22/7/2007 - Frodo's dream
Well, it has been a long hard morning carrying out rat and sparrow duties. I have patrolled up and down, round and round taking risks far beyond the call of duty. It is a ruff job but someone has to do it!
What thanks do I get? None! Yes, that’s right, not one little bit of thanks. Unbelievable!!! These people placed in my care seem to think I spend all of my time slackening off and simply lazying around. Could you possibly believe that a K9 of my super intelligence and standing in the community would ‘slacken’ off.
Indeed!! Who do these people who I spend all my time protecting from the vicious rats and marauding sparrows, think they are?
That’s it! I think I will go in and have a well earned rest from these arduous duties…..
Ah!! Beautiful warm sunshine and a very very comfortable position to survey the world and drift off into a beautiful and peaceful sleep….
Well it has been six long years, or at least it seems that long, since my real owners, my mates, my buddies, my ‘let me get away with anything’ friends, left me in the hands of these stand over merchants….. I mean, how low can a human get offering me ‘treats’ to sit, stand, come, go round (yes I know a new thing I have had to learn), truth, friends!!!! Would you believe I get into trouble for doing only the slightest of misdemeanors and he, yes HE, has the hide to want to shake paws and claim to be friends!! Talk about confused!!!
I know what I will do; I will sneak out to the back garden on all fours and put on a disguise. Of COURSE I have to be on all fours, when will you all understand that ‘on all fours’ is the ONLY way to sneak around without being detected!
When you are as smart as me, changing appearance is easy and I am able to do it quickly, although I was eventually caught out and my mug shot displayed all over the place making people aware of my other self. I thought the Mexican gringo look would fool even the best of them, but I was wrong, again. This is getting ruff because they seem to be onto my every move.
Well I have tried every thing I can think of to escape. I am doomed. I have been reduced to living a dog’s life, there must be a European Union law against this or at least a Human Rights breach which will bring in the people with nets on the end of long poles to catch those pesky breaches of what is right and take them away.
Until then I guess I will simply have to ruff it and wait for an opportunity to escape through the perimeter and terrorize the local haunts.
Here is my big chance, a lapse in security when that guard is distracted with some useless activity like clipping plants, grass or some other meaningless task. Hang on, I think he is cutting up some treats…maybe they are not so bad after all, and I do like my treats….. NO! NO! NO! Don’t be distracted, this is my chance for freedom and those old cows on the other side won’t stop me. They look sooo contented.
Oh! No! I have been sprung, I will have to hide. Where can I go? Maybe down of behind these steps I was going to use to get over the fence. No way, he will see right through this and know immediately what I was up to. There must be a better plan! Ah huh, look at me mister two legged breaker of every canine rights rules, I am here on hedgehog and rat clearing duty. Really and truly I am.
Look, there could be some under this huge and mountainous pile of leaf litter. Yeh! Here, right here you two legged purveyor of EU breaches.
Steps! What steps? I am here to look for rats and things. You know! Work before play, do the right thing, work your claws to the pads, all that ‘do it or else stuff’. I going in risking life and limbs in the performance of this dangerous mission. Forget the steps, I know nothing about them! This keeper of everything cute and cuddly, ME, is so suspicious of me. I just can not see why he would even suspect one as innocent and angelic as I do anything BUT the right thing.
I had better keep this ruse going or he will suspect something. Well here goes, into the unknown……
Oh! Oh! This is a bit more scary than I thought, I mean, what could be lurking under here? I should have fessed up to the escape attempt, at least I would be out in the open and, at worst, confined to my sparse cell with all the creature comforts. But no! I had to be smart and now I stand a chance of being savaged by rampaging hedgehogs or mauled by vicious rats with revenge on their minds.
I won’t go deep under this pile and maybe, just maybe I will get away with this act and possible even get a reward for my sheer dogged determination to rid this place of vermin. After all, just doing my job and all that! Hee! Hee! Hee! This keeper is sooo easy to trick. Maybe I should have some treats to give him each time I get him to do what I want!
Nothing to report sir, I have done my job, I have risked nose and paw in the pursuit of keeping this place free of invading vermin so what do you think? A TREAT maybe?
What do you mean? Why do you keep asking about these steps? This bloke has a doggone determination to dig up the truth. What can I do to shake him off my tail?
Darn! Every excuse I came up with was treated with disbelief. How could he possibly doubt my innocence and my dedication to remaining here as a faithful keeper of a rat free, hedgehog free, sparrow free and, dream of all dreams, pesky human free territory.
He has beaten me down to a confessing wreck with treats. Will I ever overcome my addiction for treats? They get me every time and I become putty in the hands of my jailer. This is injustice, this is a travesty of EU, human and RSPCA rights and is a total injustice. It should never be allowed, the use of treats is wrong, wrong, wrong.
What am I saying, I am yours, lock me away, I don’t care, just give me treats.
Whoa, I was joking really and I didn’t mean those things I said in the heat of interrogation. Thos treats, they get you every time and now I am being carted off to confinement.
Hang on! This is worse than confinement, he is here watching my every move and he is STILL going on about those steps. I wish I had never thought of using them because he is going to drive me barking mad with this constant questioning. Maybe if I just admit it things may change…….
I will ask around and see what others think. Maybe this bull could steer me in the right direction! Hey! It was a joke, you know, a play on words! Bull, steer! No need to give me the evil eye, I just wanted some help. I think he remembers me from our last encounter. My barking may be annoying but have you herd, I can’t help myself, your bellow-aching. I don’t know, I just crack myself up. I just keep firing these bull-ets of wisdom and yet you look at me as if you want to calf me up. Oh! Stop it and move on I just can’t seem to milk anything from him. OH! Dear, it so simple with him!!! I should come back sometime and we can chew the cud!!
Mirror, mirror on the wall! How come I have suddenly got so tall?
Psst! How do I kick the ‘treats’ habit?
Keep going with it! Are you kidding me? It is driving me mad!
Yeh! They do taste Soooo good so I suppose you are right, keep my nose clean, yeh I learnt that with my Mexican disguise, and appear to do what is right and life will be one big TREAT! Yummy!
Anyway, I just thought I would get some advice from someone I look up to. Hang on, I look up to most things. Maybe, with more treats I will gat taller!!
Must move on, I am on rat patrol, have to keep these fields free of rats you know. See Ya, keep an eye on that bull.
Look at this, rat free. Am I good at my job or what?
I have heard that there is an invading force of rats gathering at the other side of the raging river so I should be off now to risk the dangerous torrent to stop this huge force which is preparing to make a take over attempt…….
Steady on, I have just finished constructing this bridge to cross the deep ravine below. Steady! Steady! One slip and it is into that fearful torrent of swirling waters below.
Made it, and just in time because those rats are ready to charge. I will hold them off here, it looks deep enough to stop them. They can’t swim can they? No body said they could swim! That wasn’t in the manual! What am I going to do?
I will wreck the rickety old bridge I made upstream and force them to try crossing here. It is deep just out there and a lot of them will not stand a chance. I should be able to control the rest.
I have to be careful or I could be washed away in this raging torrent. That’s it, I will hang on with my back paw, that will keep me safe and secure while I go about this dangerous task.
There are so many, just as well the river is taking most of them. We are going to be safe because of my dogged determination to see this invasion stopped.
They are cunning critters, I will just go up here and keep an eye out for any attempt to outflank me. It will not work though because I have instincts honed over time and passed down through the ages. We don’t win at Crufts for being dumb. We are a smart breed and no tricky rat is going to outsmart me!
Get back you sneaky little vermin, this is not your day because fabulous Frodo is on the job and nothing, yes, nothing, not even the most cunning evil rat is going to get the better of me. Stop!
Back I say, get back to that putrid dump of a place you call home and leave our beautiful squeaky clean countryside free of your devious ways.
There is no way you will manage to cross over this raging torrent so you may as well forget this whole invasion debacle, you had lost even before you had amassed in the field beyond.
Get back I say! Fearsome, fantastic, fabulous and Fiery Frodo is here to save the area from you so turn back I say. There is no way you will gat past, you are doomed so go back!
I have done a sterling job in fighting back the hordes. You can all rest safe and secure in the knowledge that Fabulous Frodo has risen to the task, has excelled before all odds, has single pawedly held ba…….
Hang on! Who put this bridge here? What is that sound of the pitter patter of hundreds of little claws overhead? Oh! Oh, there seems to have been a breech. I think its time to go back and……..
I am trapped!! Darn swollen, fast flowing, raging, boiling river which is far toooooo dangerous to cross, even for a heroic dog like me, on one side and the marauding rats now joined by millions of pesky, chirping and pecking sparrows on the other.
I am doomed, there is no escape!! Who put this bridge here? Why did I come here in the first place?
I’m doomed I say, let me bark out my last farehowlers…..I am done for! No way out! Dead, nothing but rat food and sparrow peckin………
Hang on! What am I doing here? It’s, it’s where I went to sleep before the onslaught. Dream!! That’s what it was, a huge bad dream!!
I knew it was a dream because not rat or sparrow could EVER get the better of Fabulous Frodo.
About those carers still!!!!
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