Soap made of goat's milk doesn't lather

Fuck this constant crying. My face hurts. I suppose one advantage of my face peeling off from the constant barrage of tears is that it is akin to a laser peel, which wealthy middle aged matrons pay a lot of money for. I do have a steroid based lotion I can apply but its a little pointless as crying just washes it off again and its expensive and I'm broke.

Am I having a pity party for myself? I had a friend who accused me of just that and I stopped to think about it. I don't think so. I think I am just mourning. It's not so much about what I am missing out on but what we are missing out on together and what he is missing out for himself. Nobody deserves to die at 38. I think I am entitled to grieve. I also think that I will not be counting that person as a friend any more.

I don't honestly know whether it makes it better or worse to speak to Ron on the phone. It distresses both of us almost unbearably. But so does the prospect of not speaking to him. It's a luxury we really both can't afford.

I left my perfume with him when I left because I knew I could never wear it again. He said it would be a comfort and it has been. He says he sometimes sprays a little on the passenger seat of his truck (they call utes and Hilux type vehicles 'trucks' over there) and remembers me sitting there.

Today, for the first time in a few days, I made an effort. Changed the bed linen, cleaned myself up a bit. I normally love the clean fresh feeling of new sheets and fresh showered body snuggled down into them but tonight I don't give a damn. I hate the world.

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3:00 AM, 12/10/2008 .. Posted by Suzy

Yes, I think you definitely have to grieve. You're losing a loved one, and to an extent, you're losing your future, at least the one you had planned with Ron. Just make sure to do whatever it is you need to do to not get stuck in the grieving.

Untitled Comment

3:34 AM, 12/10/2008 .. Posted by svp

I feel like I should say something, but I'm not sure what exactly to say. I hope every day for a miracle for Ron so that he can see his kids grow up. I lost my father at 12, so I know how hard it is growing up without a dad. I hope for that miracle too so that y'all can be happy together. It's horrible to see someone dying so young, no matter past circumstances, especially after forging a friendship with him. I feel for you in my heart, and I hope for the best for you as well.

People don't understand

8:27 AM, 12/10/2008 .. Posted by sunflower

Unless you have experienced the full onslaught of grief you can not understand the depths of it. It has been said that grief is a kind of madness and I think its true. Allowing it is a healthy thing: not only have you lost your dreams and hopes for the future but you are losing him at the apex of your relationship. That would be tough on anyone.

You are making efforts for your future (job, counselling etc etc) and that is a mighty big show of forward movement, especially given how miserable you are feeling. Cripes when I was grieving at times just taking breath after breath seemed difficult. Its a weight off him to know that you are going to be ok and a tribute to his love to keep moving forward.

It seems insurmountable now but the rawness of the pain does diminish. The love will not. The memories will not, those you will have in heart forever. At some point the flow of tears will stem and you will start going through the motions of daily living without a peeling face even when your heart is heavy. It does get easier to bear but be assured the love never leaves.

Ignorant, unfeeling people who do not fully realise their emotions may tell you to pull up your socks, suck it up and get on with it. They do so because they can't cope with their own feelings, maybe haven't experienced such a loss, are uncomfortable with emotions...many reasons. None of them relevant to you. The trouble is when you are raw and vulnerable its the last thing you need to hear.

Hang in there Kat.

x

And guess what?

10:14 AM, 12/10/2008 .. Posted by kat

These comments all made me cry. Mind you, I think even bumping my knee at the moment would make me cry but they were very heartfelt and so very much appreciated.


Suzy, I have got plans in place to carry on with my life without Ron. He loves Australia so much and he loves the thought of me doing my tours in the outback. I'll be doing that next month and I expect I'll throw myself into my job with a passion that will at least distract me. I'll write to him to him about my day every day that I can and each trip will see him slip a little bit further away from me. But I will be faking a life and maybe I'll find that I've made a life.



Sunflower, I'm sorry I haven't been to see you. I'm not seeing anybody right now except my beautiful girls and even they aren't enough to make me happy. I do think of you thinking of me, though, and it makes a difference. All I can hope for is that it does get better. Your words are heartfelt and beautiful and I hope so much that they will be true for me also.



SVP, well, I am surprised and touched that you've commented here. I assumed you read, given the history, but I didn't know for sure for a while now . Yes, I can't bear to think of Ron's kids without their father (they are 6, 10 and 12) and such great kids. They don't know yet. He is just so great with kids, loves my two, who are also taking this very hard.

It is very nice of you to wish us well and one day I might write you a behind the scene email about it all. Thank you, in the meantime.



Edited by kat on 12/10/2008 at 12:17 PM