Random....

I'm stressed!

Its exam time again. I've had one exam so far, and I've still got 5 to go! I have two exams on Monday; Anatomy and Biomechanics and an Anatomy practical exam. Ergh. I still have a lot of study to do so its going to be a very long night, and a long day tomorrow. My next exam after that is on Thursday so I only have 2 days to study for that one. I can see myself not doing so well  

Black Cats

Saturday night was the night of my all important uni pub crawl. Our t-shirts looked like this:

Get it? Physio - very - pist. Stop moaning, I reckon they're pretty clever! Anyway, that night I was running late for my bus to get into the city so I was running in the dark through the back streets to get to the bus stop and a black cat darted across my path. I laughed to myself, thinking "Jeez im glad im not superstitious, that would have freaked me out". Oh how I laughed, but now, I am being teased by the curse of the black cat. Between Saturday and now, my mp3 player has stopped working, I've had someone sit on my new $130 glasses, my shoe fell off while i was walking down North terrace and then I fell over trying to put it back on. Oh and it gets better, yesterday I was walking to a lecture with a few of my friends and out of nowhere, a big leaf came flying off a tree in a gust of wind and hit me square in the face. Think about it, you have to be pretty unlucky for a leaf that is flying at a random tragectory to hit you, a moving target, at high speed in the face. I've certainly learnt my lesson.

Oops, I'm a slack blogger.

Hey everyone! Wow its been a while since I've been here now, did I miss any goss?  This site has changed quite a bit from what I can see. We have sponsors now hey? I knew that happen sooner or later. Well where should I start....I'm doing pretty well at uni so far but its keeping me busier than I'd like to be. For the last couple of months I've been a studying machine and its only going to get worse in a couple of weeks when my exams start. But do you know what? Even though I get hardly any sleep and have a minimal time for social interaction, I'm happier than ever! I feel like I'm finially on the right path to get where I want to be, and I wake up every day and think, wow I'm a physio student, because its such a privilege these days. Keeping the positive vibes coming, something I thought would be a devistating experience has turned out to be a blessing. I can't remember if I mentioned it in one of my last posts, but my best friend Max moved to Darwin. Obviously I miss him like crazy, but now that he's not around I've realised that I've been neglecting my other friends a bit. So lately I've been hanging out with lots of different people and meeting new people too which has been really good. I've also become closer to my friend Megan, who as it turns out really needed my support but wouldn't have said so if I hadnt reached out to her. She's been there for me to, and to my suprise I felt comfortable enough to open up about things that I usually try so hard to keep hidden away from people. I speak to Max regularly and he's having a ball in Darwin. He bought a 4 wheel drive so he's always exploring some off road track somewhere and finding great spots to go fishing which he is mad keen on. So its turned out for the better. On a less deep and meaningful note, I have a crush on someone (te he). I haven't liked someone for so long I've forgotton all about that giddy feeling you get in your stomach. I don't have any high hopes that any romance will develop, but hey you never know.

Happy long-weekend.

Since I believe in the pagan origin of this holiday, happy Ostara everyone =). Even though that's not technically correct since its not spring. Hmmm. Maybe I should stick to calling it Easter? Anyway, I hope you're all having a nice long weekend!

Losing my friends

Oh my, its been a while since I’ve updated my blog, I’ve had a couple of mentionable events happen since I last posted. Firstly, it was Bec’s 23rd birthday the week before last. Since November last year, I have been searching for an extremely rare t-shirt of a band she absolutely loves. I was just about ready to give up when just over a week before her bday I found one in the US! It was the only one left and it was her size to. Fate maybe? It ended up costing me quadruple the amount I had intended to pay due to the fact it is so rare, the conversion rate, and shipping costs but I was so excited, I knew she was going to love it (and love it she did). That day Bec told me that she was going to have bday drinks on the following weekend. I had the option of going on a camp for uni, but decided not to go because I didn’t want to let her down. During the week I tried calling her several times to find out all the details etc but she didn’t answer her phone or call me back. Friday came around and I got a call from Bec’s house mates K & M (also two of my closest friends) and they invited me round for dinner. I thought I could just talk to Bec once she gets home from work. So it was about 9 and Bec walks through the door with her friend Adam, barely speaks a word to me and locks herself in her room. Hmm. Interesting. She emerges from her room all dressed up, doesn’t even make eye contact this time, and goes outside for a smoke. By now I had concluded that she was going out somewhere, and was pretty friggen annoyed that she was ignoring me. To top it off, as she was literally half way out the door she said to me ‘Oh, do you want to come?’ to which I replied ‘Where are you going?’ So Bec says ‘To the city for my birthday,’ and all I could say was ‘Your fucking kidding me.’ She gave me a puzzled look as she was completely oblivious to why such a thing might upset me, and pranced out the door with Adam. I was quite upset.

To make matter worse, Max is moving to Darwin for a year and he’s leaving tomorrow morning. I’m going to miss him so much. We went out on Sunday night and ended up talking non-stop from 7pm to 1am, and we only stopped because it was getting really late. He’s one of the only people I could talk to forever and never run out of things to say. I’m going to miss our never-ending chats very much. I know there’s phone and email, but its just not the same. I’m taking him out to dinner tonight and then after that I won’t see him for a whole year =(

Its Monday?

I would have looked something like that cat this morning. At 7:00am I pounded the off switch on my alarm in frustration, thinking 'why did I set that? Its Sunday you idiot.' After falling back to sleep I woke me up at 8:50am when my mum came into my room...in her business suit, giving me distressed looks, jiggling her keys, speaking screeching jibberish while waving my uni timetable at me  ...... to which I realised... OH SHIT ITS MONDAY!

Unless I had a high powered jet of some kind there was no chance of making my 9am lecture. So here I am at home. What an idiot. I have a lecture and a prac later in the day that I am going to, thats if I dont forget its monday again

From friends to enemies

In high school I had a group of about five friends who I had been very close with for several years. My best friend was Amanda. We were like sisters and did everything together. Within six months of graduating from high school the group began to drift apart. Amanda was still at school repeating year 12, I was working full time, and the others were also working or studying elsewhere, so we were all doing our on thing and just caught up every couple of weekends. I also made some new friends during this time and had become involved in my relationship with Bec which I shamefully kept a secret from my group of friends. 

One night I was having a chat with Selena, another friend from this group, who confronted the with the question 'whats the deal with you and Bec, is there something I should know?'. I didnt see the point in lying as she had obviously worked it out anyway, so I just told her everything. To my relief she was perfectly fine with it, and like all good friends she said if I ever wanted to talk about it she was there.

Less than a month following that conversation it was my 19th birthday, and my group of friends agreed to come have a birthday drink with me at Bec's house. That night I waited and waited and not one of them showed up. I tried calling and texting all five of them for over an hour and just got nothing. 

18 months passed and I did not see or hear any of them. I was devistated. I was angry that they obviously all got together and decided to cut me off, but I also felt guilty because I suspected that they were all peeved that I had not been open with them. I know now that I should have been.

So after all this time with no contact, I got on my bus yesterday and see Amanda. She just stared straight through me. I didnt know what to do, my stomach was in knots. I sat opposite her on the isle and tried to talk to her. This is how the conversation went:

Me: ''Hi Amanda"

Amanda: *rolls eyes* "pffft" *turns away*

Me: "Um ok, I just wanted to know how your going.What are you doing these days?"

Amanda: "Nah fuck off"

That pretty well ruined my day. I know she hates me but I dont know why.

Introducing....my family

 This is my Dad Brian. He's the Manager of a major Pathology company in New Zealand ( i wont tell u which one!). Dad is the kindest, most generous man and well, he's basically my hero.

This is my mum Sharon, she is the office manager for a plastic surgeon. She's very bubbly and talks so much that u wish you were deaf (sometimes), but she usually means well. Thats her partner Roger next to her. I won't comment on him.

This is my older brother Tom. He doesnt do much other than make electronic music on his computer and argue that it will make him rich one day. He doesnt normally look that psychotic when he smiles, but thats the best photo I could get.

This is my mum and dad when they were my age!

And thats me!

Update

Ok so just to update on my previous post, I went to the memorial service on Wednesday. I felt as akward as I thought I would, but I admit several students presented excellent speaches and I felt like I did the right thing by going. Thurday was the dreaded disection day and I was actually ok! It was very confronting at first, and I won't go into the details because it really was quite gruesome, but after the first half an hour I had become used to what I was seeing/smelling/touching and it became more interesting than scary. Some other people didnt cope so well. One poor girl just freaked out as soon as she saw the bodies and was screaming and crying and wouldnt let anyone touch her. It took the coordinators about 10 minutes just to escort her from the room. Someone else in my class fainted when they opened up one of the bodies for us. I dont blame him . So it looks like I can handle it after all.

Back at uni

Ok. So I've officially been a physiotherapy student for two days now, and I must say the transition has not been as smooth as I had hoped. There has been so many time table stuff ups so getting to the right lecture theatre or lab room at the right time is a challenge. I missed a compulsary tutorial today because the room it was held in was changed at the last minute and I wasnt aware, so I was running around trying to find administrators who could tell me where my class was but they were all clueless to. I now have to make up this class in a less than convienient time of course =(

I am extremely anxious about the next two days because as a physio student you are expected to perform human disections in anatomy class. Yes thats right, we are given a dead person and we have to cut them open and have a look. What makes the situation even worse is that we are required to attend a memorial service tommorrow for the people who have donated their bodies, and thank their FAMILIES who will also be attending. Oh my god?! What am I meant to say to these poor people that have just lost a loved one, who is now about to be demolished by a bunch of kids? 'Hi, my names Jessica. Thanks for letting me chop up your husband.'  Seriously though, what do you say? After the memorial service the way I see the body will also change. How am I not meant to feel an emotional connection to the body laying before me who was a person, with a spirit a life and people who loved them, and be able to cut them like a piece of meat? Unfortunately I dont think I can completely disconnect, it will always be a difficult thing for me to do. All I can do is try and accept that it was the individuals wish to donate their body, and my priveledge to learn from them.

Rambling on

Its my last weekend before I go back to uni. I am excited about starting Physio on Monday, but I still want more holidays! I always think of all the things I should have done right at the end of the holidays when I have no time left to do it, like staying at Kangaroo Island for a few days to see the seals and penguins. Geez, why didnt I think of that last week? I've been working quite a bit lately, so I have money for once, unfortunately that will stop next week when my hours will dwindle down from 30 to 10 hours a week.

Well tonight I'm just having a relaxing night by myself and making the most of not having to stress over anything. Since its such a nice night, I'm going to play some music and lie under the stars once it gets dark. I'm sure most other uni students will be partying their last Saturday night away, but I seriously can't be bothered with any of that tonight. I don't have much else to report, but I thought I'd just share some of my favourite pictures. I collects pics that I find interesting, thought provoking, or trigger emotions for me. Heres a few:

I want out

For the last couple of years I have been desperately wanting to move out and get my own place. The main reason is my mums partner. He was renting a house when he met my mum, but it was only a few months before he started living with us, rent free. Over the past two or so years he has been living here, he has taken over everything and has re-financed my mums mortgage to buy a boat and a car. He is so controling of my mum. He basically dictates to her what she should do, how she should act and what she should say, and she just follows his directions. He also HATES the fact that I'm still living in the house and makes my life hell. He constantly yells at me about the most trivial of things, for example on more than one occasion he has pulled me buy the ear (literally) over to the kitchen sink and screamed at me for not washing all the suds down the sink after I did the dishes. I can't go a day without being 'told off' for something or patronized and called names. He has also hid my car keys from me because I put them on the bench instead of hanging on the key hook, and put a carton of sour milk in my room because I didn't throw it out before it went off (only my mum and I drink milk). He is a sleazy pig of a man and is constantly staring at my breasts and my ass, it makes me feel sick. I can't confide in my mum because he has got her so brain washed that she takes his side no matter what. I have a week to myself this week while there on a houseboat trip, so I'll be fiine for a while. I just really want to get soon though, but because I'm studying full time it makes it so hard. Even if I got centerlink and worked as much as I could, I'd still be struggling. Its not fair.

Yuck!

Its too friggen HOT! I sat in traffic all day driving the car around for work in 38 degree heat, hot car, no air conditioning, hot work clothes, ERGH! By the time I got home I had sweat dripping off my face and my clothes were stuck on my body. Gross. I hate this weather. I'm so jealous of my mum and her partner, there going on a house boat trip so they'll be on the river swimming and skiing all week. In the mean time I'll just sit hear and melt

The end, my Love.

I'm finially moving on. I've been chasing an unrequited love for the past year, and after fighting with all my might to persuade her I've decided it was upsetting me too much and I had to let go. Basically, we were together for a while, I fell in love, she didnt, she moved on, I didn't, I kept trying, she kept sending mixed signals. So I wrote a nice poem which basically says: 'I love you, we're not meant to be, but we'll always be friends.' I put it in her letter box with a rose tonight while shes at work, so she'll get it for valentines day. Its the right thing for both of us, but I'm in pain. I feel like I've just jumped off an endless cliff with nothing to cling onto. But in the back off my mind, I know I need to fall for a little while until I find my feet to land on. I think that I'll be ok.

A poem

The Tame Bird

by: Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)

THE tame bird was in a cage, the free bird was in the forest.
They met when the time came, it was a decree of fate.
The free bird cries, "O my love, let us fly to the wood."
The cage bird whispers, "Come hither, let us both live in the cage."
Says the free bird, "Among bars, where is there room to spread one's wings?"
"Alas," cries the caged bird, "I should not know where to sit perched in the sky."

The free bird cries, "My darling, sing the songs of the woodlands."
The cage bird sings, "Sit by my side, I'll teach you the speech of the learned."
The forest bird cries, "No, ah no! songs can never be taught."
The cage bird says, "Alas for me, I know not the songs of the woodlands."

There love is intense with longing, but they never can fly wing to wing.
Through the bars of the cage they look, and vain is their wish to know each other.
They flutter their wings in yearning, and sing, "Come closer, my love!"
The free bird cries, "It cannot be, I fear the closed doors of the cage."
The cage bird whispers, "Alas, my wings are powerless and dead."

Damn rumour

On Saturday night I went out with a few friends down at Brighton beach. The weather had been really hot for a few days before so the water was really warm even at 10pm. We were just wading in the water, drinking beer and chatting when someone screamed profanities and claimed that a crab nipped them, causing everyone (except me) to run frantically towards the shore. I was the only one smart enought not to believe the drama queen, who at most probably just stepped on a shell considering she had no visable injuries whatsoever. I stood there by myself for ages, just taking everything in - the full moon, warm ocean up to my knees, sand under my toes, the lights reflecting on the water, friends giggling in the back ground, nice breeze. I live for moments like that. It just puts everything in perspective, and you realise that life is pretty good after all.

My little serene moment with nature was broken by my friends who dragged me out of the water so we could go to a party. It annoyed me how none of them appreaciated how beautiful it was that night, all they wanted to do was get drunk. The party sucked to. There were so many arguements and relationship dramas going on, it just made me feel really tense. While I was there, I was told that my one of my best friends Bec had been engaged to her boyfriend for over a year - something which I had no idea about. I was really confused about whether it was true and hurt that she hadn't told me. I have asked her room mates K and M, who are also my close friends, if they have heard anything about an engagement. They are confident that it was just a rumour, but I'm still not sure. It is very much like her to keep it a secret, but I don't want to ask her about it incase it is not true as that will certainly set of a whole chain of dramas which nobody needs right now. I guess this is just one of those situations where you have to go with the flow and let whatever happens happen.

The Picture Challenge

I've been collecting a few pics that I think represent some of the bloggers for the picture challange. However, I cheated by using images from the net (shame). This is what i've come up with so far:

Deena

Raven

Caz

EmptyAngel

Snowy

Rinny

Abloodredbird

Catdog

Chezza (i think this IS chezza)

Happenings

My friends K and M returned from their holiday to Vietnam on Sunday. It was so good to see them! I'd missed them so much, plus I was dying to tell them my news about uni . They had a fabulous time there and bought SO much stuff, especially clothes and cds (which were only 40 cents each! I'm so jealous) 

I caught up with Max after work last night. We got fish and chips at the beach which was nice for a change. We walked around a bit, then climbed up on the rocks to admire the view. To be honest, I find Glenelg depressing now. Its way to over developed with all the appartments and resteraunts, plus the ugly new trams, the sand has gone brown and theres always heavy machinary there carting sand around. It has become a perfect picture of our money-hungry, selfish, consumer-driven society. But on a brighter note, once I turned away from the land and faced the ocean, I was treated to a gorgeous sunset over the top of the ocean.

Once it was dark we drove up to windy point once again and chatted for nearly three hours. I haven't had a good talk with him for a long time so it was really good, I think we were both just in the mood to open up. We ended up talking about what it would be like if we in a relationship together which is a topic that he brings up every couple of months. I know that he wants a relationship, but it just doesn't feel like the right time to me. I think that if we are meant to be together then we will one day. By the end of the night the coversation somehow turned to weird paranormal experiences and he was telling me about a seance he did with a couple of friends a few years ago. I won't go into details because what he told me was really freaky and it scared the shit out of me. It took me a while to get to sleep last night after that, and so I didn't quite enjoy my day at work today. Oh well.

Caz's survey!

I thought I'd join in the fun and do one of these to.

ON THE OUTSIDE:
Name: Jessica (yep. Secrets out. Jr is short for Jessica Rabbit – one of my stupid nicknames)
Birth date: 9/9/86
Current Location: Adelaide
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Dark blonde at the moment.
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Virgo

ON THE INSIDE:
Your heritage: Scottish/English
Your fears: embarrassment and dark hallways ( ghosts lurk down the end of dark hallways)
Your weakness: peanut butter on toast
Your perfect pizza: BBQ chicken with pineapple on a thin base.
Goal you’d like to achieve: Pass uni and be a physio. Then work my way up to owning my own practice.

YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:
Your thoughts first waking up: Please be Sunday.*thinks* NOOOOO!!!
Your best physical feature: I have to say stomach or else all the sit ups I do would seem pointless.
Your bedtime: Any time between 11pm and 3am.
Your most missed memory: Catching my first wave at the beach

YOUR PICK:
Pepsi or Coke: neither
McDonald’s or Burger King: Maccas for the sundaes
Single or group dates: definitely single, much more romantic
Adidas or Nike: who cares?.
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: I can’t handle that amount of caffeine, so neither!

DO YOU?
Smoke: nope
Cuss: occasionally in a very un-lady-like fashion, usually when frustrated/angry.
Take a shower: usually twice a day
Have a crush: not at the moment
Think you’ve been in love: Yes once, it ruined me.
Like(d) school: Hated the cliques, but enjoyed my final year.
Want to get married: One day
Believe in yourself: yes
Think you’re a health freak: I kind of have phases but they don’t last long

IN THE PAST MONTH:
Drank alcohol: Yes
Gone to the mall: Yes
Been on stage: No, too scary
Eaten Sushi: No but I love it
Been dumped: No
Gone skating: No
Dyed your hair: No

HAVE YOU EVER:
Played a stripping game: Yes
Gotten beaten up: punched in the jaw during one of my under 14s basketball games. Kids are vicious!
Changed who you were to fit in: Sadly yes, in my mid-teens.

GETTING OLD:
Age your hoping to be married: Who can pin point an exact age? Whenever I’m good and ready.

IN A GIRL:
Best eye color: Blue
Best hair color: Black
Short or long hair: Long

IN A GUY:
Best eye color: Hazel
Best hair color: Brown
Short or long hair: Short

WHAT WERE YOU DOING
1 MINUTE AGO: Checking emails
1 HOUR AGO: Stuck in traffic on my home from work
1 WEEK AGO: Partying with my friends =)
1 YEAR AGO: Sailing a yacht in the bay of islands (New Zealand). No joke.

FINISH THE SENTENCE:
I LOVE: nature, honesty and the mystery of what the future will bring
I FEEL: greatful
I HATE: pollution, globalization, racism, abuse
I HIDE: under my covers so the ghosts cant get me. Ok, seriously – my true feelings
I MISS: some of my old friends
I NEED: To worry less about what others think of me.

My weird Dream # 2

I had another weird dream last night that I thought I would share. The reason this dream was weird was because it had several people from the past who I no longer speak to.

It started off in drama class at a high school. We were doing a final dress rehearsal for a musical play, as the actual performance was that night. I had no idea what I was doing, I didnt know any of my lines or even what the play was about. I also had to sing solo and I didn’t even know the words of the song, not to mention the fact I cant sing! I was terrified. I tried to get out of doing the performance, but the teacher told me not to let down the other actors. I looked around to see who they were, and it was Tara, Elle and Lauren who were my friends back in primary school (in real life). They pleaded with me to stay and perform but I was just too scared. I ran away.

I was then hiding at home when a lady came in my front door. She was talking on her mobile phone and I heard her say “What did Amanda chose to do, she got a TER score of 98 didn’t she?” (In real life Amanda and I were best friends in high school, but she decided she didn’t want anything to do with me about 18 months ago. I have not spoken to or seen her since then, so I have no idea what she is up to). The lady then told me that a basketball team needed an urgent replacement and that I should hurry if I wanted to get there before the game started. I got in my car and rushed down to the basketball courts. I pulled on the white uniform and started playing. Then it got weird, I started defending players on my own team, the coach and players were yelling at me but I couldn’t stop myself. I was really pushing them around and I didn’t know why. I felt a tap on the shoulder. I turned around and it was Chole (a friend from High School who I lost touch with after the fall out with Amanda). After seeing Chole I could play properly.

After the game finished, I realized my back pack was missing. I looked everywhere for it but couldn’t find it. I went to my car to see if I accidentally left it in there and saw that a white commodore had parked next to me. A girl who I didn’t know got out of the car to come talk to me.

Then my stupid alarm went off and ended the dream.

I wish I could go back to see what the girl wanted to say to me.

Also, does anyone know the significance of white in a dream?