Soap made of goat's milk doesn't lather

Sick of titles

This post is just me whinging. Ignore.

I like my life with clearly definable edges; plans and structure. I don't cope well if these things don't exist. Don't get me wrong: I adapt extremely well to change; it's just that I will put up a new plan up there instead of the old and, once again, I will have guidelines to stick to, even if they were not the original ones.

 I can't get mad. 

I feel guilty about even getting a little antsy in the pantsy: I'm a bad girl for wanting to pick up that phone and call him for hot phone sex. Because maybe he chooses less excitement these days in favour of a more sedate (and extended) lifestyle. I can't even use it for my own fantasy material without remembering how I actually stopped his heart there, for a moment once, when I was with him. Death fucking is as close to the line as it gets.

The balance of power has shifted and the 'our' is not so equal any more, when talking about the relationship between us.  The equality of it was what made it so good: the equality in talk, work, love, laughter, sex, aspirations, goals.... you name it, we could communicate and understand each other's points of view. We no longer share the vision of an extended future with each other. That's not going to happen any more and all the trying  in the world won't make it so.

 Try as I might to be understanding, loving him as much as I do, I can't help but resent the fact that once again a man has the upper hand in a relationship with me. Ironically enough, it was Ron that taught me the joys of a truly mutual partnership but, through no fault of his or mine, it proves not to be an enduring one and I want to scream and scream and scream with the injustice and rage of it all.

I have no control over his dying at all and my distaste at this state of affairs makes me truly ashamed of myself. He doesn't want me to be there to hold his hand at the end and I've given him the huge gift of making that so. But for me, that leaves me in a kind of limbo. I feel powerless in my life again and I can't seem to move past it.