I have just come back from an interstate trip where I had the most devestating experience I have ever had.  I had to bury my little brother.  He was 2 years younger than me and had a motorbike accident. 

Initiall, worst case senario was a life in a wheelchair.  We (as a family) were just getting used to this idea when things got worse and he developed a fever that the doctors couldn't control.  It went up to 43 degrees ( a record for the spinal unit) and they packed him in ice to help bring it down.

This took a while to work and by the time it came down, his liver and brain had been damaged.  An MRI showed that his brain was so damaged, he would probably not survive.

I got there only hours before he passed away and was able to tell him I loved him and to thank him for the priveledge of being his sister for more than 30 years.

It is hard to describe what I felt and even harder to find anyone else to understand.  It isn't common to lose a sibling in the prime of their life and to be left an only child for the rest of yours.

I can only imagine how my parents must feel.

We donated his organs as per his wishes, and at least my little brother will live on in a number of other people.  Even in death, he was a miracle maker.

I will never forget him. xx

Pregnancy.... a time in life where women glow!!  Apparently I missed the manual on this part of my life.  Maybe I was asleep in class!!

My first pregnancy came as a shock. I had just moved states to be with a guy I had been having a long distance relationship with for the previous 18 months.  I knew only him, had no job and was leaving this amazing, fun life in the city, as well as all my friends and family.

Well I got there, got a job and we got engaged.  Planned the wedding for the following year and celebrated.  Then a couple of weeks later, I was late.  Yep, in my mid 20's and for the first time ever, my period was late.  Shit.

A workmate convinced me to buy a test, so I did.  But I was too scared to do it for a few days.  The weekend came and I thought... now's the time.  So I pee-d on the stick and we waited. And waited. That 2 minutes seemed like 2 days.  What if it was positive? How would we both feel. 

Well, we found out didn't we...'cos it was positive.  OMG!! Needless to say, we had to bring the wedding date forward and we had to get used to the fact that we were about to be parents.

All was going fine until I was 7 weeks into the pregnancy.  Morning sickness...what sort of bullshit is that.  It was morning, noon & night sickness and it was woeful.  If I got up to pee during the night, I'd vomit.  I could not eat anything and felt nauseous 24 hours a day.

The aversions I had were to raw chicken (fairly common I'm told) and coffee, cigarette smoke (lucky I didn't smoke), car exhaust and toothpaste.  Yep, toothpaste.  If my partner brushed his teeth, I couldn't kiss him or let him breathe near me. 

I tried every nausea relief potion ever made. Ginger, herbs, ginger, seasickness bands, acupuncture, ginger.  None of them worked through any of my 4 pregnancies.  I reckon it's a revenue raiser for the companies that make them. 

Eventually the morning sickness wore off after about 11 never-ending weeks and I started to feel good.  But then no sooner does this happen than you get fat and uncomfortable.  I couldn't see my feet let alone reach them to put on shoes, without looking like a whale doing yoga.  Luckily I never got the varicose veins (until 3 weeks from the end of my 4th pregnancy), or the haemorrhoids, or the constipation or the hairy tummy.  But I think I paid more than my dues with the morning sickness.

My back ached and I had this bubble on my tummy that looked like I'd shoved a ball up my top.  I couldn't sleep on my back (uncomfortable) or my tummy (for obvious reasons) so I flipped from side to side waking my partner up everytime.  I wallowed in a cold bath 'cos it was so hot but I couldn't get out. 

Each pregnancy was very similar and I had no idea each time what the sex of the baby was.  I decided that if I had to go through labour, I wanted a surprise at the end.

So pregnancy was not the glowing, happy, healthy time everyone told me it would be.  But I will tell you more about that next time.

Yep, so we decide no more after 3 babies in 2.5 years.  But... the third one was an angel.. You know how babies are supposed to be.  They eat, poo, wee, sleep, eat, poo and so on.  Well, for the first time, I experienced this.  And wow... I liked it.  So when she was 11 months old, my husband sneezed and bingo.. pregnant again. 

 Everyone asked had we planned it?  Well yes, this is the only one we planned.  Everyone asked did we know what caused it yet? Yes, we don't have cable tv... nothing else to do.

We had 2 girls and a boy in the middle and we didn't care what this one was as long as it was healthy.  But I think we both sneakily wanted another boy to even things out.

So the weeks passed and I got fat and uncomfortable.  Finally, it was time.  I had an audience but I wil tell you all about that when I do the labour blog later.  Anyway, the baby was born and it was a BOY!!

Yep now 2 of each.  Aren't we clever, everyone said.  Actually, no, we're not.  It just happened that way.  No control over it what-so-ever.

That was our family complete... finally!  I will tell you all the gory details about the pregnancies next time....

Yep... so then I was pregnant with number 3.  Number's one & two were still babies (5.5 months and 20 months) and I find out about the third.  This is it.   Three kids in two and a half years... I am never having any more.  No way! 

We waited the whole pregnancy to find out the sex of the baby.  It didn't really matter because we had our 'pigeon pair' anyway.  You have no idea how many people said that we could stop having babies after our second because we had 'one of each'.  What's with that anyway.  The great 'Aussie Dream'?  Own a house and 2.5 kids.  A boy and a girl.  What is the .5?  How does that work?

Well another question I got sick of was "Do you know what you're having?"  I got to the stage that I answered   "Well I was hoping for a litter of puppies, but I'm told it's a baby."  Really, what else would I be having??

Anyway, she was born..yep a 'she'.  My husband guessed it was a girl because she was coming and then she wasn't, then she was.  He thought she must be doing her hair and makeup and deciding what she was going to wear... then changing her mind!!  Well, he was right.  it was a girl.

Then number four....

So after I had my first baby (hours of agony), I went back for a second shot.  This time I had the same morning (all day and night) sickness, the same ball on my front and the same aching back.  But this time the labour was quicker and I had a different flavour... a boy!

Alas, he also hadn't read the "What babies are suposed to do" manual because he didn't sleep during the day either.  So now I had 2 babies who didn't sleep a wink during the day and expected me not to either.  They were close in age (16 months apart) so at least the older one was close enough to the ground to keep the younger one amused for short bursts of time.

Still no time for me and as none of my other fwb's were silly enough to go back for seconds so quickly, they were all still enjoying their single offspring and I still felt the same as before... It wasn't all roses for me.

Then came number three....

I am a mum of 4 kids. Yes, we meant to have the 4th (it's the only one we planned, the others surprised us).  I don't know why, but I find women lie to each other about how great it is.  And some bits are great, don't get me wrong, but there are lots of bits that suck.

Like the lack of sleep and school holidays!  When I had my 1st baby, I was so in love with her... but I didn't like her much.  She cracked my nipples, she didn't sleep during the day AT ALL, and she screamed at me until she went blue. She took up all my time and I couldn't do all the spontaneous, fun things I used to do.  She pooped, she threw up and she ate.  Tell me, what about this is fun again??

But my friends with babies (fwb's) all coo-ed and gaa-ed and gushed when they talked about their babies.  I sometimes did too, but mostly, I just shut my mouth for fear of my truth coming out and everyone thinking I was a 'bad' mother.

I had times where I put her in the cot, shut the door and went outside to scream and calm down.  Now this kid was demanding... every second I wasn't amusing her, she screamed.  I must have stunk, cos some mornings, I couldn't even get a shower.  Yet all my fwb's looked fresh as daisies when ever we met for 'coffee'.  Now don't get me stared on that... How I longed for a HOT cup of coffee.

But, a sucker for punishment, I went back there 3 more times! What was I thinking?  Oh, that's right, I wasn't... It was the hormones. I will tell you about them next time.....