23/11/2006 - As time goes by..

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted here. It seems like forever. So much has changed in the last few months that I don't even recognise the person that typed those previous entries. Yes, I know it's me, but my opinions about alot of those things have changed.. ok, maybe just about him going overseas.

Yes, he's gone..been gone for 2 weeks now. To be honest, I haven't thought about it all that much really. We had something of a falling out before he left and haven't spoken since then at all. It's a bit of a shame really, we let our friendship be spoilt in that manner. I suppose the Army changed him beyond recognition..and I just didn't want to see it at the time.  But you live and learn, right? Isn't that the point to all these expirences? Gods, I hope I'm not silly enough to make the same mistakes again..

20/9/2006 - Fragments of your reflection..

Everything you do..every action effects the course of the future. Deciding to walk down the street rather than drive..calling that friend..it all changes the face of the earth. Every action we have to be accountable for because EVERYONE is changing the future.

Think about it..you stop to poke a seed into the ground, and it grows into a flowering plant. Someone comes along and picks a flower from it, and gives it to a friend that was about to commit suicide..and that gesture of love and friendship saves their life. That same person becomes a brilliant scientist and discovers a cure for AIDS..

Ok, the above scenario may be a little far fetched..but you get the idea. Something as simple as that, can change the face of the earth. I think we need to be more responsible for ourselves and our actions. How can we blame someone else for what we ourselves decide to do? I also think to take responsibility for someone else's actions is as foolish..how can one reasonably take that blame for another?

14/9/2006 - Randomness..

Don't forget me. This pain is just too real. Sideways falling. Can't you see she's not breathing. Now we know it all for sure. Make the snow fall from up from underneath your feet. You still won't hear me. I'll be there, tell me when you want to go. Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself. All will be revealed my friend. Driven by hate, consumed by fear. Can I get your hand to write on? Do not open till Christmas. Fly away. I scream for you. 50,000 tears I've cried. Bleeding for you. Say it if it's worth saving me. Save me from my mind.  I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside. Don't you see me?All I need is you. Look here she comes now, bow down and stare in wonder. Listen what I say. She never was and never will be. I'll show you what I can be.  I'm terrified of these four walls. Without the mask, where will you hide? Lost in your lie. I don't love you anymore. So much for my happy ending. Nothing else matters. How long will I slide? Lonely as I am together we cry. All I need is you. Supressed by all my childish fears. Hurry, I'm falling. I'll leave this life behind me. These wounds won't seem to heal. You still have all me. Heaven's open, fly right in. If you push me too far I just might. Wake up sleepy Jean. I scream for you. Is that your hand? The queen of hearts is always your best bet. I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. All I see is you. I've been alone, I'm alone. Standing on the ledge of the 18th storey. Someday, somehow. I know you're wondering when. Just one chance, just one breath. Still can't find what keeps me here. Fearing you. You're not real to me therefore you don't exist. On these hands and knees I'm crawling. Say it for me, say it to me. Misused, mistakes. Just one chance. Been far away for far too long. Don't think, no it's never gonna work. This time somebodies getting hurt. Singing amen I'm alive. Reveal to me, the mystery can you tell me what it means? I wish you'd do it again. I sat at home and cried alone. So many lives are broken, gone forever. From underneath the tree's we watch the sky. Our only light in paradise.       

13/9/2006 - The deep breath before the plunge..

The middle of November..that's when it looks like he's going *hugs knees to chest*. I feel sick..physically ill. I'm so worried, and nervous..I'm shaking. I don't want to loose him. Then they show that 9 day battle in Afganistan on the news..saying that the diggers are heros..and they are! No doubt about it. But we're now glorifying this war *shrugs helplessly*. I know he's going to Iraq, but Gods how I worry for him!

He sees it as a grand adventure..the highlight of his life. And so it should be, it's what he's trained for. But I have an unreasonable feeling of dread..a terror that I can't shake. I know he's smart, and I've been told that the news over-dramatises it all but that's done nothing to ease my fear. I wouldn't have him miss it, but I also wouldn't have him go. I love him so much..I don't want him to get hurt or come home changed. Perhaps I'm afraid for myself as well as for him..fearing what we'll have lost.

10/9/2006 - Always confusing, the thoughts in my head..

It's funny how at one minute you can feel beautiful, and the next you feel you're the ugliest person in existance..inside and out. Please don't confuse this with self pitty..it's merely my musings on me, voicing what I truely am.

..What I truely am..isn't that a dangerous phrase. Who can be so honest that they allow someone else to know who and what they truely are? I don't think that kind of honesty exists. Different people are aware of different parts of me..if all the people I knew got together and emptied out everything they knew about me, I still don't think everything would be there. But some know me as being self destructive, others 'genuinely' happy, some see me as being melancholy, and others again as blissfully innocent and carefree. Some see me as manipulative, and others as self-sacrificing. Isn't it funny the faces we have and what we show to whom. I don't think there's a single person that's seen me..as I am without a facade.

To be honest, I don't know what I am anymore. Perhaps an intricate mixture of all the previously mentioned qualities..but I display more of one side to particular people, also depending on the circumstances at the time. But regardless of the face I'm wearing, barrieres remain firmly in place..there's always at least one wall between them and me. These walls are civility, trust, intamacy, disdain, hatred, friendship, suspicion and love..at least one of these things are either firmly in place or forever out of reach to the person. For example..to one of my friends, the wall that remains might be suspicion..therefore they don't completely have my trust. Or for another, it might be intamacy..I'll open up to them, but to a certain point that doesn't require attachment or physical contact.

I appologise to those who don't understand what I'm going on about, but it makes perfect sense to me. I just needed to get it down where I could see it I suppose. It's not going to change anything, but my thoughts jump away from me before I can grasp them..so it's valuable to have them recorded somewhere.
   

6/9/2006 - Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter.

Isn't it funny how events you thought dealt with come back to haunt you? Feelings and emotions you considered dead, coming back to strike at you? Vivid images stored by the imagination coming back to taunt you.. The mind is a trecherous creation. Given a choice, I don't think I'd want one.

Images of dark nights and secret whispering 'Don't tell your mum, she wouldn't understand..' fill my mind till past breaking point. And still I smile and play their games. Even after mother knew and threw it in my face..she wants me to smile and pretend nothing's wrong. Hug him, call him 'dad'..This man provides for you in the way your father never did. Oh yes, he 'provided' for me and extracted payment. How can you choose him over the child of your body? Do you not feel repulsed that the hands that caress your body caressed that of your child? It sickens me.

3/9/2006 - Clarification

To all those who read my blog,

                                               Anything said in here is my feelings. If it were up to me, no-one would read them except for the few I choose. I didn't start this blog for attention or sympathy, it's merely a safe place for me to get things out fully. If you find the contents of this blog repulsive, please, do not read on.

                  I do not want pitty, or attention.

2/9/2006 - Abiit, excessit, evasit, erupit

My Gods damned mother!! She sat me down, FORCED me to eat..and then when I'd finished and went to the toilet, she FOLLOWED me!!! What's with that??

Gah!! I was SOO mad!!

Ok, that's all to this entry, just a venting session..

28/8/2006 - The sun'll come out..Tomorrow!!

Ok..maybe it came out today, but there's no song about that..

I've had a lovely day today..really. I haven't felt down, or worthless, or fat all day. However..it's only 5.13pm, so I've got hours to go yet. But I'm not working on feeling low, I'm just being realistic about it really. Perhaps to continue this feeling I should be niaeve about it..believing it'll continue forever. I read somewhere that we create our moods, and that happiness is a choice. I disagree with that I'm afraid. I mean, if we could choose our emotions, who would ever CHOOSE to feel sadness, or pain, or alone, or afraid, or heartbreak, or betrayal?

I didn't do anything out of the odinary, and that's what's makes this happy feeling somewhat baffling. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving and holding on to every moment of it, but I wonder what's brought it about. I'm not thinking about it too hard because I don't want to chase it away! These things never last long for me, so I cherish them when they do happen. I think that's what makes these days so precious to me, they don't happen often..and it makes them all the more valuable.

26/8/2006 - The Whole of Me

My face, it smiles

My soul, it screams

My voice, it laughs

My heart, it bleeds

My eyes, to those who know, they lie

The facade.. it Endures,

Eternal

26/8/2006 - Bonding with mother..

*sighs* For the last 2 days I've been bonding with my mother in Melbourne. It was certainly an expirence. Ok, the shopping was really good..I bought 'Stadium Arcadium' album and 'All The Right Reasons' album by Nickleback..they're great, and I've been chasing them for ages now! I also got my hair dyed..and I've been wanting that done for ages now. It was an icky red colour, and now it's like a dark chocolate brown with blonde streaks. I also bought some new clothes. I bought 2 singlet tops (both size 12..and I could have gotten 10's) and my first EVER pair of size 10 jeans. So it's nice to see all my hard work paying off..but I've still got a way to go yet.

But mother had a 'weight' talk with me in the car. She was saying that I shouldn't lose anymore weight otherwise I'd look too bony and sick *rolls eyes*. Honestly. I'm not that small, I wouldn't even class myself as 'thin'. If you were to see me, you'd tell my mum she's delusional..really. But I thought it was an interesting point of my time away, so I thought I'd add it in.

24/8/2006 - Untitled..A poem by me

The pain I feel so deep inside

It screams, it writhes

My mind wants to feel the void that comes

With Blood

I'm fractured into tiny pieces

The thoughts just melt away

Trying to make it work, but the need remains

For Blood

Blood so sweet

So red

So right.

Ok, so it does rhyme..and to anyone else but me it wouldn't make any sense at all. But you know what..? I don't care. Love it, hate it, despise it, understand it..it matters not to me. However, it's my first effort at poetry, so you're obliged NOT to laugh.

23/8/2006 - As time passes..

Firstly, I'd like to say a special 'Happy Birthday!!' to my little brother *hugs him*..I'd also like to say that I'm sorry that it wasn't a special day..You're only 15 once, and you should enjoy it while it lasts. I wish you only happiness and love dude..

My parents have again spoiled what should have been a joyous occasion for a young man. My mother ever looks at him with distain and distaste, it gets tiresome. Mother..get over it, and get over yourself. I realise that makes me sound like another sullen teenager, but my mother truly is psychotic, and hates my younger step-brother. I wonder why parents do that? Favour their own kids and scorn their partners? That really does baffle me..I mean, you married this person full knowing that they had children and that those children would also become part of your life, your family. The step children (And I'm one of them) only want acceptance and love..that's all. Is that so hard to give? We don't want to replace your own children, but we don't want to be treated like trash.

Ok..I've run out of time and intelligent words..

23/8/2006 - 'Don't Forget Me' - Red Hot Chili Peppers

I'm an ocean in your bedroom
Make you feel warm
Make you wanna re-assume
Now we know it all for sure

I'm a dance hall dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'm a meth lab first rehab
Take it all off
And step inside the running cab
There's a love that knows the way

I'm the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of everything you've ever smelled
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Ooooh...
Don't forget me I can't hide it
Come again make me excited

I'm an inbred and a pothead
Two legs that you spread
Inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure

I could show you
To the free field overcome and more will always be revealed
Not alone I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Oooh...
Don't forget me I can't hide it
Come again make me excited

Ooooh...
(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Don't forget me I can't hide it
There's a match now let me light it

I'm the bloodstain
On your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all for sure

Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'll be there and tell me when you want to go
Come on then and tell me when you want to go
More will be revealed my friend

22/8/2006 - Suspicious eyes..

How will he come home from Iraq? I read the entries of others..particularly those that have been in the army and I can't help but be scared out of my wits. He's a sweet boy..but how will he come home? He joined the army to defend this country, but the Islamic Extremists are in EVERY country..how can we combat that? So while my closest friend goes and fights for a cause he doesn't fully understand..and come home not the same person..what will he have won? In the next decade more and more young men are going to throw away their innocence and sanity over a war that no-one can remember why they're fighting, or what they're trying to achieve.

When he comes home will everyone with a tan be an enemy? Will he look at everyone with suspicion? Am I over-reacting? I know that even now, just from his training, he's suspicious of strangers..how much worse will it be when he's been over there? Even after everything that's happened I just hope he'll come home safe..

21/8/2006 - All the trees are, all the trees are brown and the sky is gray...

The sky is an interesting shade of gray this morning. Not quite gray enough to rain, but not quite light enough to clear. I've decided I like it. I love gray days, especially to go walking around the lake. I don't know how they differ to sunny days, but I'm glad it's not sunny today..that would have been unbearable.

Everything just seems so vibrant on a day like this. You can see everything in detail, without it being overpowered by the Sun. It's like this day was given to the Earth to show off her beauty. Everything seems softer..less suffocating. I don't know how a day can be called vibrant, and less suffocating at the same time..it's a contradiction really, isn't it?..Now that I'm looking out the window, it isn't a contradiction.

I've got physio this morning..but all I want to do is curl up in a chair and read. And I've got to go and buy a set of scales I've decided..I want to keep track of how much weight I'm losing and how fast. Or perhaps it's a way to keep myself motivated. Either way *shrugs*.

20/8/2006 - Another poem about me by Poppy

There’s a fire burning inside her

But still she stays strong

They look at her as if she’s a mess

But she knows what she wants

Tired and alone

She holds her high

Hungry and beaten

She keeps her feet planted

With a childish grin

She will say she’s fine

With a tear filled eye

She will whisper help me

Tired and alone

She holds her high

Hungry and beaten

She keeps her feet planted

20/8/2006 - You won't get to see the tears I cry..

The facade is back. The inpeneterable barrier that you hated with every fibre of your being. The bright smile with it's dead, lying eyes. I thank you for reminding me why it is that I don't trust people..I'd forgotten. But you've re-awakened the facade, but allong with that comes the need for my blades. I'd forgotten what a comfort they are..

My thigh is a mess of randomly placed slashes, and they're all devoted to you. Every ounce of my blood rests at your feet.. I thought of you as it ran down my leg and pooled on the floor. I thought of how much you hate me doing that..and how ironic it is that you are now the cause.

Am I overreacting? Do you just need time? I don't know..I'd know if you weren't ignoring me..if you'd talk to me. Please, don't block me out. I've been here for you for so long, we've been through so much, don't ignore me now..when it's vital we sort through things. Oh well..this is your choice..I just hope you can live with it.     

19/8/2006 - A poem about me by Poppy

I'm wasting time

I'm wasting away

I don’t seem to mind

I just can’t seem to care

I know I couldn’t fool you

You know me better than I do

Still you don’t seem to care

You just can’t seem to care

I did it all for you

But now I do it all for me

Bones are beautiful

Beautiful as can be

I'm wasting time

I'm wasting away

I don’t seem to mind

I just can seem to care

19/8/2006 - Love is not fashionable - Poets have killed it

Why am I so Gods damned stupid? Was I not given some sort of intellegence? Is this karma?

The last week and a half have been the best in my Gods forsaken existance..but now it's shattered. Gone. Dead as last season's roses. I promised myself I'd lock my heart in a box..and keep it there until I was certain..but it seems that everything I've read about myself is true..perhaps I do wear my heart on my sleeve. Or perhaps I expected too much from a person who claimed to love me. Am I like all the others? Am I just a whore? Am I just an amusing diversion? Am I meaningless?

I fade for you, I scream for you, I bleed for you..I'd die for you.