Soap made of goat's milk doesn't lather

I've had a good day today

Well, as good as it gets when your fiance is dying on the other side of the world and can't do a damn thing about it. I've kept myself busy (admittedly a lot of that busie-ness was taken up with vomiting from the tail end of this migraine) and spent four hours wrapping Christmas presents. Its the only thing that seems to make me happy right now; the buying of things for others. I think its probably the start of a mild maniac episode but I'm going with it.

I've arranged to go on a little road trip with the girls, down south; we'll stay with my friends Zak and Lele. I've organised a Christmas bake-a-thon with an old friend, I've called my daughters, and even was up to taking to my friend.

On the down side, I called my mother twice, just because I needed to cry and to talk. It's funny but for years whenever I heard the phrase "call me anytime  to talk, if you need to" I used to think it was just  a platitude' that people said it because they didn't know what else to say and that you certainly shouldn't take them up on it. I never did.

This is different. I'm reaching out to anybody, and everybody, I can. I'm getting my strength from others when I can't find it within myself. If you offer help, I'm going to take you up on it. This is such a lonely time for me. I feel so isolated and helpless, watching my man slip away from me. Already I can't even recognise the person I used to love so much. The love is still there, the love will always still be there but the dialogue is one way now and I'm pouring as much out there as I can and for the first time ever in our relationship, its not a fair split. I'm lighting the way for him, standing back by illuminating the path.

He made me glow. A radiance that no-one has ever managed to draw out of me before. He used to say that my light shone half a world away and drew him to me. He used to say that I was beautiful, lit up from inside. He was the one that lit that flame, turned into a tangible glow, an aura of happiness and vitality that other people were drawn to.

He made me strong, confident and happy. Oh, so happy.

Even now there is happiness still. I can feel this whole dreadful time all around me and yet there is, for me, my world made made brighter simply because he is still in it. It will still be the better for having had him in it once he's gone.

My light's going to dim when he goes. I'll need help to keep it flickering and alive. Please help me do that, let me know that you are out there and that you care. That's really all you need to do. It doesn't sound like much, but it's everything to me.