, warmth, pets, home made cooking, somebody caring about him, the whole box and dice.
Looking back, maybe that is why I had such a wall up, was so on guard. Well, if he goes now, I'm still glad I let my guard down, even if the only reason is to show myself I could. |
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• 11/6/2007 - Personal Space - No Vacancies
I'm feeling unsettled. Edgy. My friend asked me what was bothering me, but I just don't know what it is. I feel like pulling a cloak around me, a shield.
This new man in my life has been around for 8 weeks now and I just can't seem to let my guard down. I was never damaged badly in a past relationship, I have no major scars from lost love. So why the shield? Why am I too scared to make that leap? Somewhere along the way, it seems I have built a wall. When did that happen and how do I knock it down? Surely, if I don't know, how on earth is anyone else supposed to?
I miss feeling comfortable in the knowledge that someone loves me and that I love someone, that I am important in someones life and that I compliment their strengths with mine. I hardly even knew Steve Irwin existed until the day he died, but the one thing I will never forget is the love that was shown between him and his wife. I look back at my marriage and can say honestly that we never had that. I always used to say I would never settle for less than that, but I did.
It would be nice to have someone, to share a look with, to pre-empt someones thoughts or actions, to understand their desires and dreams and more importantly to believe in them, basically to just know intuitively how they are feeling.
How do I get there though? |
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• 11/6/2007 - Where to start
• 18/5/2007 - Checking In...
Wow, I feel like I haven't been here for ages! Hi Len (waves)!
Quick check in...
Health - going great
Work - hmmm, after all the recent rubbish, think it might be time to look for something else
Life - good. Very good. Zoe is great, she finally cracked a metre! My little shorty is nearly 4yo, it feel like she has been ninety something cm's forever 
Love - oh, I don't want to jinx it... call me superstitious... but so far, so good... will be back to give more details later. Not ready to make it serious yet, once bitten and all of that...
Okay, better do some studying... |
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• 6/5/2007 - Good News & Bad News
I will make this brief, after a gruelling day in the garden bringing two 10' tall gardinias and one 12' tall grevillea to ground level, I am absolutely exhausted.
I will give the great news first because that is too good to wait on. My new rheumy says in his opinion I was misdiagnosed 12 years ago. He thinks I do not have psoriatic arthritis but I do have juvenile arthritis that has persisted in to adulthood. The best part about this is that PA is a nasty form of arthritis and would have more than likely left me eventually crippled. JA comes and goes, I will continue to have flares, which can be managed. Now the even better news is that the xrays should no permanent damage to either my wrists or ankles! This means, after each of the flares, my joints seem to recover back to the same condition as before. Huge, hey?! Also, JA will only affect the joints it is already in now, no new joints should be affected.
I feel like I have been handed my life back. I can now plan a future which doesn't include a wheelchair. A future which may even include having another child, if I ever meet the right guy that is!
Now, the bad news is relating to my job, which on Thursday when I got it, was devastating. But somehow, after Saturdays news, just doesn't seem so bad at the moment.
The new job I was offered has been withdrawn. Not completely, just from me. It appears my current manager was not prepared to have me leave her department and she did what she could to block me. Well, it worked. The other manager told me he had his back against the wall. There is nothing I can do to change the decision, so jumping up and down won't help. I have complained to HR but told them not to act on the complaint yet. I may decide to leave anyway, which will mean she will still lose me. But that way, the company loses me altogether and I will go elsewhere. Shame, because I love the company. It is a decision I won't make lightly so will spend a week thinking it over.
Anyway, the matchsticks holding my eyes open are starting to fall out, so I'd better go before I start snoring :)
K |
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• 1/5/2007 - Four more sleeps...
... until my rheumatologist appointment. Ooooh I am so looking forward to that!
Who knows, my whole life could change, after 12 years being diagnosed with one condition, I could find out that I have something completely different.
Fingers crossed for me. |
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• 23/4/2007 - Woohoo!
Wow, life is just so good!
I had a job interview on Friday for a newly created position in a different department at work. I am so sure this job was written just for me, it is so perfect.
Well, walked into work this morning to be told... yep, you guessed it, the job is mine!!!!!
It will mean about a $12K pa payrise PLUS a company car! I will be a Return To Work Coordinator, helping young people get through their Apprenticeships in one piece. They are all in heavy industries and are all quite young, which of course means quite a few incidents/accidents. My job will be to make sure their claims are handled properly and they also work safely and go back to a safe working environment.
Add that to the fact my arthritis has barely bothered me for about two three weeks, plus the fact I might be going on a date in two weeks... life just couldn't be better! |
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• 3/4/2007 - Zippidee doo dah, zippidee ay... my oh my what a wonderful day...
I handed in an assignment tonight at TAFE and my lecturer said it looked fantastic.
I managed to get a huge spring clean done today at home.
I formally applied for a new job within my company, which I am sure was written just for me it is so perfect. Oh, and what makes it sweeter is a $12K payrise and a company car!
My dear friend Narradine arrives from Tassie tomorrow to spend five whole days with us. Woohoo!!!
Hope you all have a wonderful, safe Easter... filled with family, love and sunshine.
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• 1/4/2007 - Great news, hopefully
I have had arthritis ever since I was a child and have just learnt to live with it. When I was 24, I was formally diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis, which is linked to the skin condition psoriasis and is a nasty, degenerative, progressive form of arthritis. Usually sufferers end up with joint replacements and also on massive amounts of drugs to get through day to day life.
Lately, after some bad medication choices, I have started realising that my current rheumatologist, who I have had for 12 years now, just wasn't keeping up to date.
The medications he has had me on are old and don't prevent damage, they just really reduce the inflammation.
Anyway, because of that and also some niggly doubts of my own, I had an appt with a new rheumy yesterday.
Now, whenever I have seen my old rheumy in the past or my GP, they always ask how my psoriasis is. And I always tell them, I don't get psoriasis. I had it once, about 15 years ago, but that was it.
I was also always told that some patients don't get psoriasis, just the arthritis. This just didn't seem to ring true though. So, when I saw the new guy yesterday, that was the first thing I said.
Anyway, at the end of the 90 minute appointment, I said to him "So, do you think I have PsA?"
He said, No! He said that sure, some people start with the arthritis only, but usually they end up with the skin condition three or four years later. Well, I have had arthritis since I was about 10 years old, I'm now 36. Talking to mum, she can even remember me having problems with my fingers when I was about 5 years old.
So, the new rheumy actually thinks I may have a juvenile inflammatory arthritis that has lingered into adulthood.
The bestest, most fabulous news about that, is if he is right, then that means I don't have PsA, which, as said before is a degenerative, progressive disease.
Maybe I am now leaping to conclusions, but that would also tell me that the damage being done to my joints isn't progressive, which means I won't end up crippled or needing massive amounts of drugs to deal with everyday life.
So, I'm off to have an absolute heap of blood tests done and xrays and am booked back in to see him in five weeks time.
Wow!
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• 26/3/2007 - Further more...
I had an email today. From the man from work who prompted Friday nights heartache.
To cut a long story short, this man has spent the last 8 months complimenting me, calling me, making me feel special. Two big problems though, the first being I don't agree with mixing work with romance. The second being, he had a girlfriend. Now, in the last few weeks he has led me to believe this girlfriend was no longer on the scene.
Now, I don't drink much, I don't like feeling out of control. Friday night though, this man bought me drink after drink after drink. I drank them, so I can only blame myself.
This man then kissed me. And I kissed him back. THEN, I realise he is STILL with his girlfriend. I can't work out who he must have the least respect for... her, me or himself.
When I get to work this morning, a lovely lady that I work with, who also happened to be there Friday night, tells me he has pulled the same stunt with her. What is worse, she is a married woman and he felt so sure of himself, that that didn't even seem to bother him. He also plied her with drinks one night, obviously trying the same thing.
So I reply to his email requesting to meet me for lunch, a coffee, anything... saying no, I will not have lunch with him and told him I am not interested in having a relationship with him. I told him it was partly to do with us working for the same company and also because of him being in a relationship. I didn't have the guts to tell him how deceitful I thought he was, how humiliated I felt, I thought I would just end it with that, and hope he would move on to someone else.
He replied telling me I had a cold heart among other hurtful things.
Is it me? Am I cold? Do I have this unrealistic image of what should happen when boy meets girl? A couple of months ago, I told another man that I wasn't interested in a relationship and he also accused me of being cold and said I would lead a lonely life. Is it a male ego thing?
I'm just a bit tired of all of this, it never used to be this hard.
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• 24/3/2007 - I know I am going to regret this post in the morning...
but I have come home from a work do and just need to say something, just wish someone was here to hear it. I have had a few wines which I don't normally do (but have just surprised myself that I still find punctuation important regardless of how nuch trouble I am having find the right keys...)
A man at my work who has chased me and wooed me shamelessly for 9 months now also came out with us tonight, and my I finally went against all sensibility after he declared his feelings tonight I finally said that maybe, just maybe, if I let down the big brick wall and now I am crying and wish I wasn't but maybe maybe if I let him in would he not break my heart but already I know he would and he will and he did . And I sent him away and will build the wall bigger and higher and I should never ever ever have let him in but I did and I'm just sad and will just cry and just learn for next time. I just wish oh wish oh wish I could talk to someone right now.
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• 18/3/2007 - I am one
Just came home from a birthday party full of sweet happy couples. Wish I had a shoulder to lay my head on.
Repeat to self: Feeling blue today, sun will come out tomorrow and everything will be fine...
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