Description
Born: 24th October 2006;
Died: 22nd December 2006;
Aged 8 weeks and 3 days old.
"Our Sweet Princess"
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Miscarriage Number 2
I had serious contractions start yesterday (4/8/07) at about midday. Nick and I had planned months agao to go away this weekend. Earlier this week we cancelled it and made arrangements for Boyd to saty at my dads house for the night and we were going to do out to the movies or something like that. At about 3pm drove to my dads house. (for those in SA dads in Greenwith, so literally 6mins away from us...) Before I even got to Spring Hill I had another "contraction" and I was in excruciating pain. Boyd fell asleep in the car and was asleep for less than 5 mins. I left him sleeping to go knock on Dads door. When someone (finally) answered I fell in the door in agony. Dad went and got Boyd from the car and got me to lay on his bed. The "contractions" were coming at about 4 mins apart. After laying on his bed for about 15 mins I went and sat on the toilet for about 20mins. I was screaming in pain.
The pandine forte had done nothing to help with the pain and I agreed to let dad call a doctor. He called the locum who said I really had to go to hospital. So Dad TOLD me I was going to hospital, put Boyd back in the car and we drove to the hospital. Parked the car and I walked into emergency and told the triage nurse what was happening. I was taken in a wheel chair straight thru to the birthing and assessment unit. They put me in a room that wasn't really set up for babies (thank God) and a midwife came to take my details. I didn't have my hand held record with me because I figured I no longer needed it, I mean I had no baby, so I stopped carrying it at all times... but silly! They needed to know who the hell I was!
Dad came and found me after checking me in and Boyd seemed really worried about me. I tried to put on a really brave face for him and he gave me a cuddle and they went to try to get hold of Nick. This was just after 4.15pm. Dad left countless messages and missed calls on Nicks phone, but he just wouldn't answer. He is really low on credit so when he pranked my phone I called him back, but I had another "contraction" hit and the nurse told him where I was. Soon after that Dad had to leave, Boyd was getting antsy and dad felt there was nothing else he could do. They were in the waiting room, as it wasn't good for Boyd to see me as I was.
I went back and sat on the toilet as I felt (a tiny) but better there. I had just been given a codeine tablet and a maxalon tablet as I was feeling very very ill. I wanted to vomit so bad! So I took the tablets and then vomited. I asked for more pain killers (I hadn't had any in over 5 hours by that stage) and was told all the docs were in an emerg c-sec and I would have to wait.
Nick arrived before 5pm. The "contractions" were now every 1 minute. I was still on the toilet. After a while I went and laid on the bed. Nick tells me I was extremely nasty to him, and he is pleased I am having babies by c-sec. I asked him "what the F*&% took you so long to F*&^ing get here" and told him to "don't F*&^ing touch me" but then would ask him to a second later. I squeezed all buggery out of his hand - at first it was the one he broke, which I said sorry for - he has arthritis in it - and then he made sure I never got that one again.
I went back to the toilet when the "contractions" were 10 seconds apart. Nick has been sick the past few weeks and the room was hot and stuffy. A couple of times he left to get some air (once I had 4 "contractions" while he was gone and was mega p*ssed at that...) just before 8pm he wanted to go get some air again. He tried to get me set up so I could stay as I was (I was on the loo but laying my head in his lap) while he was gone, but another one hit before he left my side. That was the one. All of a sudden there was a huge gush and I felt better. I looked up at him and said "its done" stood up and walked to the bed.
Nick looked in the toilet and wasn't sure if he could see the "baby" (we had a pan in there to catch the blood) he went to get air and I laid on the bed. I had put knickers back on so I had my pad there and blood and clots were gushing out. Nick had passed the nurses station and asked them to come in and see me. When they got in there they helped my put something under me to absorb the blood and I felt another push of what I though clots and out came my baby. Another push a couple of clots and then the placenta.
They put the baby and placenta in a specimen jar and I took a peek - not to closely - and laid there waiting for nick to come back. I was starving and they had brought tea in for me so I started to eat.
Nick came back and I told him what had happened. He went with the nurse to see the baby, and came back heart broken. For me its always been real. As soon as I saw 2 lines on the preg test it was real. For him it became more real when he saw the scan, but completely real as he saw out baby. Only 3-4 cms long and so perfectly formed.
He came back to sit with me and then asked the nurse if maybe he could take a photo. They went back out of the room and laid the baby on a white cloth and nick took 2 photos on his phone. They then knew for sure we had just "given birth" to a baby boy.
Not too long after that the doctor came and saw us and talked about our options. We could test or not test etc. They talked about what I needed to do (I have to go on the pill til the end of the year) to make sure I take foliate 3months before trying again and to know that all 3 losses (Ashleigh and 2 mc) are unrelated.
We decided not to have testing on our baby done as the likely hood of them finding anything was tiny. We have waiting almost 8 months to know what happened to Ashleigh and got a "we don't know" I cant do that again.
So we brought him home. I know that may sound odd to you, but I couldn't not. My mother had her "son" incarcerated with the other harmful hospital waste and I couldn't leave knowing they would dispose of him. So we are working out what to do next. We are thinking of buying a nice rose and planting him in the pot so we can take him with me as we move.
We also decided we would name him, so we are going to work that out tonight. We both had one name come to mind - but they were different!
I haven't had a close up look at him, but he is here, and if I want to I can.
Physically and emotionally I feel better now. I actually feel like I gave birth. I know that there wasn't a healthy 6pd baby at the end, but it was damn hard work and very painful. With every contraction my heart broke just that one more bit. I would never say that someone who has given birth naturally has had it easy, but I am sure that would have been easier with the endorphenes of knowing a healthy baby is at the end. Every time I contracted I knew my body was getting rid of my baby, and that really really hurt.
I feel proud that I did it. My nurse told me had the docs not been in theatre I would have been taken for a D&C as I was in so much physical and emotional pain. But if that was the case, I would still be in hospital, not home at 9.45 like I was. I wouldn't have been able to see him and bring him home and I wouldn't have the sense of pride in myself that I do.
I am so proud of Nick too. He was able to display his emotion there. That he was hurting too. That he had lost a part of him too. He now understands why I feel that attachment so early on, why it hurt so much loosing the last one.
We were sitting on the couch last night watching telly and he said to me " 2 hours ago you gave birth, and nothings changed" then he thought for a moment and said "no things have changed, we are different because of this". Its so strange knowing that I have another son. Ashleigh has a brother up there to play with.
So yesterday the 4/8/07 at 7.55pm I gave birth to a tiny still baby boy :( |
Posted: 10:07 AM, 5/8/2007 |
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With Love
Mich,
I am so sorry you have to go through all this crap. May Cayden find his way to Ashleigh in heaven.
Love Mish
xoxox |
Posted by Anonymous at 8:42 AM, 6/8/2007 |
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So sorry
I'm so sorry to hear you had another devastating loss.
I hope your body can heal so that the new year will see you looking forward to the birth of another beautiful baby. |
Posted by Anonymous at 8:00 AM, 13/8/2007 |
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| i am so sorry you had to deal with this the right thing to say is often hard to come by.. that little life taken so quickly another star in heavan..your star.. cling on to your family life goes on and in your time so will you... margie |
Posted by Anonymous at 9:34 AM, 15/8/2007 |
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thank you
| Hello. I do not know you. I did a search on google because my best friends child died in the womb 2 days before her due date. We are inducing labor tonight. I was just looking for something, anything to say to her. Your blog helped me to realize that often there is nothing but tears to say. Thank you |
Posted by karla at 12:26 PM, 23/9/2007 |
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