After taking a shot at A Current Affair for their psychic story, I thought I'd balance the ledger by ripping into their competition, Today Tonight. About a month ago, they did some advertising for some guy who's an expert in Feng Shui (English translation: fraudulant bullshit). Their rationalisation for showing this 'current affairs' segment was that many people now buy houses according to their Feng Shui (FS) compatibility. Obviously, if you're selling your house, you should be made aware of this so you can prepare for inspection day (purchase large blunt instruments, guns, build a moat etc).

The segment consisted of stories from some vacuous morons who became FS converts, interspersed with some explanations and advice from the FS 'expert' they were doing the advertisement for. One couple was particularly amusing. The FS guy had convinced them that there was much negative energy** (see below) associated with their front entrance. He convinced them to get a new gate installed in their giant rendered brick fence so they could come in the back door. They then had to completely rearrange their garden and build a new path to the door (as well as install a water feature, which is vitally important). They now walk all the way round to the back of the house every time they come inside, the idiots. These people believe that FS works because, since these pointless changes were made, their lives have greatly improved. This is the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy in action (Roughly: it happened after this, so it was caused by this). This is the same as a serial killer saying: 'It happened after I ate a chicken sandwich for lunch. Therefore, it was obviously the chicken sandwich that caused me to kill all those people.' Dipshits.

If I was that FS guy, I'd be tempted to see how much I could get away with, and maybe set up some kind of kickback scheme with a local builder. For example, (turn on dodgy asian accent) 'oh, no, this house all wrong. All doors have negative energy/bad spirits/evil woo woo. Need build steps up to roof and come in house through elevator. I know builder. He do good job. Very cheap.' You'd make a bloody fortune. Of course, having a conscience might be a drawback to this plan.

FS loon then explained that FS is real because it's been around for a couple of thousand years. That's me convinced. People have believed in gods for a lot longer than that, but for some reason the pesky buggers still refuse to exist. Or, more likely, they couldn't be bothered existing, the slack bastards. The story ended with FS guy putting down the toilet seat, and explaining (with a shit eating grin) that negative energy can escape if the toilet seat is left up. If he'd said negative smells, I might have agreed with him. The obvious question is this: how the fuck do you know that negative energy is associated with the toilet seat left up? How do you know that the opposite is not true? The answer, as those with even rudimentary cognitive activity should know, is that they don't. It's all a giant bunch of made up bullshit with not a shred of evidence behind it at all.

How to prepare for a Feng Shui compatible Open Inspection.

Step 1: Get yourself a hammer.

Step 2: Hit yourself in the head, hard (Yes, with the hammer. Do I have to explain everything?).

Step 3: Repeat step 2 until your brain activity is reduced to the level of the average FS believer. This is a difficult balance to strike, so try not to kill yourself. You're trying for that blurry concussed point just before you pass out. If you do knock yourself out, just wait until you wake up and try again. Don't give up, you'll get there! Also, don't worry too much if you get blood all over the carpet. Blood is very natural, so it definitely adds to the positive energy/spirits side of the ledger. Now that you are in the correct intellectual frame of mind, we can begin making changes.

Step 4: Rearrange your furniture in a random fashion. Don't worry too much about function, we're more interested in form here. FS experts can never agree on what the rules are, so we're going for the average positioning of all FS advice combined. Chairs, anywhere. Tables, anywhere. FS believers will be very impressed with the natural, chaotic nature of your house and they'll pay more to buy it. That's the aim here people. TV's should face the wall, because many evil spirits come from technology. Make sure you bring some plants in from outside as well, so their natural positive energy counteracts all the evil technology.

Step 5: Very important step this one. Turn on all the taps in the house. This is one of the few areas that FS experts all agree on. Flowing water is a massive positive energy thingy, so get those taps flowing. Fuck the water shortage and government imposed restrictions, this is about getting more money for your house. Remember, the person who dies with the most money, the biggest house and the most useless shit wins! You want that to be you, don't you? Of course you do, so screw everyone else and their selfish drinking water needs.

Step 6: Open for inspection. I'd stay away. You don't want to be fighting a strong impulse to kill FS people who might bid high for your house.

Step 7: Watch the price go through the roof at auction when masses of moronic creduloids rock up and place bids, mightily impressed by how Feng Shui-ey your house is.

The question you should be asking now is: If these people are so stunningly stupid that they believe in Feng Shui, how the hell do they get enough money to buy houses? It's a real puzzler.

**Important Note: Anyone who talks about energy in a non scientific sense is full of shit and, quite probably, retarded. And no, there are no exceptions. You get this kind of crap with new agers, alternative medicine practitioners and other mystical morons. So, if someone says something to you like 'it promotes positive energy', just hit them with a shovel. Talking to them is a waste of time.