‘Why aren’t you at work?’

‘Public holiday’.

‘Holiday? What for?’

‘Queen’s birthday’.

‘The band? That’s different. I didn’t realise Queen were so popular. Is there a public holiday for the Beatles?’

‘No, you clown, not the band, our queen, our royal leader’.

‘Our queen? We don’t have one, we’re a republic’.

‘Well we are and we aren’t. Officially we still worship the British queen, Elizabeth Windsor. Our PM, Johnny Howard, who’s in charge, likes President Bush because he has lots of guns but likes royals better. More … you know … prestige, aristocracy, ancient history, they speak proper, and all that. So we stick with Elizabeth. In the future we’ll probably have a public holiday on the US President’s birthday too’.

‘But what about Vietnamese people like me? She isn’t my queen, never was. And all the Aussies from China, Philippines, USA, Korea, Germany, Belgian Congo, what about them?’

‘Stiff cheese’.

‘But does the Queen of England have any power here?’

‘No. We did have a referendum and most people really wanted us to become a republic but the questions weren’t very clear and voters didn’t like the republic they’d have to have. So, we decided to stick with being part of the Pommy Empire, by mistake, sort of. I don’t think Elizabeth would mind if we became a republic. Her family would still own much of Britain’.

‘So she has lots of power over there?’

‘No, not for a couple of centuries’.

‘She must have power in the English bit?’

‘Nah’.

‘But doesn’t she open their ancient parliament every year and make a speech about new legislation?’

‘Yes’.

‘There you go then, she does decide what happens there’.

‘Nah. The speech is written for her. She just has to read it’.

‘Who writes it? One of her secretaries?’

‘No, the Prime Minister’.

‘So he’s the boss man? Why doesn’t he read it himself?’

‘Dunno’.

‘And why do they dress up in fancy clothes and arrive in a gold coach with lots of soldiers and horses and all that?’

‘Just tradition’.

‘So let me get this straight. This Mrs Windsor just does as she’s told, comes along and reads her script?’

‘Yes’.

‘Does she have to agree with it?’

‘No, it’s nothing to do with her, she’s not the government’.

‘It’s just play-acting?’

‘Suppose so’.

‘And for that she owns lots of the best land in little old Britain, has four sumptuous castles for her family and staff to live in, her folk are the richest people in the country?’

‘Up there. Among the richest in the world’.

‘And our Prime Minister goes along with that?’

‘Yes, he seems to love it all’.

‘But I’ve often heard him say he believes in the Australian Values of Fairness, Mateship, and Equality’.

‘That’s right’.

‘So … he’s working towards a situation where all of us have four castles to live in, huge amounts of land, the best horses, coaches, private planes to rock round the world, looked after by an army of servants, and our children don’t need to go to work?’

‘Er … ’.

‘Sounds terrific. Can’t wait. But who would be the servants?’