Pure Foods Eggs Are Bad
   
I went to the Fresh Food Market to get supplies one day
It is not so far from me, down Salamanca way
Therein I bought a box of eggs—and fresh ones, I believed—
but five of them were rotten and and this is why I’m grieved.
   
Those Pure Foods Eggs they are certainly not pure—
whether they be food at all, I cannot be sure.
If you wanted counsel, this is what I’d say:
“those Pure Foods Eggs are not worth the price you pay.”
    
So, don’t use them in your kitchen unless you feel like retchin’;
don’t use them when it’s time to cook unless you’re keen on being crook;
and don't use them to make a cake: that would be a bad mistake;
omit them from your quiche lorraine unless you fancy stomach pain;
don’t use those Pure Foods Egg at all—aye, that is my advice—;
they’re not pure and they’re not food, and they’re not very nice.
   
Pure Foods Eggs are bad, Pure Foods Eggs are bad,
Pure Foods Eggs are bad, Pure Foods Eggs are bad,
Pure Foods Eggs are really bad.
   
So, don’t use them to make custard or you will be disgusted;
don’t use them when it’s time to bake unless you quite like stomach ache;
and don't use them to make your tea: that would lead to misery;
omit them from your breaky cup unless you fancy throwing up;
don’t use those Pure Foods Eggs at all—yes, that is our advice—;
they’re not pure and they’re not good, no, they’re not very nice.

8 June ’07:
update
  
I received an e-mail message today from the Salamanca Fresh Food Market asking for my name, e-mail address and telephone number (which I did immediately supply—though I had already provided these details, which can also be located readily in the telephone book and on-line); and I saw the posting, in the comments section below, allegedly sent by Pure Foods Eggs, that Pure Foods Eggs had been unable to contact me. I therefore sent my addresses and telephone number to that e-mail address too; but, as you can see by reading the second comment below, that e-mail was undeliverable.
In case you were wondering, the links here, such as the one which says “e-mail Deadman,” do work.
  
8 June ’07:
further update
  
I just spoke on the telephone to Ian Jongschaap, of Pure Foods Eggs, who apologised for the rotten eggs I had bought and for the delay in contacting me.  (See also the third comment in the comments section below.)  He sought details of the rotten eggs, and explained how a rare slip in quality might occur in their usually excellent quality-control process.  I may have to change the name of this song to “Pure Foods Eggs Are Only Occasionally Bad,” or even “Pure Foods Eggs Are Actually Quite All Right.”  This requires more thought, and I’ll come back to this again.  Meanwhile, I welcome your suggestions.  It does seem unikely, now, that I’ll be issuing a dance-mix of the song on CD.
  
15 June ’07:
further update
  
I today received a carton of nice new, fresh eggs from Ian Jongschaap of Pure Foods Eggs (as well as a lovely shirt and cap which Alfred and I model below).  We discussed, among other things, the likelihood that I shall rewrite the words to the “Pure Foods Eggs” song and, without being pressured in any way whatsoever, I was happy to say that I shall probably soon record another version (or even a different song entirely) with words more complimentary to Pure Foods Eggs and its sterling products.