Description
Born: 24th October 2006;
Died: 22nd December 2006;
Aged 8 weeks and 3 days old.
"Our Sweet Princess"
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How things Change
You know, I havent had the time to get on here lately.
I have been so busy working, starting up a Tupperware business, caring for my man and lil man and being pregnant.
But as we all know my life is never that easy. At 12.5 weeks I found out that the baby had died.
Last sunday evening/early hours Monday night I woke to find I was bleeding. I went straight to the hospital because I was really scared. I had heard the baby's heart beat a week or so before and I thought I had started feeling flutters of movement, but I guess I was wrong. They sent me home reassuring me it was doubtful something was wrong and told me to get in to the Threatened Miscarriage Clinic (TMC)as soon as I could, and to try to move my scan date forward.
My scan was moved to the Monday afternoon. I went to work, and left for the scan. Nick was working and couldnt come. He asked me not to get someone else to come, and assured me things would be fine. They werent. The baby had stopped growing a week before. There was ne heart beat and nothing - just this tiny still baby.
THe next day I went for my appointment at the TMC my mum came with me this time. I asked for another scan to be sure. So the following day I went back for anther scan. This tme it was an internal scan. Nick was with me. It hit him really hard seeing a still baby in there. At that scan I started bleeding again (I hadnt bled at all since Sunday night - just brown discharge.) The bleeding hasnt stopped since then.
Yesterday I felt as if I was in labour, and I think I may have "passed" (for want of a better word) the baby yesterday in the toilet..
With all of this going on, I received a call and a letter from the State Coroners office informing me (us) that Ashleighs cause of death is "undertermined" (so it really is SIDS) I knew that this would be the case, but it doesnt make it any easier to swallow.
I feel guilty for not saving my baby girl, and for loosing 2 more babies in utro since. What am I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve tohave 3 babies taken from me over 8 months.
I miss my daughter more than I can tell anyone. Words can not describe just how much it kills me not to be holding her. I hate that i dont lilke babies anymore. That it breaks my heart to see a family with a baby girl. I hate that pregnant people upset me. I hate that I have had to tear myself from my friends because it hurts too much to hear/see about babies.
I cant go on for now. ...
xxx |
Posted: 7:55 AM, 4/8/2007 |
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