After a thorough dissection of our finances (or more accurately, Strong Belwas’ lack thereof), it appears we’re finally – and very tentatively - in a position to buy a house. Not just one of those kit sheds from Mitre 10 either – mate, I’m talkin’ a house.

I’ve set myself some stupid projects in the past – washing the cat, attempting an arts degree, understanding AFL - but this one undoubtedly takes the cake and wees all over it. I’m not sure why anyone would put themselves $400K in debt for the privilege of having a roof over their head, when Mitre 10 can set you up for under $500. On the other hand, there’s probably something liberating about smashing windows, letting the lawn grow and cultivating hydroponic cannabis in the laundry without fear of estate agent reprisals. On the other, other hand – the whole exercise is damn expensive. I’ve spent most of the last 7 days feverishly clicking my way through every home loan site on the internet, and the reality is horrifying.

Stuff to pay that has nothing to do with the price of the house:

• $1000 for a fat solicitor to tell me where to sign a piece of paper when we find a house we like. Apparently, average people like me are too stupid to figure this out for ourselves.
  
• $70 so the same solicitor can conduct a ‘title search’. I think this is like checking the VIN number on a car to ensure it’s not stolen. I’m not sure how one would go about stealing a house – if anyone has any ideas, let me know.
  
• $700 for rates. 700 bucks so I can turn the tap on? I want my bloody taxes back, Bracksy.
  
• $140 so a garbo can wake me at 5.30am every Tuesday.
  
• $600 loan establishment fee. This is so you know the bank owns your soul from the moment the loan is approved. They charge $600 from the outset so clients aren’t deluded into thinking they’re free citizens - obviously $300,000 in interest repayments isn’t proof enough. 
• $8000 lender’s mortage insurance. Notice that? LENDER’S mortgage insurance. They cover their arse, while mine’s barer than Paris Hilton in that movie she starred in.
• $10 monthly loan service fee. The bank charges me to take my money. Brilliant.
• $12,000 stamp duty. I don’t even know what stamp duty is, but I get the feeling I should bend over while I’m paying it. (Perhaps that was the précis for the Paris movie.)  
• $80 mortgage registration fee. Apparently this is in addition to the $600 we-own-you-fee, $10 service fee, $8000 arse fee and $300,000 interest.  
• $500 home and contents insurance. I don’t mind this one too much. If someone breaks into my new home after all the above, I’ll break their skull and get a new stereo.

Monetary donations (or advice, hints, etc) can be directed to the usual address.