One interesting issue I’ve been thinking about over the weekend, is when does an invite to a social gathering include both the person invited and any partner they may have?

I half wonder if the question maybe answered in different ways depending on the context.  Although on further reflection, it may not.  For example an invite to a formal function or dinner party, should include a partner, but if it doesn’t it would definitely be rude to bring them along.  I would also say it is the same case with weddings.  Whilst it is polite to invite a spouse, de facto or long term partner, I have known people to extend wedding invites to just one partner because of a poor relationship with the other.  I’ve also know partners to be excluded from invites to more formal settings on the grounds that the relationship has not been going long enough to be considered well established.

There are also some contexts where partners are generally excluded, things like business and industry networking, work functions, and special interest groups.  In fact it’s often poor form to bring your partner as it is contrary to the nature of the function - you don’t go to a finance industry breakfast to spend time with your partner, you do it to make business contacts.

In more causal circumstances, parties, gatherings at pubs and the like, the rule is usually the more the merrier.  However if the gathering is at someone’s’ house it always serves to check if you can bring a guest at the very least for the purposes of catering and also in some of my circles this pays to ensure that there won’t be any personality clashes.  In fact all in all there are very few circumstances where it could be considered appropriate to bring  guest, or that your guests know they can bring a friend, partner or other person.

But the other thing to bear in mind, if you’re doing the inviting, is that the more social the occasion, the more offense you will give for not inviting a partner.  For example – formal meeting of a social club or organisation = members only, backyard drinks = people bring guests.

Also the tricky thing these days, is to know when to invite people separately and when to invite them as a couple.

When a couple first starts going out, then it’s good to include the new partner in less formal functions.  Especially if both belong to the same organisation or circle.  However in the even that both are known to a host, it’s important that both are invited separately as well.  This I would say is not the case for more formal occasions.  For example, about four months after I started dating my boyfriend, two mutual friends were married.  They had invited my boyfriend, but not me, which I thought was fair as we had not publically aired that we were going out for very long and my bf was quite close friends with the groom where as both were acquaintances to me.  Perhaps if the same thing happened now, about 8 months later, then I might be a bit annoyed about it.  However if this did happen 8 months later, I would still prefer to be invited in my own right.  This is because whilst I like spending time with my boyfriend and I like it even more when we get to circulate in the same spheres, we are also only boyfriend and girlfriend.  We are not engaged, we are not de facto partners living together (nor will we ever be!) and we’re definitely not married.  Because of this we can still be considered very much two individuals with separate but closely linked lives rather than a couple who are entitled to always be together and know each other’s affairs.  There is no assumption that we know of each other’s engagements or that we will attend each others functions.  This isn’t just a matter of status as a couple, but it’s also a matter of having boundaries in line with the nature of your relationship.

That being said as a general rule, it is good to state explicitly who is welcome to a function you are hosting, to avoid any misunderstanding.  This is always done for more formal functions.  However I find it’s a good idea for more casual get togethers as well.  Generally I’ll say to people, let’s do drinks or dinner, feel free to bring a guest.  Or if it’s something like my birthday and I just want people I know and like there I’ll say let me know if there’s anyone who’s been left out.  Again like my friend’s wedding, there aer some people that I may have deliberately left out.  This came about when one of my friends bought his boyfriend (who was also a mutual friend of a few others there) to a get together for my birthday.  This guy had spend most of the weekend on party drugs and spent the whole time at lunch pretty much comatose, and had made no effort to conceal the fact that he had not washed or changed his clothes all weekend.  Most of my other friends were not impressed.  I seem to remember using the phrase, “not my friend…” a number of times as well.

Actually it all comes back to what my mother taught me when I was younger.  When you’re hosting a party you invite your friend and any one else in the social circle.  Excluding others is rude and often it’s best to just not have a gathering or restrict the guest list further so as not to cause offense.  If you want to invite someone but not their partner or their best friend who goes to everything with them, then it’s best not to invite anyone.  I know to mention every one included in an invite, for example if you’re inviting a couple you name both rather than one and if their children are welcome it is acceptable to put ‘and family’ rather than listing them all.  This can be done for adult children, but in the modern context I find it best to invite them each in their own right.  Also I know that if some one invites you somewhere, even if informally, it’s best to respond (it’s amazing how many people these days don’t) even if to decline, and if you feel that there is someone you really want to bring, you ask.  You never ever just bring some one to any occasion unless it’s said that guests are welcome.  And you never ever go with some one to an even someone else is hosting purely on the advice of a mutual friend, when they have not invited you.  

So at the end of the day, try not to exclude people from your get togethers unless you want to send a strong message and never assume that an invite to you or your partner means both of you are welcome!