Life Group Tonight was interesting. I learnt that I really struggled to open up in front of the group, although perhaps I really just didn’t have any trials to share and I was trying to force something out that wasn’t there. I admired my leaders vulnerability, he leads by example (no specifics I don’t have ownership over them).

However I can say we watched a Nooma DVD tonight about love – called Flame.

Basically there are three hebrew words for our english word love.

1, Riya: Companion/Friendship

2. Ahihava: Deep affection, the mind and heart are passionate for the other person. The love is deep, there is a moment where rather you would be in that place with that person than in any other place with any other person in this world.

3. Dode: Meaning to arouse or fondle. It is the Physical/Sexual Expression in relationship.

We were created for all the flames to blend as one. Without the blend of all three expressions of love the flame will simply flicker out and die. Also if you try and keep the flames separate you will never be deeply satisfied.

How do you keep them separate? Some examples:

A person is in your life solely for the physical intimacy

You are married, you have the physical intimacy but your best friend is not your husband or wife

Perhaps you view your husband and wife as an obstacle to your fulfillment.

There’s many more, avoid them.

So with that overview how has love manifested itself in my life? (Deeply vulnerable section to follow).

I started to read a psychology book once, long ago, that said a girl who grew up without a dad would cling to the first person to tell her she was loved.

In my case that happened when I was 16, I was working in my first job and this older (21), handsome man with a car and bulging biceps was keen on me. Well I was caught, hook, line and sinker. My number one ambition in life at that point was to not be like my mother. Therefore I wanted to be married, or a career girl and I would never, ever, ever be a single mother (As life would turn out I’ve been a single mother for over 8 years from the time my daughter was just two). So anyway he was pretty intense, he asked me to marry him before I was even 17. We refrained from the sexual relationship until then. I wanted to wait till I was married but I also didn’t want to rush into marriage. Being worldly I didn’t wait, I compromised, the fact he wanted to marry me was enough. That relationship within a few months was controlling, he was insecure. He didn’t want me to change or grow up. He wanted me just as I was when I was 16, that way forever. I missed out on friendships, I broke relationship with my mother, I worked full-time to support us, he didn’t work at all, I didn’t go to university like I wanted to.

It was a relationship where if I mentioned wanting out he would threaten to kill himself. At that time in my life I felt that was the number one sin, being responsible for someone else’s death. I felt God hated me anyhow (because I allowed myself to sexual violated) but to be responsible for his death would be even worse.

So I stayed.

I stayed through his term of imprisonment when I was just 18,

I stayed through his re-offending,

I stayed through his verbal abuse,

I stayed through the affair he gloated about (the idea he had that he could have two women living together under the same roof),

I stayed through it all, for seven years, because I felt there was no way out. Even though I stayed and choose to have a child I never married him because I knew I couldn’t commit my life to him.

Then one day I found a way out. Events led to him being caught for a myriad of offending and he was given a 10 year term of imprisonment, 7 years non parole. It was more than we expected, but it was my freedom. I knew it was over for us. I still visited him occasionally out of obligation but after 6 months or so I just never revisited. His mum asked me a few months later whether we were still together and I told her no, she offered to break the news to him. I avoided the whole break-up thing. I do have regrets that I wasn’t adult enough to do that maturely but I just didn’t have the strength, I knew he would try and capture me with his threats again.

So that was my first love. It was Riya, not so much friend but rescuer: he rescued me from the thought I might be alone forever like my mother.

My next love was the love that said physically I’ll give myself to you but you are not having my feelings, my heart or my trust. Dode in nature and leaving you empty. Although you haven’t given your feelings and hope to this relationship you’ve still given and you get nothing in return. It leaves you empty. Its like the energy output of white sugar compared to brown rice, a quick rush but no sustenance.

The next relationship, we met off the internet. My first impression he had an honest face. He was older than me, he was a good man but I held back in some areas on the truth, I felt if he knew all there was to know he wouldn’t love me anymore.

This relationship really brought out my insecurities. He had ties to his ex-girlfriend, he didn’t want to completely cut her out of his life so she continually controlled him. He didn’t sleep at my house, because she would drive past his house at night looking for his car and then call him if it wasn’t there. They had broken up months before we got together but he continued to allow her to direct his life.

We dated for two years. We were not Christians, we never went to church, we never talked about God but this is the man who gave me a bible for Christmas. Four weeks later God gave me the gift of salvation. I had a choice that first night I went to church. It was Australia Day, I could have gone to Skyshow with the man I loved or I could go to a church where I knew no-one at the risk of being judged as a single mother. I went to Church I went out reclaimed by my Savior.

I got home from church that night and he came over. He told me he didn’t want me to go to church and I stopped him and said word for word, "Its too late I’m a Christian now, I will be a Christian forever and Paradise is my church until God moves me on". He became someone else that week, he was forceful and controlling. He took every opportunity to tell me that church was a cult but God gave me the gift of faithfulness. I never backed down that week. The next Sunday I’m getting ready for church and he comes over again and asks if he can come also. I knew the right thing was to say yes but I the whole time in church I never looked at him, I thought he’d roll his eyes, sigh and tell me what a big mistake I’d made. Instead with eyes closed and heads bowed and the call for salvation I felt him nudge past me to go up the front and give his life to Christ. I was astonished. This man was the devil all week, trying to get me to give up on God and now he himself has been claimed by God. Only God can do that kind of turnaround!!

So we were both new Christians. On my first night in church I went to the guest lounge and the first question I asked was this churches view towards sex before marriage. I went home that day vowing to wait until I was married. My intentions were good but I did fall a few times. This man kept saying it was ok, in the eyes of God we were married, I knew that was a lie. So a couple of weeks later he asks me to marry him (he still had his ex in the picture), I said yes but within a couple of months we had broken up. I was just beginning this new exciting life as a Christian and I felt called by God to more than mediocrity. This mans life plan was we would go to church on Sunday, not make any friends, not do anything during the week. We’d just be the Sunday Christians. We’d get married, I’d stay home all day looking after 6 cats while he went to work and Sarah went to school and that would be my life. That was not what I wanted from my life, so I broke up with him. That relationship lacked the Ahihava love, the "I’d rather be here than any other place and with any other person".

Then at the beginning of this year a new relationship formed but the basis was his need for a companion and my need to be loved, accepted and forgiven of my past. This is the relationship I went to seeking the things that only God can give and this relationship drew me away from God. I was thankful to Him for the relationship, this was a good Christian man, far above what I ever thought possible and I confess I idolised him. Big Mistake!!

So come the Influencers conference this year God gave us both the word that we were not to be together. Because it came from God it had to be obeyed but it was crushing. I knew though that God took those hopes for a future from me because I had taken my attention off Him and my God is a jealous God. I went through a bad time after that, I was angry with God, I wasn’t going to trust him anymore. I didn’t think he wanted good things for me, I kept coming to church, life group and thirtysomething and continued to serve but I was pretty cross and hurt by him. I smelled bad, like a sacrifice instead of the sweet incense of a life lived to glorify God. So that brief relationship was just Riya the need for assurance and a companion.

This is being vulnerable (but why stop now), but I have never before had the deep affection love, the love that says there is no other place and no other person I want to be with in this moment but you. That could be because I’ve not met the right person or it could be because in the past I have had trust issues and not allowed myself to be so vulnerable. I believe this year I’ve worked through much of that issue. There are people I can be and have been very vulnerable with, but at the same time I’m balancing it with wisdom. I’m not ready to reconnect with my dad but who knows, other than my maker, what the future holds. One day I hope to reconnect with him and that he may come to experience salvation.

It’s now spring and I can say, feel and know with assurance I finally get it. I love Jesus, I love what He has done for me, I love what he promises to do for others, I love that he stepped out in our shoes, He lived here on earth amongst sinners and he set the example.

I love God, his creation. I love that the things on earth that are beautiful, sweet and good are that way because he made them that way. I love that he makes over 700 promises in the bible for our good. I love that he loves me. I love that he forgives me, I love that he promises to use me to glorify him, if I let him (and I do). I love that he sent me help in the pages of the bible, in using people around me to speak words of wisdom into my life. Mostly I love that he personally sent the Holy Spirit to dwell in me, to guide me in the way to live in this world but with the eternal perspective.

Getting completely off track (feeling a bit reflective). At the beginning of the year it was prophesied in three different places that this would be the year of breakthrough. Well the breakthrough has not come in the areas or direction I thought it would but God knew even better where the breakthrough needed to happen. I am so blessed with where he has placed me in life. I love that he directs my steps he has good plans for me. My Lord, I trust you.

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Bec.