Description
Born: 24th October 2006;
Died: 22nd December 2006;
Aged 8 weeks and 3 days old.
"Our Sweet Princess"
My Links
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Moving
Just wanted to do a quick one. Saying we are moving house tomorrow.
We need a fresh start and a chance to pick up our lives again, after loosing Ashleigh and 2 x miscarriages. Every baby we have conceived in this house has died 
We arent moving far, a few suburbs away! For close friends etc an email will go out with our new home number and email address (changing providers) Mobile no stays as it is now.
Thank you to all who have taken the time to read this, and comment.
Boyd asked the other day if Ashleigh could come to his birthday party. I quickly (as we were in the car) explained she couldnt (gently) and that she had died and cant come back.
Last night, when talking to Nick about it, we talked to Boyd together about getting old and dying and going to heaven to see Ashleigh. Nick pointed up and said shes in heaven and Boyd asked if she was in the roof, so we took him outside and showed him the brightest star and told him that that is Ashleigh looking down on him making sure he is ok. Now she is a star she cant come home, but one day (when hes older than MY nana LOL) he can be a star too. He looked up and said "Hi Ashleigh" AS we were getting ready for bed he wandered downstairs and asked if he could go see Ashleighs star. I took him out and cloud had covered that star, so I found another and said to him that it was time for Ashleigh to go to sleep now and to say good night so they could both sleep. So he did, he waved and said good night, then came inside and told NIck all about Ashleigh having to go to bed now too.
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Posted: 10:59 PM, 16/8/2007 |
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Miscarriage Number 2
I had serious contractions start yesterday (4/8/07) at about midday. Nick and I had planned months agao to go away this weekend. Earlier this week we cancelled it and made arrangements for Boyd to saty at my dads house for the night and we were going to do out to the movies or something like that. At about 3pm drove to my dads house. (for those in SA dads in Greenwith, so literally 6mins away from us...) Before I even got to Spring Hill I had another "contraction" and I was in excruciating pain. Boyd fell asleep in the car and was asleep for less than 5 mins. I left him sleeping to go knock on Dads door. When someone (finally) answered I fell in the door in agony. Dad went and got Boyd from the car and got me to lay on his bed. The "contractions" were coming at about 4 mins apart. After laying on his bed for about 15 mins I went and sat on the toilet for about 20mins. I was screaming in pain.
The pandine forte had done nothing to help with the pain and I agreed to let dad call a doctor. He called the locum who said I really had to go to hospital. So Dad TOLD me I was going to hospital, put Boyd back in the car and we drove to the hospital. Parked the car and I walked into emergency and told the triage nurse what was happening. I was taken in a wheel chair straight thru to the birthing and assessment unit. They put me in a room that wasn't really set up for babies (thank God) and a midwife came to take my details. I didn't have my hand held record with me because I figured I no longer needed it, I mean I had no baby, so I stopped carrying it at all times... but silly! They needed to know who the hell I was!
Dad came and found me after checking me in and Boyd seemed really worried about me. I tried to put on a really brave face for him and he gave me a cuddle and they went to try to get hold of Nick. This was just after 4.15pm. Dad left countless messages and missed calls on Nicks phone, but he just wouldn't answer. He is really low on credit so when he pranked my phone I called him back, but I had another "contraction" hit and the nurse told him where I was. Soon after that Dad had to leave, Boyd was getting antsy and dad felt there was nothing else he could do. They were in the waiting room, as it wasn't good for Boyd to see me as I was.
I went back and sat on the toilet as I felt (a tiny) but better there. I had just been given a codeine tablet and a maxalon tablet as I was feeling very very ill. I wanted to vomit so bad! So I took the tablets and then vomited. I asked for more pain killers (I hadn't had any in over 5 hours by that stage) and was told all the docs were in an emerg c-sec and I would have to wait.
Nick arrived before 5pm. The "contractions" were now every 1 minute. I was still on the toilet. After a while I went and laid on the bed. Nick tells me I was extremely nasty to him, and he is pleased I am having babies by c-sec. I asked him "what the F*&% took you so long to F*&^ing get here" and told him to "don't F*&^ing touch me" but then would ask him to a second later. I squeezed all buggery out of his hand - at first it was the one he broke, which I said sorry for - he has arthritis in it - and then he made sure I never got that one again.
I went back to the toilet when the "contractions" were 10 seconds apart. Nick has been sick the past few weeks and the room was hot and stuffy. A couple of times he left to get some air (once I had 4 "contractions" while he was gone and was mega p*ssed at that...) just before 8pm he wanted to go get some air again. He tried to get me set up so I could stay as I was (I was on the loo but laying my head in his lap) while he was gone, but another one hit before he left my side. That was the one. All of a sudden there was a huge gush and I felt better. I looked up at him and said "its done" stood up and walked to the bed.
Nick looked in the toilet and wasn't sure if he could see the "baby" (we had a pan in there to catch the blood) he went to get air and I laid on the bed. I had put knickers back on so I had my pad there and blood and clots were gushing out. Nick had passed the nurses station and asked them to come in and see me. When they got in there they helped my put something under me to absorb the blood and I felt another push of what I though clots and out came my baby. Another push a couple of clots and then the placenta.
They put the baby and placenta in a specimen jar and I took a peek - not to closely - and laid there waiting for nick to come back. I was starving and they had brought tea in for me so I started to eat.
Nick came back and I told him what had happened. He went with the nurse to see the baby, and came back heart broken. For me its always been real. As soon as I saw 2 lines on the preg test it was real. For him it became more real when he saw the scan, but completely real as he saw out baby. Only 3-4 cms long and so perfectly formed.
He came back to sit with me and then asked the nurse if maybe he could take a photo. They went back out of the room and laid the baby on a white cloth and nick took 2 photos on his phone. They then knew for sure we had just "given birth" to a baby boy.
Not too long after that the doctor came and saw us and talked about our options. We could test or not test etc. They talked about what I needed to do (I have to go on the pill til the end of the year) to make sure I take foliate 3months before trying again and to know that all 3 losses (Ashleigh and 2 mc) are unrelated.
We decided not to have testing on our baby done as the likely hood of them finding anything was tiny. We have waiting almost 8 months to know what happened to Ashleigh and got a "we don't know" I cant do that again.
So we brought him home. I know that may sound odd to you, but I couldn't not. My mother had her "son" incarcerated with the other harmful hospital waste and I couldn't leave knowing they would dispose of him. So we are working out what to do next. We are thinking of buying a nice rose and planting him in the pot so we can take him with me as we move.
We also decided we would name him, so we are going to work that out tonight. We both had one name come to mind - but they were different!
I haven't had a close up look at him, but he is here, and if I want to I can.
Physically and emotionally I feel better now. I actually feel like I gave birth. I know that there wasn't a healthy 6pd baby at the end, but it was damn hard work and very painful. With every contraction my heart broke just that one more bit. I would never say that someone who has given birth naturally has had it easy, but I am sure that would have been easier with the endorphenes of knowing a healthy baby is at the end. Every time I contracted I knew my body was getting rid of my baby, and that really really hurt.
I feel proud that I did it. My nurse told me had the docs not been in theatre I would have been taken for a D&C as I was in so much physical and emotional pain. But if that was the case, I would still be in hospital, not home at 9.45 like I was. I wouldn't have been able to see him and bring him home and I wouldn't have the sense of pride in myself that I do.
I am so proud of Nick too. He was able to display his emotion there. That he was hurting too. That he had lost a part of him too. He now understands why I feel that attachment so early on, why it hurt so much loosing the last one.
We were sitting on the couch last night watching telly and he said to me " 2 hours ago you gave birth, and nothings changed" then he thought for a moment and said "no things have changed, we are different because of this". Its so strange knowing that I have another son. Ashleigh has a brother up there to play with.
So yesterday the 4/8/07 at 7.55pm I gave birth to a tiny still baby boy :( |
Posted: 10:07 AM, 5/8/2007 |
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How things Change
You know, I havent had the time to get on here lately.
I have been so busy working, starting up a Tupperware business, caring for my man and lil man and being pregnant.
But as we all know my life is never that easy. At 12.5 weeks I found out that the baby had died.
Last sunday evening/early hours Monday night I woke to find I was bleeding. I went straight to the hospital because I was really scared. I had heard the baby's heart beat a week or so before and I thought I had started feeling flutters of movement, but I guess I was wrong. They sent me home reassuring me it was doubtful something was wrong and told me to get in to the Threatened Miscarriage Clinic (TMC)as soon as I could, and to try to move my scan date forward.
My scan was moved to the Monday afternoon. I went to work, and left for the scan. Nick was working and couldnt come. He asked me not to get someone else to come, and assured me things would be fine. They werent. The baby had stopped growing a week before. There was ne heart beat and nothing - just this tiny still baby.
THe next day I went for my appointment at the TMC my mum came with me this time. I asked for another scan to be sure. So the following day I went back for anther scan. This tme it was an internal scan. Nick was with me. It hit him really hard seeing a still baby in there. At that scan I started bleeding again (I hadnt bled at all since Sunday night - just brown discharge.) The bleeding hasnt stopped since then.
Yesterday I felt as if I was in labour, and I think I may have "passed" (for want of a better word) the baby yesterday in the toilet..
With all of this going on, I received a call and a letter from the State Coroners office informing me (us) that Ashleighs cause of death is "undertermined" (so it really is SIDS) I knew that this would be the case, but it doesnt make it any easier to swallow.
I feel guilty for not saving my baby girl, and for loosing 2 more babies in utro since. What am I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve tohave 3 babies taken from me over 8 months.
I miss my daughter more than I can tell anyone. Words can not describe just how much it kills me not to be holding her. I hate that i dont lilke babies anymore. That it breaks my heart to see a family with a baby girl. I hate that pregnant people upset me. I hate that I have had to tear myself from my friends because it hurts too much to hear/see about babies.
I cant go on for now. ...
xxx |
Posted: 7:55 AM, 4/8/2007 |
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6 Months On....
Yes, its now been six whole months since we lost our baby girl.
You know in some respects it feels like just last week, yet in others a whole lifetime ago.
I have started doing some temping work, try to take some money pressure off of Nick.. Since Ashleigh died things have just gone down hill with Nick, Money and Work. I really feel sorry for him, he is working so hard and just not getting anywhere.
There really isnt too much else for me to talk about at the moment. Yes, I miss Ashleigh every day. I think about her everyday and I cry for her at least once a week.
I recieved a beautful gift in the mail this week that brought me to tears. My friends are wonderful people, none of whom will ever forget her and the impact her death had on their lives.
I wish I could pop more here, I wish I felt free to pour everything out here, but for now I dont. Just know i am ok. I am surviving, and I am working hard at moving forward and continuing my life with Nick and Boyd.
xxx |
Posted: 6:44 PM, 22/6/2007 |
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Red Nose Day
Red Nose Day is the major fundraising event for SIDS and kids. Proceeds go to help support bereved families and research in to what causes seemingly healthy babies to just die.
I am appealing to all who can to support Red Nose day and buy merchanidise in participating reatialers from June 1st (tomorrow) til Fri June 29. The more money raised the closer to getting an answer.
More details can be found on the Red Nose Day Website and also the SIDS and Kids Website
Please let me know thru a comment, or if you know me - email me, when you have bought yours.
xxx |
Posted: 10:57 PM, 31/5/2007 |
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Mothers Day
Yesterday was Mothers Day. I was dreading it all week. I am beginnig to learn that the lead up to these days is far worse than the days themselves.
On Saturday afternoon my Mum came over for a casual visit, it wasnt planned or anything, I wasn't sure when I would get to see her - it was really nice though, and my brother popped in too.
That night Nicks parents came round for dessert/coffee and a chat. They stayed a few hours too and it was nice.
Yesterday we didnt get anything uch done in the morning. - Nick washed my car thouroughly - which was nice, pity its already been rained on! And then we went up to Gumeracha and The Toy Factory for lunch and climb the horse. Boyd had a blast. I was given a card made at childcare, a card from Boyd and Ashleigh and a card from Nick. I asked not to have any pressies, just to have lunch and buy Boyd something nice from The Toy Factory , which we did - hes thrilled with his new tool box 
Last night we lazed around. It was an over all ok day. I didnt get really upset until I was laying in bed after midnight and started to think how different the day would have been if Ashleigh was still here, and how much I really do miss her.
Its such a hard thing to get your head around, that these days no longer have the total joy to them that they used to. Its an awfully bittersweet time, to celebrate motherhood when one of your children are no longer here. I know the years will make it easier, but for now, today, its hard.
Just wanted to update you all on how the day went...
xxx |
Posted: 11:50 AM, 14/5/2007 |
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Counselling
I had my first counselling session on the 3rd May. It was a horrid experience and I hope that I never have to talk that woman again about how I am.
I wrote a letter of complaint to her boss and to the national office. I am appauled that I was made to feel as if my co-sleeping with Ashleigh in anyway was a factor in her death.
I did nothing but love my baby - and do what I needed to do to get through each day. I made an informed choice to sleep with my child, and I would do it again. BECAUSE i know it wasnt a factor in her death.
Nick and I have talked again about me falling pregnant again - we are both happy for it to happen any time from now, at least then I will be due a month or more after the one year anniversary of Ashleighs death.
I miss my daughter - I miss her everyday. Every mother and daughter I see makes me miss her more and more.
xxx |
Posted: 7:34 PM, 6/5/2007 |
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Dreaming....
I dreamt it wasnt you who died. I dreamt that you were switched the day before, accidentally, by another mother at the CCC.
I am not sure how it was realised but I got a call and when I saw you I was so happy.
I saw you as you would be now. A 6 month old baby, You laughed, you smiled. You laid on your stomach and tried to get on all fours.
I realised I needed all these clothes for you, as I only have such tiny ones. And I realised I could have your dedication day - and it would be soon, I didnt want to waste another day. Every day would be so precious. I had lost you once, never again.
I started to feed you again (its a dream, no relactaion nessicary) and I was just sooooo pleased to see you. I wanted to shout it off the roof tops - shes home, my baby is home.
I can remember your face from this dream, you were older than when I last saw you. Compared to that last pic I saw of you, you had grown, matured.
I was worried that your "other mum" hadnt looked after you as I would have. I was going to get you to the doc and go thru your Blue book to make sure vaccinations had happened. I remember thinking I need to check you were getting breastmilk. I needed to make sure nothing bad was transferred to you.
When I woke I was upset, I was upset you were gone again, I wanted so much for it to be real - for you to be back.
I was, however, so happy to see you. I was sooo happy to see you. To know you are ok, that you are still maturing.
I love you, and it was amazing to hear you laugh.
xx
Mummy |
Posted: 7:28 PM, 5/5/2007 |
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Four Months
I remember this day 4 months ago. You were here, you were with me, and it was a nice day. Poor Boyd got his immunisation, you had a snuffle - but we were together.
I am having such a bad moment right now. I feel so much guilt. and logically i know its not myfault, but as your mummy I should have saved you. I shouldnt have gone to sleep that night. I should have been there to save you, I just would give anything for it to be the 21/12 now, not the 21/4 - that day was so wonderful - and I would make sure I didnt sleep. I would make sure that you were ok, and at the first sign I would have called 000 - I just miss you and I want you back so badly.
I looked at your clothes, at the dress I loved you in the most - its so tiny, and you looked so beautiful in it. You were going to grow into the most adorable woman.
I hate this, I hate that I miss you so much. I shouldnt need to miss you. You should be here. I just want you - I would swap almost anything to have you back.
I am home alone, Daddy is working, Boyd is at Poppys house, and I shouldnt be alone. You should be here. Your crib shouldnt be empty (actually it shoud, but I should have a cot here too). I shouldnt still have) 0000 clothes in the drawers. You would be at least 000 now - you were such a tiny little girl.
Being alone is when it hits the most. I seem to break down when I am alone, I guess thats why I try not to be.
I looked at photos of Boyds birth the other day, you were more alike than I saw when you were alive. You and Boyd were most def siblings. So many pictures now I see you in him.
Please know I never wanted this. I want you here and If there was ANYTHING i could have done, I would have - if I had known.
I love you so much and it hurts everyday
xoxo |
Posted: 11:51 AM, 21/4/2007 |
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Life Keeps On
I dont have much time, life has gotten hectic. But I wanted to come on here and have a chance to tell people how things are going.
As I said I was going back to work one day a week. That has since turned into almost full time work when another job offer came up. That has kept me really busy, and missing Boyd alot. Financially though it has been needed.
I fell pregnant in early March, which was just so exciting - until I started to bleed a lot and found out my HCG levels had dropped so low that there was no chance that there was a baby. I was about 6 weeks when this happened.
Nick and I are shattered. For me it has opened up a lot of "old" wounds. I have been pregnant 3 times now and only have one child here with me to hug and kiss. I hope that the next pregnancy sticks and is uneventful.... as I am sure all mothers do.
There isnt too much more to say at the moment really. Just wanted to add those notes in. I have been having moments lately where I remember very vivedly that morning I found her gone. The way she look, felt, smelt. God I miss her so much. I look at her things and at photos of her and it really hurts. It hurts to see other little baby girls and think what I should have right now. Where I am meant to be at in my life.
To the author of the last comment from my last entry - if you read this, thank you. That day was one of the hardest I have had in a while. It was also the day I found out I was preg to the baby I just lost. I am sorry that I was unable to actually talk to you - but I am jealous of what you have. I want my baby girl, and to be completley honest I was upset that there was another baby in Ashleighs home. I hope that you in no way felt turned away, and I hope when I am able to attend another meeting that I will get to meet you properly.
xoxo
M
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Posted: 7:51 PM, 4/4/2007 |
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Working
Well, I have bitten the bullet. On Tuesday I will be going back to work. Only the one day a week, and it still feels wrong.
I am not meant to be able to work! I am meant to have a 4m old baby who needs her Mum 24/7.
I know that Tuesday will be a day full of emotion and pain. I am sure I will cry when I drop Boyd at child care, and then when I pick him up.
I know one day is really nothing. But I am not even meant to be doing that. We are meant to be ok, life is meant to be normal. Im not meant to be one of "those" people. The ones with the dead babies.
Boyds yelling for me.... ...
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Posted: 4:04 PM, 25/2/2007 |
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Its Been TOO Long
Yesterday was 8 weeks since Ashleigh left our world. Eight whole weeks since our universe was turned upside down and shaken til we couldnt take it anymore.
I wished for nothing more than her to come home, I wish for nothing more. I understand it is impossible, but that is all I want.
I want to have another baby, but yesterday - of all days - became cycle day one. 8 weeks after she left, and 5 weeks after the last. I had hoped that she had sent me another one, something positive to put to this year. 2007 has not been a good year. I know she didnt die in 2007 but her funeral was in 2007 and so far nothing good has happened. We have had nothing but bad luck.
2006 was Ashleigh's year. She was conceived, born and died. I hate that. I hate that I have to say that my baby is DEAD. What a horrible rotten word. Why cant it be softer, why cant it be easier to say and to think.
I cant keep feeling so blue every day. I cant keep feeling like someone has hit me in the stomach and run me over with a car. Its not good for me, for Nick or for Boyd. I just miss my angel more than anything. I wish I had said good bye, I wish that I wasnt sleeping and had gotten to her sooner. I feel like this is all my fault, and every time I try to say that to anyone they dismiss it - they never just let me say what I want to say, they tell me no its not and crap like that. Its how I feel. You cant tell me that I feel wrongly. I feel guilt, and I feel like I should have stopped it. I am her Mother and I couldnt protect her.
This stuff is so hard to write - I might have to continue another day.
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Posted: 11:15 AM, 17/2/2007 |
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Its late
Its late at night. I cant sleep. Im not sure why - I dont know if its because of all this, or if I just cant.
Have been thinking a lot about you lately. The past couple of days, boyd has talked about you a lot. Your Daddy and I are talking about trying to have another baby. When do you think that will be? Soon? I feel its something I need. I feel that it will help me get through this.
I miss you each day. There are days where I dont want to do anything. I just miss you too much. Then there are days where I can do things, where I am able to function properly.
I feel that maybe Boyd is missing out on me at the moment. Maybe I am not there for him enough. I need a fair bit of space, I am not playing with him like I used to. I need to set up specific time where him and I play. I dont want his childhood memories of me to be either on the computer, watching tv or crying. I want him to remember playing.
I am starting to get tired now, and I think Boyd will wake soon and want to cuddle up with Mumma.
I love you princess. I love you every day - with all I have. I hope you are safe and happy.
xoxo
Mummy
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Posted: 1:25 AM, 6/2/2007 |
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The Viewing
On Thursday the 11th January we got the call we had been waiting for. Ashleighs body had been released and we were free to make her funeral arrangments. It had been 3.5 weeks since she had passed away and we had been waiting for the coroner to finish tests that they were performing and to put everything back where it came from so we could have Ashleigh whole for the funeral.
We were given this option, and although it made the wait longer, it helped us to know that this would be the case, and gave us time to plan a proper funeral. Later that day we went to the funeral home and made the final arrangments
The following day the funeral notice was put into the paper stating that the funeral would be held on Tuesday the 16th January at 2.00pm
We also planned for a viewing to be held the day before at 4.30. This was for close family and friends only. There was just Nick and I, our parents, Boyds Godparents, my Brother and Sisters and Nicks "aunt and uncle" (not blood, but like it). It was a small affair. We had dropped Boyd off at Yvonnes for a play on the way and we got there just after 4pm. My sister and her boyfriend were already there (unusual for them to be early, we were surprised) we went in and Nick and I went in to see her first, alone. She looked beautiful. We had had a hard time working out what she was to wear that day, but we ended up deciding on a pink dress (see picture - this was taken when she was about 3-4 weeks; we didnt take any pictures of her at the funeral home...which we now regret)  she also wore a Bright Pink Baby beehinds Bamboo MCN. (I had just stopped using huggies on her at all the week before. She was finally a fully clothed up little girl. I had to make sure she was wearing a cloth nappy for her funeral as thats who she was. It was another tough choice, but I chose one she had two of. So I always have the other one and I didnt loose a very special one)
They had done a wonderful job making sure shee looked at she had. Even to the point that she still had her gunkey eye. She had had that since she was about 2 days old, adn it just never cleared up. No matter how often I put breast milk in there I couldnt get it to clear. Nick and I both noticed it was there and were pleased they hadnt cleared it off. It was apart of her.
We went in with our respective parents and friends. When the last of them left we went back in and talked to her together. It wasnt as hard as I thought it would be leaving her that day, I guess because we knew we wuold go back the next day. But still it was hard. I just wanted to scoop her up and take her home. My mind played tricks on me too - there were a couple of times I could have sworn I saw her breathing. I know that it isnt possible, but I honestly thought I saw it.
When we left we talked about her the whole way to picking Boyd up. How beautiful she was and how much we just wanted to bring her home.
That was the viewing. I cant write about the funeral now. It has taken too much out of me writting just this out. So I will leave it at that for now.
xoxo
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Posted: 6:56 PM, 30/1/2007 |
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How I Feel Today
Today is the 24th January 2007. You were meant to be 3 months old today. I am sure you woul dhave been holding your head up by now. And smiling more and more.
Every day I miss you - but then when days like today happen it hurts more.
I wish we knew what had happened to you - I wish I knew why you were taken from me.
My angel - my princess.
Your big brother still talks about you. When he sees a photo of you he gets so excited. I wish I could give you back to him to hold just once more. I am glad that I had the presence of mind to make sure he kissed you good bye that day. That means a lot to me, because when he gets older he will ask if he got to say good bye.
I am not sure I can continue writting this right now. I am getting too upset - I keep thinking about what should have been. What you would have turned into - my beautiful Angel.
I love you forever and ever and ever - with every bone in my body and every ounce of my soul
xoxo
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Posted: 7:45 AM, 24/1/2007 |
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The Story
I guess I had better start this from the beginning...It was the 4th of March 2006. I did the HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) and within 20 seconds it was positive. I didnt actually need to test to tell me though, I already knew.
It was a bit of a shock. We were trying, to a point, but had decided about a week before that perhaps we should leave it a few months and I go back to work for a while. This changed those plans and we decided I would do temp work for 3-6 months.
My due date was confirmed to be the 10th November 2006. I was so excited. The scans all went well and at the 20 week scan we were told we were expecting a baby girl. I was over the moon. I dont quite know what it is about having a daughter, but it was something I really wanted to experience.
The only problem I had through the pregnacy was quite late on (after 33 weeks) it was thought perhaps the baby was small. I had another scan and no, she was almost right on the money for dates.
My c-section was booked for the 2nd November and things were good. Then, my due date changed (I think it was an error on the doctors part) and I worried about the baby coming too early for the c-section. Nicks mum was booked to have a major surgery on the same date also, so we decided to bring the c-section forward by a week and a half. Ashleigh was born on the 24th October 2006, weighing a healthy 6lb 13oz. She as perfect in every way.
After a smooth pregnancy and delivery I was thrilled to find I had a very happy and content perfect angel.
In reality, I know that life had ups and downs over the next few weeks. However, as I look back I only see happy times. It was an adjustment getting used to having 2 kidlets, but we wouldnt have traded it for anything. 
After that we did some more Christmas shopping. It was a rainy day - quite warm, but rainy. That night we had tea, and a friend came around to meet Ashleigh and to see us.  Boyd went to bed as normal. He was at that stage starting the night in his "choo choo" bed and coming into our bed later on. At about 10.45 that said friend thought she had better go. We got ready for bed. As Ashleigh wasnt well, I fed her and laid her next to me in the bed. It was about midnight once all that had happend. Im not sure what the time was, but I beleive it was about 1am when Boyd wandered in. He (for some strange reason) wanted to be next to me. So, I moved Ashleigh to between Nick and I and Boyd climbed in. I am almost 100% certain that she was fine at that stage. I picked her up and slid her over me, I am sure I would have noticed if something was wrong. I laid her on top of the quilt and she was wearing a nappy and a singlet as she was still a bit on the warm side.
It took about 10 mins for the ambualnce to get here. Until they specifically said to me stop we are taking over I kept going. They pronounced her dead at 5.18am on the 22nd December 2006.  I can tell you now, that date will haunt me until the day I die.
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Posted: 8:33 PM, 22/1/2007 |
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