1/7/2009 - Kevin McKidd

1/4/2009 -

30/3/2009 -

I am really tired but nowhere near as stressed as I have been.  I am even allowing myself a touch of excitement.  The house is looking magnificent.  The floorboards had their last coat of polish this morning.  Wow, they are spectacular.  

We were there last ngiht with the kids and my brother visiting from Perth and daughters boyfriend.  They were stunned by the lights...those beautiful Mooi Random lights.   They are such a feature hanging from that huge void in different lengths in a cluster of 3.  They look like they are floating.  Prospective son in law told me they are great...impressive. 

Hubby did the huge undercover patio area on the weekend in polished concrete.  Even that makes the place less of a construction site and more of a house.

The pool tiles arrived early this afternoon tho we cant start the pool yet until the glass gates are in  cos we cant fill the pool unitl they are ( it will crack if water is not in soon after tiling) and even tho it is an indoor pool because we have bifold doors opening from the pool room on one side technically it is an outdoor pool as well and so we need the gates as well.  Oh, there is always something....but I am feeling hopeful instead of overwhelmed.  Finally....gosh it has been such a long time....but it is nearly over.  Praise be to God!

27/3/2009 -

21/3/2009 -

17/1/2009 - glass glass glass

I am so excited! The glass wall on the mezzanine floor is going in today..well to be precise the aluminium frame is going in. Soon the glass will go in as well. It will look spectacular! It will look very similar to this design below overlooking the dining and family room and into the indoor pool area.  Very slick and yet functional....it will serve as a divider and yet won't obstruct the feel of the double void height visually.  FINALLY..there is an end.   I am so tired of this very ambitious project...I just want to live there!

15/1/2009 - I am so tired.

Another year older today. Not that I care much. Just another day. I don't feel like celebrating at all....I only feel tired.  I am so exhausted presently, emotionally, spiritually and most of all physically.  Apathetic as well. I am struggling to hold it together.  Nothing but problems with the house...so friggin close and yet so friggin far.  I am tired of decisions and selections, just when I think I am done another headfuck of a choice has to be made.  Now it is the pool....( and main entrance light..you would think some American places who claim to post overseas would at least respone to my email enquiry...) I really like this light but cannot ssource it here in Australia.  It is wire rings inlaid with crystals ...just would suit my entrace so well and would keep with my spherical theme. I am thinking of contacting my Canadian friends and see if they can have it delivered to them and then they post on to me...how desparate can 1 get huh?

The pool.....oh God...what to tile it with? It is indoors so I don't want a dark tile...seen some gorgeous glass tiles in white but way way out of my budget.  I like white tile cos the water will still look blue...but then there is a pale blue tile..should we just do that? And then what to tile around the pool with?  I do wonder if we ever will enjoy the house after what is has cost us personally...and I don't mean the money costs, though of course will we ever recoup the initial outlay..not in any time soon I suspect but how on earth do we recoup the persoanl costs? Will it ever end? I feel so overwhelmed.  I hate that I am not in control of it..  it is in the hands of other people..tradies and manufacturers and suppliers...God....I am so sick of dealing with them.  I am not sure I can hold on much longer. 

8/1/2009 - geez, slow news day

So, the queen of Denmark has a few royal princesses around to her place in a effort to tempt her royal son and heir to the throne away from his commoner love interest. ( all apparently when it became evident the commoner was more that a passing fling!) So? Wow, mother doing her best for her son.  My guess is the royal family has duties way beyond my common knowledge, my common upbringing, my very common role....how on earth could I or any other commoner have any initimate knowledge of this royal life? I would think  a princess from another royal family would be of the same "culture" as the said prince and we all know that marrying outside your own culture while acceptable and commendable doesn't always make for a easy union.  It is fraught with ongoing negotiation, sensitivies, unacceptable and acceptable etiquettes, differing value systems and the massive cultural history one inherits either directly or via proxy through marriage. Not impossible no, but very very difficult.

Why wouldn't a mother who cares and loves her son want for him to be spared of that balancing process, the wear and tear on the relationship?

I reckon if my son bought home some girl a little bit low on the commoner food chain I would have to rally around a few girls of higher common breeding for a little get together in the pursuit of " open your eyes boy!! this as opposed to THAT"  Man oh man if he even thought of a little chickybabe who lived out of my 5km zone of comfort I would find that confronting as hell.  ( who actually lives in those suburbs?...lol)

Yep..queenie babe...I am with you, would havedone the same.....and like you would have to accept sons decision but I would feel I had done my motherly duty and can sleep at night safe in the knowledge I did my protective best!

20/12/2008 - http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=79MC8QGjIxU

My husband just rang me up but he didn't talk to me, instead he held his phone to his car radio and let me listen to this beautiful song.  ( he sometimes listens to the Italian Radio broadcast direct from Italy) Darling darling man.

At first it was crackly and I couldn't make it out..ah..but soon I recognised the distinctive voice.

God, how I loved this song.....it was the first Italian song I fell in love with in Italy 1984.  The year I met the man who I would proudly call my  beloved husband.

Fabio Concato - the artist

Fiore di Maggio (1984)  the song.  It means " Flower of May"

Have  a listen, it is sweet...soothing.

Hubby said it always reminds him of me. 

 You will find the song on youtube as below ( remember it WAS 1984!! )

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=79MC8QGjIxU

4/12/2008 -

Finally there is an end in sight.  A time in the near future I can realistically aim for. Easter.  By Easter we will have moved into our new house. I can't wait.  It is nearly ( in the big scheme of life!) here.  All our trials and tribulation will be over..it has been like a long pregnancy...a conception that took ages, a gestation that has been problematic but now the long awaited "child" is ready for birth.  I just hope that goes smoothly..all I need is a emergency ceasarion ( NOT). 

A few people jaws have dropped when they have seen our nearly completed house.  It is very deceptive from the front.  We had to conform to council requirement of "streetscape" so from the front of the house the facade is rather traditional but with a slightly ever so slightly modern slant,but from the rear is it pure comtempary modern spacious seering roof open planned views into a indoor pool living area and from the mezzanine the glass wall looks over the pool room from above.  It is spectatular!! I like the space, I like the feel, clean lines, minimalist, stacks of glass.  I like that we will all have our own spaces that won't encroach on anothers.  I like that our bedroom is far away from any activity that we don't want to know about.  I like that the pool is far away enough that I can swim in the wee hours ( on sleepless nights) when everyone is asleep and I won't wake them.  I like it all.  I think my lights have been a good choice, they will float like bubble planets in a huge void of space like a universe, a solar system of our own making.

It has been such a responsibilty, its creation and delivery....but in the end it has been worth it.

My darling husband, I am so proud of him.  He has worked tirelessly ( and still is ) on this project as well as working for my dad and running his own contracting business...and this year also was his busiest on record in the business.  Wow, what a man. Consequently I haven't seen much of him, our moments have been brief, our dialogue centred on the " baby" or his work situation or our own real flesh and blood babies. I understand the situation, only so many hours in a day....sure it has been lonely some days...not like I am the type of girl who likes to party while he hubby is working his arse off! It just doesn't seem right to me....so...yeah some days have been lonley, money has been tight...life hasn't been a succession of fun and games or laugh a minutes...but ...it is nearly over and this wondeful man has built for us a home we will enjoy and share and finally he can rest up a while and we can enjoy our relationship.  I turst this man with my life.  I trust this man with my happiness and security.  He has never failed me, darling man. 

3/12/2008 -

27/11/2008 - More lights

I really like this Kenneth Cobonpue  light.  I think I will buy it for my entrance.  I like spheres....I just like the look of them.  This one I like cos it is like a world inside of a world.  Ummmm...decisons.

16/11/2008 -

My son's girlfriends mother passed away at home late last evening.  She was only 47.  She had been ill for many years, after her pregnancies her auto-immune system failed and finally last  night her vital organs failed. What suffering she has been through.  I feel so sad, her daughter is motherless at 16. Just when a girl needs her mum.  I spent last night with my daughter at a family reunion with girls or my extended family, we went bowling at then out for pizza, us cousins hardley ever meet up but we made the effort to finally catch up and some of us with our daughters.  I had a wonderful night, laughed, enjoyed my daughters company, felt such pride for her, felt happy.  As I walked in the front door my son called to me from upstairs, he wanted me so I went up to him, he was in the bathroom getting ready to go to girlfriends house after getting the call from his girlfriend about her mothers passing. I was immediately devasted ....both mother and daughter will never again spent a night like I had passed, in each others company.  I cried for them both.....what great losses for both of them.  Mother won't see her daughter become a woman, all those joyous milestones, daughter cannot share them with her mother.  What loss.  Oh, of all the mercies I  have had in life the most precious is seeing my children become adults, I am so grateful for that.  I keep thinking how hard it must have been for the mother to have left behind her children....God...how cruel, to be robbed of that priveledge.  Darling son. beautiful boy, his rock for his girl, I am so proud of him, his tenderness for her.

I am so sad today...so sad.

15/11/2008 - No good deed goes unpunished

I know it sounds a weeny bit cynical but....I firmly believe this quote. Hence, I will no longer do good deeds....somehow they always backfire on me or more is expected from me.  You know give an inch and someone else takes a mile.  Why only on Wednesday  I had yet another fine example of this.  A bloody client asked me if I had any high quality shampoo and conditioner in bulk form for her to purchase.  I didn't really but I did have some put away for my daughter so I said she could have it.  Oh she was so delighted...but had no money left on her.  She offered to wait till her next appointment which is a 3 monthly colour cut blow dry  or would I mind if she direct deposited to my account immediately, oh, she could do it now if I wanted from my computer upstairs ( my son's actuall mine died months again and hasn't been replaced seein as money is tight cos gee we are building so we are living of the smell of a friggin oily rag) and I didn't really fancy her going through our house with her 3 year old son etc etc. I was thinking why friggin ask for something if you can't pay for it? Then I asked if she would be passing this way sometime ( not like I live in Timbucktoo) and she said oh, not really.  So..what does muggins do?Yep gave it to her, with my banking details, she was going to go home and transfer it immdeiately!!! Yep you guessed it, it is now Sat no deposit, I should have predicted it....the fact she rocked up half hour late for appointment, the fact I had to ring her to check she was still coming...those were big clues huh?

So what pisses me most is I will have to be in the position of calling her up and chasing my money...which is rather a signficant amount considering the quality and size of products.  This chickybabe is a enthusiastic ebayer...yeah,, and the sllers out there do send her her items without her paying for them first don't they? NOT!!!

I am soooooooo pissed off with myself for having been taken advantage off yet again. 

I hate being put in that position...where to deny could lose me a client cos it seems like I dont trust them.

God, I just hate the whole thing.

I am so sick of having to be friggin nice...perptetually friendly to clinets who I wouldn't give the time of day to normally.

Sick of selling myself to clients and feeling shit about it.

14/11/2008 -

9/11/2008 - Shakespeare

I am having Shakespeare's Othellos Act 2 scene 1 quote made up into a calligraphy printed poster and also Sonnet 116. They are the two most beautiful pieces of love ever written.  I want to glance them all the time.

Aren't they beautiful?

It gives me wonder great as my content
To see you here before me. O my soul's joy!
If after every tempest come such calms,
May the winds blow till they have waken'd death!
And let the labouring bark climb hills of seas
Olympus-high and duck again as low
As hell's from heaven! If it were now to die,
'Twere now to be most happy; for, I fear,
My soul hath her content so absolute
That not another comfort like to this
Succeeds in unknown fate.
- OTHELLO,Act II. scene I

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved

16/10/2008 -

Things are better.

The gyprock is finished, we have walls...we have a "nearly new house". 

I always knew I did not cope with anxiety well...but this experience has really revealed how badly I don't cope.  Especially the self build stuff.  I dislike intensely the process, the sequential flow of trades that stops if there is no flow.  One trade holds up the other....one trade stuffs up and things have to be unstuffed before the next trade moves in.  The vital communication between builer and trades.  Is everyone on the same page stuff. You can't relax, ever.

The selections are overwhelming.  I didn't want to do them so early in the piece, I figure is you do, which can be quite some time prior to completion of house, the selctions you have picked have been replace by some new product, appliance or decorating range...geez you place is old hat before you have moved in!!

The price differences between identical items depending on where you are quoted is enormous, and it is time consuming researching it all. Not to mention the price differences between non identical but similar items that can do the same job but are aesthecially different.....so on to a new set of decisons to make. Price over appeal....looks over function...etc etc..

We will never get our initial investment back, ( well, not for quite a while) but my hubby keeps reminding me you don't buy a Ferrari to make money out of it....you buy one to enjoy it..so I should try to view our house similarly.  "Get your business glasses off and enjoy living in there, by the time we have to sell it we would have had our run out of it and that will counter the cost/loss whatever of it!"  I do agree but how do you change an outlook? I can't dismiss that part of my nature so easily, it has been such a conditoning from a little tacker....only I am not so little now and it is challenging.

I can feel that we are at the end of it and I am really starting to allow myself the joy of anticipation and excitement instead of the dread and anxiety I have been feeling.  I am constantly amazed by my husband, I always knew he was a hard worker, diligent and responsible but he has surpassed all of his fine qualities.  I have no clue how he is surviving.  He is such a worker...and he never whinges.  And he never does dummy spits, he is so clear headed and self contained, not emotionally and reactive like me.   I feel flawed alongside him, so inept, and hardly a chalice of support.  So anxious and negative about the experience....while he is so positve and not wheather beaten by it. For me is has been a trial, for him it has been fun and good experience.  The same experience but different.  Weird.

7/10/2008 -

I am so sick of myself!

I am sick of smoking.

I am sick of the weight I have piled on.

I am so sick of being in this sick stuck place mentally and emotionally.

I want the old me back.

So, I have to lose the weight, have to give up those friggin fags...have to get myself back to a place of self respect. 

Did some excecise tape this morning.  Geez, so out of shape. 

I don't have a choice.

I just have to do it, give a rats arse about myself and my appearance and stop this self abuse.

3/10/2008 - Random lights have been purchased!

Oh boy, it is done, ordered and paid for the lights today.  Gosh, I haven't seen them in real life, hope to God I have made the right decision.  I have ordered two 800mm ones and one 500mm one.  Will cluster them in dropped heights.  This is the first really big purchase I have ever made of something unseen, hope they live up to my expectations.  They are such a big ticket item price wise and they are/will become a classic so I hope they don't date really bad. ( they prob will but.....I will have to live with it)

The bathrooms are the next major nightmare.  Again I like simple, classic white but I want to have a feature as well.  Favouring marble at the moment. One feature wall of a Calcutta marble, it has a nice dark vein through it.....I am really stressed out about this house. Sometimes I feel a hint of excitement about it but mostly I feel crippled by indecisiveness and how it is such a big task.  But....we are on the downhill slope....soon it will be over. ( I hope!)

11/9/2008 - RANDOM LIGHT