Beautiful

Posted on August 28, 2006 at 9:36 PM - Post Comment

The word beautiful is powerful, a word women long to hear. It is uniquely feminine, it captures us as it captivates the eye of the beholder.

But sometimes when we are young the devil can turn beautiful into a filled in well, an area that is supposed to be a source of life but is filled in with the dirt of the world. 

God created me to be beautiful, in a unique and captivating way. Yet the reaction I have is a battle between blushing joy and approval and fear. Even when a girlfriend said I was naturally beautiful I froze in fear, hoping she was just being kind, because in the past it was about getting something from me, stealing my innocence. It was Satan's way of destoying me before I got strong and could fight him (It's why he attacks us when we are young).

The strange thing is I can look in the mirror and see that natural beauty. That is a gift many women do not have, they can only see their flaws. But I can see there is a streak, unique and non-conventional but there is a streak of beauty in me. So when people say it, when they see it, its not a matter of disbelief,instead it's a programmed fear, what will this beauty cost me?

So when did beautiful become become a dirty word in my world?

When I was eight years I was sexually abused by the first person ever to call me beautiful and it was done in the dirty, defiling act of sexual abuse. I was conned, tricked and manipulated (ultimately by Satan) into agreeing to be sexually abused.

From that day I made an oath to myself, a vow that said "I will never be beautiful but I will be smart" and smart meant, trust no-one!

Those walls are finally being chipped away, slowely but methodically. I'm learning to trust people, to be more vulnerable (yet wise). I'm learning to open up to how I feel, to what scares me, to what makes me tick and after a couple of months in the darkness when I told God I wouldnt trust him anymore, I've come back into His Love and Mercy and told Him I am His. I've professed to Him that I dont want life without Him, I want to know Him as well as I can. I want to be blinded by the magnificence of his beauty and depth of His character (like Moses). I want to be able to say I have an intimate relationship with Jesus, that I trust Him in everything. And I know it is available to me, because it was available to my friend (who is now rejoicing in His arms) and he doesnt play favourites.

Bec