Soap made of goat's milk doesn't lather

Today was the first day since I've been back from LA that I felt I could legitimately struggle through without being a quivering mess all day. I even laughed today. I know!

 

I had my Claire with me and although we did nothing special, it just seemed to make the day a bit better.

Or maybe it was the herbal pill? She saw them in the supermarket the other day, sold in single doses, and wanted to try them, and because I humour my kids (I will eat nothing in order to buy them food or whatever) I bought a pack for me, figuring that it was something I would try out  and tell her what it felt like before Iet her try it. They had had ginseng, guarana and some other herb in them that I can't remember and I just thought that they would be a bit of a stimulant. It said it was safe for people over the age of twelve so I figured they couldn't be too bad (Aus is very strict on this sort of stuff).

 Anyway, she got up late this morning and I got the opportunity to cook breakfast for her around 11. I love cooking breakfast for people. Bacon, cooked ever so slowly so that its really crisp, grilled tomato and egg in a hole in toast. Is it silly that I like to look after those I love? I loved doing it for Ron  too, even just putting oatmeal in a cup or making him iced tea or coffee for the day.

 

Anyway, cooking breakfast  is enough for me; I don't actually eat it. I made fresh percolated coffee for myself ,with lemon peel that I just shaved off the fresh lemon I stole from next door neighbour (he wants to bone me but at least is honest about it) and had fruit.

Then I took that pill. I'd promised her we would go into the city for Christmas shopping so I hoped that it make me a little enthusiastic about it all. Well, I wasn't exactly enthusiastic but it wasn't too bad, so maybe the pill did help. I steered her in the direction of presents that I thought the recipients might enjoy and she had her own ideas and between the two of us she knocked off four presents and some clothes for herself all within an hour. Good girl!

On  the way back to the carpark we passed a thrift store and I ducked in (sometimes you can get new sports socks really cheaply and I need them for my running) and there was a really pretty new summer dress in yellow and white for $3.00, which Claire said I should get so I did. It felt summery and fresh and I felt pretty in it and halfway normal. Pill action?

  

Then home to make salad sandwiches for lunches (I can't get enough fresh greens and vegetables after LA) and then Claire and I decided to clean the outside metal screening blinds of my my bedroom window. It was a long drawn out process, involving actually getting on the roof, unscrewing screws, using a brush to scrub, then chucking buckets of water to rinse and its still not finished as I had to take the whole window frame out and lube it up a little. Of course, cleaning the blind made the window frames and windows look dirty so I had to clean those too and scrape out the dirt in the crevices, which I don't think had ever been done since the damn building was built. Not finished yet but it was oddly satisfying scrubbing so hard with the two of us. Pill action again, since I am not fanantical about stuff like that?

 

Off for a run/walk but I have shin splints and it hurts. Still I carried on as best  I could, while Claire rode a bike and we had a conversation about esoteric things such as why birds could fly and people couldn't. She was interested to hear that bird's bones are hollow and to listen to Bernoulli's (sp?) Theorem ( a moving jet of air or liquid produces a reduced pressure at right angles to it) explained in layman's terms as to just how it lifts up the wings and we speculated on why don't birds fly all the time, because it looks like so much fun.  We concluded that it was a bit like running versus walking for humans - quite nice for a bit but fucking awful for extended periods because its hard work!

 

On the way out we'd passed a duck on the edge of the lake that hadn't moved away as we approached and Claire, an ardent animal lover, was concerned for its welfare. However, she saw it blink its eyes and was reassured. But it was still there when we came back and she was concerned. She wanted to make sure it was ok and asked me to chuck a bit of twig at it! I pointed out that it might just be an old sick duck and that it if it wasn't feeling well then having sundry bits of foliage thrown at it would not make it feel at all better!

So she asked me to call the RSPCA. On a Sunday. To come out and rescue a duck that just wasn't moving much. I didn't fancy our chances and said so. Her next plan was to take the duck back to our apartment and look after after it. Apparently, we could not leave a duck that possibly might be sick by itself. People passing by in the meantime were listening to this conversation and smiling openly. I eventually agreed to the duck nursing scenario on condition she caught it! We compromised on deciding to go back to check in the morning and see how it was faring.

 

So, the first semi-normal day I've had since I got back. First one that I haven't wretchedly cried my eyes out for hours and hours. It feels almost like a betrayal not to do so, like life is going going to go on regardless, like I'm an uncaring bitch.

I feel like I actually accomplished things. Was that the pill action? Unfortunately, I chucked out the wrapper it came in so I am going back to the supermarket where I bought the original one tomorrow, and going to take one again and see if the day is again a little easier for me. If it is, then I am trying to buy a whole heap. I will take whatever I can to help me through this. I am aware that herbal doesn't necessarily equal safe but I am not self medicating in any other way, including alcohol, and I'll take whatever I can legally and easily get my hands on in the here and now and worry about its possible long term effects in the future. Trust me, when I say if I could get my hands on something like Valium to numb me a little right now, I would be swallowing it by the bucketload.

 

So, a halfway normal weekend day. My thoughts and feelings are so mixed up over this. I feel guilty doing anything  in any way normal. Like its a betrayal of Ron, like I'm not grieving enough if I do anything outside sorrow for him and for us.