~'Who likes short shorts?
I like short shorts'~

The two lines of a song has plagued my mind for years.

I first heard it from an episode of the simpsons. In the last few minutes of the episode, the ship containing stolen shorts hits the beach, and explodes, releasing thousands of short shorts into the ocean.

The simpsons cast then run into the water, prancing and laughing. The lyrics 'who likes short shorts? I like short shorts' are heard in the background.

I've seen that episode of the simpsons maybe about twice now, but the lyrics have been permanently stuck in my head. I'll be eating dinner, watching a movie, walking down the street, and out of no where, the lyrics and the melody start playing in my mind.

It would be alright if I knew the rest of the song, but alas, I only know two lines.

A male regular specimen.

Sitting on the train alone.

His mind is idly drifting as the train stations roll by. The train stops at a station, and passengers begin filling in. A passenger sits down diagonally across from him. He lifts his head, glances at the new passenger, and returns to staring out at the window.

In the one quick glance, the male has scoped out the following details about the new passenger:

- female

- A size cups

- tight jeans and a t-shirt

- age range is within close proximity to his

- a slight hint of lip gloss

- oval shaped face with large black eyes

- minimal jewelry

- likelihood that she is single: 80%

- likelihood that she will go out with him: 40%

A million hormones suddenly start pumping through his system. He's made up his mind.

He shifts in his chair slightly, and puts on his most masculine pose. Pretending to look out the window to his left, he turns his whole body in his act. A quick dart with his eyes indicates that she hasn't noticed him.

He needs another look. Turns his body again, steals a quick glance in her direction.

he thinks to himself: 'Nope. She still hasn't noticed. damn.'

"hrrrmmm"

'idiot. that sounded disgusting. why'd u clear your throat for? now she's prolly grossed out. um um...pick up line. whats a good pick up line..um.Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!..Do you come here often?..How was heaven when you left it?..dammit. lame, all lame. too cheesy'

After a few moments pondering, he leans over to one side to access his phone in his back pocket, sticking out his chest and sucking in his stomach at the same time, all the while trying to look casual yet cool. He flips open his phone with exaggerated effort and tries to look busy punching numbers in his phone. He leans forward, and brings the phone up high enough so the angle is just right to ensure his biceps bunch up to its maximum volume.

 Minutes pass with no reaction from her, so he decides to put the phone back with the same unnecessary physical effort on his chest and stomach. Another quick glance. Still no reaction from her.

 For some strange, reason, he decides to sink slightly in his seat, and push his bottom further away from the seat. This causes his legs to extend beyond its normal area of occupation, and open to a sixty degree angle.

 note: Scientists are yet to understand why males perform this act. Possibly to bring his crotch area into direct view of the female, and exhibit the size of his genitalia under his pants.

He hears a sniff from the old couple sitting next to him, and comes to his senses. He must look ridiculous, slumped in his chair with his legs wide open.

He promptly straightens up. Another quick glance.

'Is that an amused look on her face?'

The train starts slowing down, and she gets up, purposefully avoiding eye contact with him.

'damn'