August 28, 2006 - All dads bright and beautiful....
In the spirit of the upcoming father’s day I thought I'd share a few gems from the veritable peat bog goldmine of information my father has imparted to me over the years. The following morsels of wisdom have stood me in good stead throughout my adult life:
Biology
The bacteria which causes pulpy kidney in sheep is clostridium welchii type D. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve been thankful to know that.
Crime Scene Investigation
The ‘arrows’ in tractor tyre prints point the opposite direction to which the tractor was travelling when it made the prints. Unless, of course, the tractor was reversing at the time.
General knowledge
Tractor tyres are full of water. (Dad knows lots about tractors.)
Darwinism
Long toes are evolutionally preferable to short toes as they grip the planet to better effect, thus preventing one from being hurled off into space. Presumably, the dinosaurs had an insufficient toe-length to height ratio.
Road Safety
Keeping your eye on the white line on the edge of the road will stop you being blinded by oncoming headlights when driving at night.
Medicine
A quiet rum and coke on the beach will cure anything that ails you except the common cold, which can be cured with a handful of zinc tablets.
Self Improvement
You’re never too old to change your eating habits, to learn to fly a Boeing 747 or to watch Rage. However, you can be too old to tolerate idiots, children, tourists, doctors, neighbours, council workers, bad movies and trips interstate.
Life Coaching
Take responsibility for your mistakes. To a small degree, this encompasses shortcomings in one’s own offspring. A very, very small degree. Offspring may not claim alcoholism, drug abuse or mathematical incompetence as a genetic predisposition.
Cars
Never buy a Land Rover.
Repairs & maintenance
If it can’t be mended with Araldite or fish oil, it’s probably time to get rid of it. This includes one’s own anatomy.
State Law
The classification ‘protected species’ becomes null and void the instant said species ventures uninvited into a human dwelling.
Feminism
Generally, women fall into two categories: “She’d be no bloody good on a farm” or “Geez, she’d be good on a farm”. This goes a long way to explaining my skewed views about femininity.
Yay for cool dads!
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